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How to become an Anime Fangirl in 6 easy steps... |
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This is meant to be a joke. Not serious. SO GET OFF MY BACK!!!
How to become an anime Fan Girl in 6 easy steps:
Step 1: Learn a couple of japanese words and use them in every sentence And by this, I don't mean try to learn any serious amount of Japanese. Not even enough to form a basic sentence, either. Basically, what you're gonna be looking to learn are a few select words that can be used ad-nauseum in virtually every sentence you vomit out of your brain.
Let's go over a couple:
Kawaii - Pronounced "Kuh-why". Use this word whenever you want to say that something is cute. For example, if you see a small mangy alley cat that's ridden with disease, you will point to it and scream "OMG KITTY ISH SO KAWAII!" Your friends, depending on who you're with, will either scream in girly excitement, or punch you in the throat until you can't ever speak again. If you're going to be the type of Anime fan girl that is hopelessly annoying, then you're going to be using this word a lot.
Baka - Pronounced "Bah-kuh". Baka basically means stupid, dumb, retarded, etc. You'll most often use this word to jokingly refer to your friends, who will no doubt come to hate you forever even after three or four uses of it. But that's the price you'll have to pay to be an anime fangirl. Let's look at a quick example:
Friend: I just tested HIV positive
You: AWWW YOU ISH SO BAKA. BAKA HEAD! SO BAKA!
That's pretty much all you'll need for right now. Those two words alone will cause endless hours of teeth-gritting hatred amongst your friends. Try to mix them up for fun. Let's see how we can combine the two words we learned into a semi-coherent conversation:
Friend: Can't you understand? I have AIDs. I'm going to die.
You: AWW WITTLE GIRL SO SAD! HERE ISH KAWAII DRAWING FOR BAKA FRIEND!
Friend: I'm going to kill myself. You can have my cat.
You: OMG KITTY ISH SO KAWAII!
Friend: I hate you.
Good job! Now, keep practicing until you're good enough that people will start throwing rocks at you if you come within twenty feet of them.
Step 2: Don't Forget Emoticons. Ever
Emoticons, by themselves, are pretty damn annoying if put in the wrong hands. And thanks to the whole anime thing, kids with far too much time to examine various keyboard keys, have come up with a large selection of anime-style emoticons. Let's take a look at some, and what they mean:
^_^ I am happy
^___^ I am happy, but have a wide mouth
^_^; I am happy, yet sweaty
>_> I am looking to the right
<_< I am looking to the left
;__; I am crying
O__O I am shocked
X__X I have died somehow
See? All pretty basic. You'll need to learn how to incorporate those into pretty much every sentence you type. But don't let these little simple emoticons stop you from experimenting with your very own custom anime emoticons. The great thing about these is that they're already so shitty and incomprehensible that you can make your very own, and no one will ever notice. Let's look at a few that I just now made up, and the meanings that go along with them:
%__% I have an STD on my eyes. Please avoid contact with me.
2____5 I just had the numbers 2 and 5 tattooed on my eyes for no reason.
d__Y;;;;; I am sorry to hear that you are the King of Egypt. I
appreciate the flowers"
<______O>;;;;;;;; There is a Manta Ray in my pants
&&_________!;;; I just finished raping your mother, and have defecated on myself.
Excellent. Now that you have your various emoticons, it's time to use them in a real conversation!
Friend: Hello.
You: OMG HELLO! ^____^
Friend: How are you
You: I AM FINE ^o^ >___>;;;;;;;;;;;;
Friend: Okay
You: O_O;;;;;;; -_____- >o>
Friend: Stop that
You: 6__gh;;;
Friend: *signs off*
You: ;_______________________________________;
Also, don't forget to throw in tons of "modern" lingo into your sentences, like "teh kewliez" and "Kewt". With enough practice, you'll be typing like all anime fangirls aspire to type like; A 10 year-old child with cerebral palsy .
Step 3: Guys That Look Like Girls Turn You On
The whole thing sweeping Japan right now is that it's totally hot for guys to try and look as much like girls as possible. Somehow, the women in Japan find this highly attractive. Especially when two effeminate men rub all over each other. This is referred to as "Yaoi", which basically means "Gay sex", which makes me want to "punch myself in the c**k". But hey, what do I know when it comes to what girls want?
