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I just read my last to jornal entrties and all I can say is wow. Has it really been that long since then? It all started in tenth grade, the break up in 11th, and now I'm a high school graduate who just had freshmen orientation for college. So much has changed. Those last two super short entries was pre and post break up, and they both seem so odd. It feels like it was just a few months ago that my ex broke up with me but looking back it feels like forever ago at the same time.
Looking at that last entry I can't believe How well I took the break up. Then again, I was missing some ever crucial information. First of all, he cheated on me. I asked him about it, but of course he denied it. Fortunatly for me, I have inside info. my close friend happens to be my ex's girlfriend's best friend. She happens to think that what her friend did was awfull, so she tells me things here and there. This is getting a bit confusing, so lets call my ex E, his gf who he dumped me for (and who he's still with) R and the best friend J. So J told me that R had saidto her that they had been hooking up in March (me and E didn't break up untill april). So E cheated on me with R but denied it. Withmy proof the only way he could be telling the truth is if she lied about it, which I wouldn't put past her, but why would she need to? Oh and they count they're aniversary as the day they first hooked up. Which happens to be when me and him were still going out. Finally I found out that she's just going to break up with him this summer so that she can be single for college. That prolly made me the most angry of the 3. I loved this guy so much, and would have done anything to be with him. If him and I were still together when I went to college I would have either gone to a closer school or at least tried to make things work. but no she's just using him, and he knows it too.
The worst part is that I can't be mad at him. I'm so angry at her, but no mater what I do I'm never mad at him. So thinking about it it it seems that I'm still in love with him right? Well honestly I don't know. I do know two things though. He hurt me more than anything or anyone has before. I also know that even now, more then a year after he broke my heart, I'm still hurting and lonely. Losing the person you love sux, cause when you lose tat person, you lose your heart, and all that's left in you is a painful hole, and somehow there is still enough of you to hide the hole, and hide the pain. Just the other day I was cleaning out my room and I found a few of E's old love notes. One was from the 3 day we were broken up cause I was studip and wanted a break or something (it was a few months before the big break up). It said stuff like "I love you so much," "you hold my heart in your hands, please don't drop it," which is a lie, and ironic. I read one of his myspace journal entries, and it was about him and R, right after they got together (well, after me and him broke up anyways) It tlaked about how he allways liked her, but didn't want to ruin they're friendship, untill he found out that she liked him too. no mention of me of course.
After the schhol year ended, we grew more distant, though we stayed frieds through this past year. I didn't see much of him, but he called sometimes, and we'de have long convo's that wouldn't have any akwark silent moments. of course things aren't the same but it still feels good to talk to him. When I did manage to see him at school, he seemed to often have this sad look in his eye. I tryied asking him what was wrong, but he dinied that anything was going on. I know better, but if he doesn't want to tell be then that's his right. usually he'll be happier after he's talked to me. a few times when we were on the phone he's said that he was feeling better talking to me. THat made me smile, cause he seems sad so often. As a friend, I'm glad to cheer him up any time.
They're is something else that happened that I never told anyone that made things way more complicated. Of course I'm not going to tell ya'll cause it's just way to depressing and personal, plus though he hasn't used it in forever, E does have an account on gaia. I didn't even tell him, so yah. I will tell you that it made me depressed beyond anything before it, but thats a burden for me to carry.
anyways, I just wanted to vent the reminents of my high school drama so that it may hope to rid me of some remaining feelings. I just need it to be out of my system before I go off to college and start over. I can't wait to get on with the next chapter of my life.
 Atomic_Muffins · Thu Jun 28, 2007 @ 06:54am · 0 Comments |
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