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I was lying in bed just now, trying to fall asleep. My mind had drifted to its normal mode of thinking, which it often did when my eyes were closed and the darnkness shrouding me was protecting me from the worries of the world. I was debating something in my head this cold night, something that I had debated before and I felt the urge to write, or type it down. A series of thoughts and answers that I didn't want forgotten, so I stood up, turned the power on and here I am. I'll begin.

I've often debated the word, the meaning, and the feeling of love. The strong word, the one that contricts a persons heart. The one that clearify's vision while also making a person blind. I had for a long time thought about love, and what it is. How do you know when you have it? When will you get it. I'll have to admit that its this emotion that confuses me the most. I've had certain types of it. The love for my family, or the love for a animal. But I doubt that I've every truely felt it in the way they put as "True Love" This love that happens between man and woman, or man and man, sometimes female and female. The bliss of life. So I was asking myself that question this night, what is love? And no good answer came to me. But one answer did come to me. I'll explain.

I was told by someone that I knew, prehaph he was my eldest brother, maybe he wasn't but it was by a Christain. Thats what I remember. He told me that if you didn't believe in God, in Jesus Christ and Christinanity then it would be impossible to love. I was thinking about this statement and frowned upon it. Such a odd thing to say. Its like saying that for believing in god and Jesus, you in return are gifted with this emotion. I hated this statement, it was filled with such greed, and so much control that it down right pissed me off. I will admit that I have doubts in Gods existance, and hell.. I don't think he really exists. I've not gotten proof of it, and probably never will. So I'm not much a christain, maybe not one at all. My mother is, and my oldest brother are. And maybe more of my family, but me? I don't think so. After thinking about the religion itself, could this statement be for control? Like striking fear into people? If you do not believe in me, then thou shall not love! I bet that would frighten a few people, to not get the gift of love. So could this just be another BS way for religion to control the minds of the common people? It could be. Now.. I don't know if I was told this by a christain with a messed up image, or by a church with odd ways. I doubt that every church preaches this, and I hope not. Seeing as how I've seen many, many, many other people of many, many other religions fall in love. Zen Buddist, Hindu's, Wiccan, ect.. Well the list goes on. These people all have fallen in love with people before, which leads me to believe that the disputed statement above is incorrect. That god can't give a human emotion out, and just cant' lend it to the faithful, otherwise.. you'd have to play the same game with happiness, anger, saddness, depression, fright and all the other emotions.

But anyways, thats the one answer that I was told, the one that I believe is to be false. But for myself I still don't know what Love is. Have I felt it before and just missed it? Maybe I have. Maybe it will hit me one day, like hitting the state of Enlightenment. You just know it, you don't announce it, you don't change physically, just mentally you know you've obtained this thing they call love. Maybe one day my eyes will open, but what if they remain close? I can argue with myself all i want though, interlectual studies and discussions won't get me anywhere. Its real life experience that pushes you through. Because when you get down to it, thinking is rather pointless.. seeing as I know nothing.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you did, I'm sure you all have differing views. But these are just my midnight thoughts.

Clef