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"It's hate ********, hate ********, hate!"
.........................................
That's all that's going through my head. My head spinning, my life is upside down.... I don't know what's happiness and what's sorrow.... I'm pissed over one person whom I refuse to name, but she's gonna read this, I know.... But only because she has twisted into her mind that I am an evil person. And that makes me feel like one.... I don't even want to discuss the happenings of Friday night, or what I did afterwards, but I will say that I am the unhappiest person alive, and I just want her to not look at me with such hatred. I just want friendship and to know that hate will not drift between us. I'm not going to ever bring up the past hate and what we've argued over before, because my intention was to get things straight, not throw her world into upheaval. I feel like the lowest thing on the face of the earth. What she said is ringing in my head.... "You're self-absorbed."
I keep looking for it now, labeling myself as selfish, and paining myself over letting go of what matters to me. I'm not here. I don't exist. There is no me. There's only what I can do for others with a shadow existence, and for now I can only give her space until she doesn't hate me anymore, or dislike me, or whatever keeps making her yell at me with such determined bitterness. The best thing I can do now is let her enjoy her holidays. I probably won't say more than "Hey" between now and when we return from Christmas break. It hurts when someone throws you aside and not only do you care about them, but when they're also beautiful. Sorry to sound shallow or lovesick, because I'm neither anymore, but it's true. When there's someone whom you loved and is angelicly gorgeous, it's hard to just move away. She no longer has to worry about me wanting her back, I'd rather shoot myself first, mainly because of the painful memories, but I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Right now, I'm a horrible person, and all I can do is mess things up. But, I promise, am trying as hard as possible to better myself, and as soon as I am presentable again, I will never hurt a friend, and if she ever wants my friendship, I'd never let my cruel nature crush it. It seems we were not meant to be, so I wish I had never gone through anything of the past two years, but that does not mean that I don't want to revert to being the good friends we were before unfortunate feelings developed, and for all the pain I've caused, I wish I could bleed myself for eternity over it in order to bring a avengeance and order to your restless spirit. Oh, and I haven't said of late, but I am deeply sorry for the situation your father has been placed into. But I believe he'll come out fine. He's a good man. So for now, I bid you peace and farewell, because you do not need this crushing vex of despair that I am bringing. I am deeply and utterly sorry.