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Why must humans be made to love?
It seemed like that emotion- the emotion of someone so unimaginably special... just leaving- was extremely delayed to hit me. It is to my dismay that it struck me while my back was turned. I wasn't ready for this at all. I didn't expect this to happen like this and yet I still can't let go. I have read at least 5 articles about getting over a lost love, or trying to get rid of the pain. And as I read though the replies; and I feel like it is worth mentioning that some of these people are complete idiots; others know more than they were willing to let on. Yes, I could see it in their words. I couldn't help but want to approach one of them like a mangled animal looking for a home and just curl up in their lap while they soothe my woes with their advice.
And I am the one who usually gives advice, I am quite good at it too- if I do say so myself. They come to me with broken hearts and so I heal them with my words, for all that I can do, while they heal themselves. Though it is difficult to maintain my personal life and keep it separate from my professional life. My loved ones are always kept within me while looking out at the world- running its course through my control, like a tour of a factory of my own kind. Almost like a VIP lounge full of fragile weak points, memories of loved ones, my secrets, more weakness and priceless treasures. I find it extremely difficult to detach my omnipotent assets from my professional life and apply them to my personal life. I can heal easily from being shredded on the outside, it will leave scars, but I can easily forget about scars. Being slaughtered from the inside out, is another story entirely.
I wish there was an easier way to put this, but for now, if you don't mind, I would like to continue pouring my agony in to this journal entry. I think that it would do some good to get some of what is bottled up inside, translate it into the language of the humans and set it out into the open. Something, or rather someone, tells me that it will make me fell better.
My physical age is 17, but my mental age far exceeds this number. This is something I don't expect you to understand, because these words weren't meant for your eyes in the first place. This is something that is to help me heal, but I am being kind enough to allow you to read this. That is only if you actually had the patience to sit down and actually read it in the first place.
In a sense this is all my fault. I am by no means a sane person. I have had a traumatic childhood, and I don't speak of it because the memories are excruciatingly painful to relive. Having such a dark past, I have fractured my mentality and I have four people to talk to- to consult, to keep me mental company when I feel as though the world has turned its back on me. The Guardian, The Reflection, The Spirit, and The Shadow. But I will never let you that far into my world. I regret to tell you, the reader, that you would be treading in foreign waters if I were to reveal more than I am told to. Please try to understand for the most part. The Guardian is a mother to me, she tells me things that someone my age shouldn't know about until they have lived for at least another 20 years. In a way it is like talking to myself. It is a fascinating concept if you think about it, but for now I digress.
I going to attempt to explain this part, usually these strange things are all being described though how I see it in my head. Keep up if you can. Our relationship, like all relationships stood upon a cliff side, we began hand in hand. Soon that became a hug, and that became an embrace, and then a kiss. For the longest time, this person was so different from the others, he wasn't enchanted by The Shadow's snare. That made him different from the others and that tiny mental wish for his affection became a mental obsession for him. I desired him with all my heart. We were so similar..... It was both terrifying and uncanny. He was like a soul mate or originally part of my soul that was torn in half and put into different bodies by God because he was growing desperate to create more souls to give to new born children due to the population's exponential growth. Whatever the reason was, it was no mere coincidence that this was as it was. No, it was fate in my eyes. Not only that but he was like a lost soul that needed my help too, just like everyone else.
Like I said I am not a sane person, despite the acknowledgment of my insanity and my unusual behavior, I cannot fix the Mini-Tumor in my brain. It continuously screws with my mind, and it has slowly been destroying me mentally as the years pass. Fear not; it is not a real tumor, "Mini-Tumor" is just the name that I have given it. Anyway; within our embrace upon that cliff side, I developed a paranoia that he was doing something, planning things, subliminally controlling people; things that he wasn't even dreaming of doing. Sadly, I had myself convinced, I didn't even stop to think, I didn't stop to hear what the others- my others, had to say. I acted on impulse and I pushed him away. Fortunately he didn't fall off the cliff but I accidentally hit him in a place that I was trusted not to hurt when our bond was made. Yes- the heart, I broke it. But he didn't understand, none of you would ever understand...