Evidently nothing at all. Since this is one of the qualities you'll need to have if you want to be in the uber-fangirl section at your next anime convention. Nothing should turn you on more than a guy...that looks exactly like a girl. He should dress like a girl, talk like a girl, wear makeup, and be extremely thin. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that I just described a drag queen. But as most anime fangirls will strike me down for even COMPARING the two, I will point out that the main difference between a drag queen and a Japanese Yaoi couple is that the drag queen probably wears less makeup, and is probably less likely to act like some art f** with 200 pounds of p***k stuck up their a**.
Now even though I'm well aware that this whole step screams of girls getting turned on by other girls, which may be a bit disconcerting to most guys who just so happen to unfortunately not look like some A-sexual freak, keep in mind you ARE talking about hardcore anime fangirls. So most of them probably look more like a guy than any of their fanboy crushes.
Oh, I forgot this is a guide for girls. So yeah, you're probably a lesbian anyway.
Step 4: Learn to Draw Yourself As A "Chibi"
What's a chibi you ask? Why it's a super-deformed caricature of yourself, of course! This is what all the big time anime fangirls do during most of their art classes in school. Instead of learning solid techniques that you can use to make wonderful drawings, you'll be ignoring all of that, and instead using your time drawing ugly, fat little cartoons that more or less resemble a dead baby fetus dressed in a school uniform.
But you may be saying "I have no art talent, o.o! Whatever will I do? And also will you let me run my tongue down your chest?" Of course I will. But as for art talent, you need none. Just learn a few common circles and rectangles, and simply reuse them for every drawing you'll ever wretch out of that enfeebled mind of yours.
In a perfect world, anyone who drew such things would be burned on sight with those flamethrowers they used in the movie Aliens. It is not a perfect world though. And in this world of anime fangirls, that is KAWAII!!!
Step 5: Make an Online Journal
This is pretty simple. Basically your online journal should just be an extension of yourself, only it should be there for people to know what's going on in your life 24 hours a day. This really doesn't need to be anything important. It can be anything, really. Mostly you'll want to stick with running on and on about guys you're too embarrassed to talk to, or posting your favorite J-Pop lyrics.
Let's take a look at an actual livejournal for example:
"Wednesday, December 10th, 2003: Oh no... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEPS! Sammy bunny is supposed to be going to Cornwall Sunday but he needs to hand in coursework on Monday... doh! Ill have to try and do it all Thursday... if not... then... I dunno O.o Ill have to talk to the ever so kawaii (and new queen of kawaiiness
Step 6: Dress Like Your Favorite Character
This is pretty much a given, since you're already entrenched in everything involving your favorite anime characters, the next logical step is to dress up like them. It's not that hard, as most anime characters these days appear to have just grabbed a few random things that fit around their body and called it an outfit.
A few things that you should most definitely have on your list of things to wear:
Cat Ears - Because nothing says "Cute Anime Girl" like giant fuzzy cat ears strapped to your head.
Japanese School Girl Uniform - See above, but expect to be raped with tentacles soon after you put it on.
Giant Loose Socks - Remember back in the eighties when giant leg warmers were all the rage? No? Okay I'm old. But they were. They were also hideous, as you'd expect anything worn on the human body in the eighties to be. Okay, so fast forward to the 21st century, and Japanese girls are now wearing almost the same exact thing; Giant socks. Socks so large that most of these Japanese girls could fit their entire body into them. This is what you want to wear.
Though if your character requires more than just a casual throw-rug, you?ll probably have to be a bit more creative. And by creative, I mean just use whatever it takes to get the look you want. Bed sheet? Check. Disposable diapers? There ya go. Hell, use car parts if you have to. Who gives a ******** anymore anyway. Just don't forget the sparkles and paste.
Conclusion:
And there you have it. Pretty much everything you need to know about getting in with all the "cool" fangirls at the conventions. Follow these steps exactly as I've shown you, and you'll begin seeing results almost immediately. Some good, most bad though. But that's the life you'll have to live. Make sure that you're fully willing to lose any shame that you may have once had, along with most of your mind. But I think the end result will be more than worth it:
An excuse for me to kick you in the kidney when I see you.
 Prometheus-of-the-Pies · Wed Jun 22, 2005 @ 10:22pm · 4 Comments |
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