Hey Readers..
I'm not really up for a long entry today but it's one of those unavoidable things. Today was a...confusing day for me.
We broke up twice. We got back together the first time and the second time...we stayed broken. I blame myself actually. If I had never mentioned breaking up, we would have stayed together. At least for a while longer.
My friends were always against it. Itz not like I didn't notice. I could tell that alot of them [not Kim or Kat] were totally against it. They waited and waited for the break-up. Some friends, huh? I guess they got their wish and I got mine.
It hurts. I didn't realize until it was too late. I guess I fell for him anywayz. I tried so hard not to. I guess it was futile to resist.
A part of me regrets that i gave up so easily. Maybe I should have asked him for real. Maybe I should have done something...anything. But I was stupid and I just let it happen. Now that itz over, I can't even be his friend. Because that would give me hope and I'll just end up hurting more in the end.
I wonder if it was true. Did he love me? I don't know. I guess I never will. I'm afraid to go back to before. The year is coming to an end. What more can I say? How many times will I set myself up for the kill?
I blame myself for most of it. I was being stupid, doubtful and afraid. Itz my fault for being so sensitive, for not being more open. Thatz all he wanted from me. A kiss, a hug, a smile...anything. I couldn't even give that to him. I feel like I failed him. And by letting go, I feel like I failed myself.
My pride got the best of me. It clouded my judgment and I ended up running away rather than cry in front of him. A part of me wants to be weak. The other realy IS weak. The other can't be weak.
Itz so complicated. Why can't I go back o this morning? Or just a few hours ago?
Here's a letter I wrote for my own satisfaction:
Dear You,
You know exactly who you are. This isn’t a love letter. It’s the kind of letter people write getting hurt. It’s the same kind of letter that people write for hours, crying and hurting alone and wishing they could do it again. We can make so many mistakes in a moment.
I’ll probably never send this letter. But I think that even if I did, you wouldn’t understand. I don’t think anyone would ever understand how I feel know. I’ll probably never give this to you.
I’m not perfect and you’re not either but your mistakes haven’t cost you your world.
I’m not brave or confident or smart. I’m always so afraid. I guess that was my one of my biggest mistakes. People talk crap. That’s nothing new. But here’s something that IS true: If there was one thing that HURT ME more than this break-up was that I was the reason that people talking crap about you. I was so afraid of that for so many different reasons. I HATED when I heard that s**t. It cut me deeper than you know. So, of course, I was afraid to be public. The closer we got, the worse things became. You don’t even know how badly it hurt to hear those things…
I’m not confident. When we broke up, I couldn’t do anything but walk away. So that’s exactly what I did. I just smiled and walked away. I shrugged off all the questions and just walked as fast as I could. Every step I took broke me. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to run away, to get as far as possible. It didn’t take me that far. I’m not confident. If I was, I would have cried openly. I would have told you how I felt.
I don’t think I’m smart at all. If I was, maybe I would’ve known what to say to make everything alright again. If I was smart, I would know how to say all the things that I wanted to say to you. But I’m not smart at all. I’m STUPID. Instead of saying the things I wanted to say, I closed my heart and walked away. The words were caught in my throat and I couldn’t say a thing to you.
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. I’m not entirely sure myself. I guess a part of me just wants to apologize. Even if you can’t here me and will probably never read this, I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a waste of your time. I’m sorry for not showing how much I cared and keeping my feelings a secret. I’m sorry for smiling and making you feel like I didn’t need you. I’m sorry for not holding your hand and for being so afraid to fall for you.
But there are things that I will NEVER apologize for. I won’t apologize for kissing you because I know that it made you smile. I’m not sorry for trying to protect you because I know that I would’ve done it whether or not we were together. I’m not sorry for saying “I love you” because even if I could say it without smiling, it was truer that you know.
I love you still. There will never be a time that I won’t. I don’t believe in “loved”. If you love someone, they stay in your heart forever. You’re still in my heart and I hope I meant something to you. If not, then I’ll still love you as the friend I had before “us”. I try not to regret ruing that friendship but I can’t help but want that again.
We probably will never be friends again. In these next few days, I’ll try to hold myself together and smile. I’ll make sure that even if you hate me, I won’t cry. I’ll pretend to not care and shrug and roll my eyes. I’ll walk away every time you’re near me and I’ll avoid you every way possible. And the reason why is that I hate you, just a little, for breaking me.
I’ll only ask you for one more thing. If you ever hear this request, please HATE me. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I just want finality. I just want to know that I won’t ever have to go through this with you ever again. Not you. Please. I don’t want any hope at all to be in me. I just want to know that it’s final because I don’t think I can take another break like this. Not from you.
And if you don’t remember anything at all in this letter or never get the chance to read, I’m sorry for wasting more of your time.
From the bottom of my heart,
Me
Feel sorry for me. My heart is still BROKEN.
the cheese to my macaroni Community Member 
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