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I found myself asking that last night. Am I really Donut? That happy-go-lucky guy with hillarious multiple personalities who can make the gravest of situations into humor, who likes to laugh, who is a beakon of light in the darkest times? The guy who would stick by a friend until the end? The one who's not afraid to speak his mind, when he thought his mind needed speaking?
Or am I Joshua, the man who's heart has turned to stone...creator of an illusory shield of emotion, never letting anyone too close? The man who never cries, even in the face of death? The man who denies himself, to suit those around him? The man who forces himself to be something he is not, for the sake of those around him? The coward, who would turn away from his own emotions, his own loyalties, his own honor...just to avoid being hurt? The man who keeps his true thoughts bottled deep inside? The man who is no longer a man, but shell...a shell of hate, depression, and sorrow?
I look at myself and realize what has happened to my humanity, for I am the latter. And it burns. Or I will burn...
Everything everyone knows about me is a lie, a veil to hide my own emotions and designs. I am evil...there is no doubt. A tapering evil, but an evil, nonetheless. The kind of evil that should be exterminated. The kind that no longer deserves exhistance.
Sesshoumaru's answer to my question confirmed it...I am not what I was. I am worse. For I remember a time when I cared, when death and suffering affected me. When I would openly weep for those I lost and for those I was about to lose.
I am what I wanted to become...someone who doesn't care. My parents don't trust me. My closest friends shun me. Those who have met me, in person, who know of my accomplishments and what I have been "fortunate" to do, wish they had my life.
Really? You think it's so great to force your pain, hatred, sorrow, and anger behind a wall of happiness? Is it truly a good thing to have to wear a smile, while your heart is torn in two? Is it right to steal, lie, hurt...and not care? Is it right to lash out at those dearest to you, to turn away those who you love?
I have loved and I have lost,
And hatred I have gained,
But now I know the cost,
Know death must be repaid...
~ Me
The turning point in my life, when I no longer cared, could be traced back to a singular event...my choise to kill. Not a person, no, but a single bird. My choice to climb up the ladder, steathily, to its nest. to reach in, my conscience ripping to sheads, and grab it by the throat. To carry it out and throw it to the ground...repeatedly, grinning in pleasure at its cries of pain.
I have become what I have always hated. I am a corpse. A shell of what I once was, with all the good syphoned out.
Please tell me. Is such a hideous being fit for life? Is this truly my course? Am I forced to live this lie that is Donut, instead of his reality?
I am so lost...
 Prometheus-of-the-Pies · Tue Jun 21, 2005 @ 08:05pm · 3 Comments |
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