I didn't mean to break it, I tried to say sorry so many times, I tried to explain to him that while he was happy with his little life, he didn't know how kneel down and speak with me at my eye level and help me understand the error of my thought process. That was his fatal flaw as was the mini-tumor mine. We made up for the time being, but I never forgave myself, and he never really did forgive me, he never treated me the same, I was usually given a cold shoulder and a cold shoulder even still. I swear I didn't mean to... I tried to tell him that he wasn't capable of understanding, I tried to explain it to him in a way that could actually get to him, but nothing worked. He had no empathy, and in the end he didn't know how to care for another. He did things that affected me in so many ways mentally, they were about to tear me apart... Mind you this is only half of the story, I'm sure you will hear something entirely different from him, it isn't easy to tell these kinds of things you know. I am female and am therefore more so prone to placing more blame upon him than is necessary.
After breaking the embrace upon the cliff side, I was just about ready to fall off of the edge to my doom. But I didn't want to let go, I grab held of the ledge but my grip was thin, it couldn't last forever. So I begged him. I begged him to give me his hand, but he just stood there and watched- as though to say that there was nothing he could do to fix it. He wouldn't give me his hand, and with his own words, the ledge crumbled away. He let me fall... he left me falling down... and so I fell.... I fell deep into the dark abyss.... I don't even know if I stopped falling yet. But he still means so much to me, its painful. We had convinced each other that we would wait for each other after college and get married and start a family. It all seems like a beautifully terrible nightmare now.
I still loved him, I didn't want to leave him, and I still do. And yet; it seemed as though that the emotion of loss has finally registered in my head... I think I have played the same three songs at least 15 times now as pity music to get all the tears out. I can't stand being seen crying, it shows weakness and I hate being pitied- in that sense I almost feel looked down upon as inferior. Even though I know that it wasn't intended to be an action of belittling.
Its so strange... that in this time of despair one really begins to wonder why human had to be created for love alone. Because it just says that we are all bound to suffer a similar fate; if not at least the tragedy of heart break at some point in our lives. Such a sad thought, and I don't care if it is that depressing, I will say for the sake of my mental health. Getting my thoughts down on something is the best thing to do she says.
I'm sorry. I am so very sorry...
To those of you who took the time to read this whole thing. These words weren't for your eyes. But right now... I'm feeling massive amounts of inspiration, I'm feeling the comfort of music, I'm feeling soothed by The Spirit, The Guardian, The Reflection, and The Shadow. And I'm feeling a bit better. As I read though this I'm beginning to realize how I could never end up with him in the first place. Yes, I'm feeling a lot better. I think that I am almost ready to move on now.... almost. Yet I can't guarantee that the next time I see him this little written therapy session would have been all for naught. But that isn't entirely the case, it has been recorded by my journal and there it shall stay until this account is hacked or I decide to leave Gaia. At least I can look back upon this and reread the words of my moments of bitter misery.
Of course... there have been others that have been watching me from the shadows waiting till I was alone again before they took action. And they have. Of course I don't feel that special right now. I just need to break that bond that I falsely labeled 'True Love'. But the others who had been waiting in the shadows, the ones who were close friends wearing enchanting masks that hid their identities. They all seem to know when to take hold of my hand during Life's Masquerade, dance with me for but a moment, and then disappear just as fast as they came. After which they would leave behind them, an obvious trail of bread crumbs, representing their feelings, to follow that trailed back to the shadows where they would lie in wait. Each one of them, being so painfully patient... This almost reminds me of the Odessy, and I am Penelope. Again, I digress. I need to stop going off on tangents. But what can I say? I have ADD this is only natural behavior- so cut me some slack. Even they have seen his error. I pray with all my heart that they will know how to calm me down if my mini-tumor kicks in and causes me to mentally become unusually paranoid or scared or flat-out mad. Of course, you are more than welcome to disbelieve me. As I have stated before, this is for my mental health, not for your entertainment.
This I know, as soon as I get over him and repair my lacerated heart, I think I might be able to love again. Even still, somehow, I know.... that I will always be looking over my shoulder- back at the past- back to this time... praying that things didn't go as they did.
 Graceful Silhouette · Sun May 25, 2008 @ 10:01am · 0 Comments |
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