i relize i ask alot of questions that are relating to my problems. i know some people have gone threw the same thing cause maybe they can help me or i would end up helping them if they can't.
i do wonder this
Has a friend ever told you your to nice of a person to others that your being selfish because you want other to feel better than you want yourself to feel better.
Because i may feel i have the worse problem ever at the time but as soon as i hear one of my friends who may have a problem so small it's not that bad compare to mine that you swoop in to comfort them because you want them to feel good and that you know everyone has lots of problems that little ones can get into bigger ones.
i don't see how thats being selfish to want your friends to be happy if your not. i mean i feel like i'm losing my spot in one of my best friends life to an other friend, and i am jealouse and don't like it and it hurts me because some things we use to do is now done with that other person. i mean i get invited to go with them but i'm the third wheel when before i was the second in the two first main wheels. i try to be alone in my group of friends but if i can't help but show my true feelings and one of my friends say that the rest of the group thinks i'm trying to make them feel sorry for me.... i don't mean to purposly i mean i want the attention but i know it's not right so i try to aviod it and be suttle about going alone but if i try i feel that i'm making my self look sad.... one of the my friends who i feel is taking my spot in my best friends... i shouldn't say best friend they are more family as a sister. anyways the friend of my sister is noticing that i'm all gloomy and sad and i try to cover it up but i son think about certain things and i'm about to cry so i try to move when they start to not notice me again.
i know i sound selfish and babyish or whatever you want to think of me. i guess i'm being stupid but what if i'm not and not many people read this least not my "sister" and our friend so they might not ever know or relize this is about them... everyone goes through problems and now the problesm that are big in my life and all at once and it's do to my mom having a total breakdown that i'm melting down. i can't handle the stress i know i don't make things easier for her when i get into things and give her attitude by mistake and argue i don't mean to or want to but everything is piling up that i'm lashing out making things worse and now causing more pain because i won't open up to people cause i'm afriad of how they will react to me up set or possibly crying. i can't talk to my parents it's next to impossible at least right now. my friends have enough problems as it is and the three i can go to, well one is to busy with things and has lots of stress my other best friend as enough problems with stuff at home and my one other best friend has also bigger problems then me at least i think so i can't feel i can talk to them because of adding another burdon onto them....
i would tell my Boyfriend but i feel like i will be all complaining and since i'm really senstive this happening will get annoying i already told him i cut myself with ... something on my right leg on purpose because i spazzed adn snapped at another friend and was crying for the third time that day hence weds. may 25 2005. he got worried and all. i don't want to hurt the people i love and care about and maybe i'm glad almost nobody reads my journals and posts because then i wouldn't seem such a freak or that i pitty myself to much. least this helps with some of the pain and frustration i have if i post my selfpitty and then see it and all. i can deal with this it's not that hard as long as i have time periods where i'm allowed to cry with being called a cry baby. i just hope my crying spuraticly will stop before monday or at least next wednsday.
i thank those who do read my journal entrys it does make me feel like i am notice a bit and not just another face in the crowd of the world.
Brandi A.C.
 Rikku42 · Sun May 29, 2005 @ 06:25am · 3 Comments |
