Religion. Quite the controversial issue, no? Yes.
So. A bit back, in 2005, the Kansas State Board of Education required intelligent design* to be taught in schools as opposed to evolution.
One Bobby Henderson decided to try to change that.
This awesomely awesome guy said that, by the suggestion of intelligent design, anything could have created us. A Flying Spagetti Monster, for instance.
Thus began the start of the Church of the Flying Spagetti Monster, or Pastafarianism.
Now, don't go thinking this brilliant man was anti-religion, as he wasn't. Here's a quote from him to explain:
"I don't have a problem with religion. What I have a problem with is religion posing as science. If there is a god and he's intelligent, then I would guess he has a sense of humor."
Viola.
Now, Mr. Henderson did not expect to get such a substantial following in the newly found Pastafarianism. But many joined him to be Pastafarians. After being "touched by His Noodly Appendage." You should know who this He is.
So, I bet you want stuff about the religion. I know I would. It's frikkin' wicked, y'know.
THE BASICS.
The Flying Spagetti Monster, deity of Pastafarianism, is an invisible and undectable thing that created the universe after drinking heavily. His innebriation caused the Earth's flaws as we know them.
Heaven in Pastafarianism contains volcanoes that spew beer and a stripper factory. Hell is somewhat the same, but the beer is stale and the strippers have VD.
The Gospel of the Flying Spagetti Monster is the religion's bible. As opposed to the Ten Commandments, it contains the Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts. More on those later.
All prayers to the Flying Spagetti Monster are to be concluded by saying "RAmen." Obey it. Love it.
PIRATES AND GLOBAL WARMING.
As stated in the FSM's Gospel, pirates were the original Pastafarians and are divine beings. They were not the evil, despicable things that are portrayed: they are "peace loving explorers and spreaders of good will who distributed candy to small children." Modern pirates are not similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history."
A holiday has been created in honor of the great pirates.**
According the the FSM Gospel, global warming, hurricanes, earthquakes, and a multitude of other natural disasters are rising because of the decline of pirates since the the 1800s.
THE EIGHT I'D REALLY RATHER YOU DIDN'TS.
I] I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou a** when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
II] I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
III] I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuschia.
IV] I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go ******** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
V] I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
VI] I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
...............A. Ending poverty
...............B. Curing diseases
...............C. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable.
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
VII] I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
VIII] I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
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*Intelligent design is the idea that something intelligent designed us. Hence the name. But this term does not require the designer to be omnipotent or omniscient. Also, the "plus" of this term means that, while being taught, one does not have to use the word "God" at any point. I smell a loophole.
**September 19 is celebrated as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. You should do it, too.
ALL INFORMATION GARNERED FROM THIS WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE
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