new year. so what? new year's resolutions are a waste of time. what good is it if things won't change?
depression. i hate it. and i hate him too sometimes. i hate everything. i couldn't count how many times i asked and prayed to God that He would kill me. i wish i won't wake up in the morning. it's too painful when everything around me seems ... so far away. everything eventually drifts away from my grasp. no one stays. no one understands.
i don't know why he did that. honestly, it was really painful. more painful than all the cuts i made in my wrist. more painful than failing a subject at school.
anyways, he succeeded at making my life so much harder. i feel hollow. i suddenly realized how a parasite i have been. for two decades of my life i was worthless. i am nothing. all i ever had was this stupid depression that he thinks is only my imagination. i wish it was, really. i wish it was that simple. i wish everything else would just disappear. including my futile life. i want to ... i don't know. i just wish that everything would vanish.
but the world doesn't spin around me, right? i have to live this painful life until the very end. you could not imagine how i want all this to stop. i thought he would help me with my problem. i thought everything would be alright from then on. so i thought. sometimes i think my life would have been a little easier if i hadn't met him. if i haven't received that text message from him 2 years ago things would have been so different. but the "if's" don't happen. that's the worst part of being alive. you could wish and wish. you could even die wishing but nothing will happen. seriously, when was the last time you wished so hard for something and it happened? maybe it does happen. sometimes. just sometimes.
i feel worthless. just one night of crying and talking to him. then all my life suddenly fall apart. everything that i held important. pride has fallen apart. i feel stupid for thinking that i could possibly amount to something great. all i have is this depression that i don't understand if it really is just my imagination. everything else is just painful. and i expected that he would understand me.
oh, i remember. he told me he accepted all of me. as if i could really believe that. after all those things he said. how can he accept me if he doesn't even understand what's happening? everything is just complicated. thoughts are always twisted.
and yeah. i still wish that depression is just something created by the mind. i wish everything is just my imagination. including him....
kagami-kun Community Member 
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