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"Taking the Piss: Spam mail"

I have a Hotmail account. Yes, startling revelation I know. The thing is though, I only got it so I can use MSN, so I never check the mail I get from it. This also means that no-one in the whole world knows my hotmail address.

Except, it would seem, the spam merchants.

I should never have to check my Hotmail inbox, I know I'm not going to get anything worthwhile, but the constant reminders whenever I get onto MSN that my inbox contains 153 billion unread messages kind of irks my tidy mind, so I have to go in and delete the whole bally lot of them. This does so piss me off. I'm so pissed off with the whole thing I think I'll take a few examples and take the piss out of them. Enjoy.

>From : mike_sullivan@northumbria.ac.uk
>Subject : CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON!!!

This, I think, is the most recent mail I got, utilising, as you can clearly see, devious tactics to grab my attention. The 'mike_sullivan' address makes me think this came from a genuine person as opposed to a steam-powered spam-distributing machine, and the 'CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON!!!' part would surely catch my eye if I had entered any competitions in the recent past. However, since I haven't entered any competitions in the recent past, and since I don't know anyone who uses three exclamation marks in a row, I was not fooled.

>"CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON!!!

>----------------------------------------------------------------

>YOUR FREE MEMBERSHIP, FREE VACATION, AND FREE CELL PHONE !!!

>Looking for a secure and legitimate online home business?
>One that WILL bring steady, dependable monthly checks
>EVERY month and in the shortest amount of time??"

So how does the free vacation and cell phone come into this again?

>"How about if we gave you info on a FREE VACATION and a
>FREE CELL PHONE just for looking over our FREE info
>about this terrific opportunity to work from home as
>your own boss?"

Oh, I see.

>"What a GREAT OFFER!"

It kinds of undermines the statement that they had to say this themselves. Put these in the words of some other bloke and you've got your very own infomercial, but say it yourself and it just seems ridiculous. This is like Paul McCartney saying "Yes, I believe Paul McCartney's latest album is quite brilliant."

>From : Easily_Attract_Women<gethernow@joymail.com>
>Subject : Get all the women you want easily

It's that kind of impersonal e-mail address that just stops me from adhering to these people. They should take some lessons from Mr. mike_sullivan, above.

>"Limited Supply And Selling Out Fast

>Try This POTENT Pheromone Formula That Helps Attract Women"

I Already Figured It Attracts Women, MATEY, You Told Me Twice In Your Return Address And Subject LINE. And Ease Off The Capital LETTERS. It should be noted that I have turned on the Spam filters on my MSN inbox and this lot still made it through, so either the filters don't work or they're very easily fooled.

>"Because of all its exacting and expensive ingredients,
>Pheromone Concentrate cannot be mass-produced.
>Only a limited supply is left and it may not be available weeks from now.
>It's selling out at a record pace, re-orders are flooding in."

Oh well, suppose I'd better place an immediate order for your particular brand of funny-smelling deodorant if they're flying off the shelves this fast. Something tells me that either this company's CEO and all his mates have boxes full of the stuff in their garages, or they're lying through their extremely attractive teeth.

>"Don't lose out. Get all the women you want easily,
>excite your mate like never before...GUARANTEED!"

Excite my mate? What am I now, a panda? I don't know, something tells me that if you really had discovered the secret of making women fall at your feet then you wouldn't want to share it. I certainly wouldn't, but then I've obviously got a worse code of ethics than the spam people. Damn, that depresses me.

>From : yourresponse@163.net
>Subject : RE: your inquiry

Funny, I'm sure I would've remembered inquiring about something to someone called Yourresponse. Is that an eastern european name?

>"You were referred to me today as someone who is seeking
>a financial miracle. If this is true please continue - I promise
>this will be worth your time!"

Actually I'm not so much seeking a financial miracle as I am seeking money. I suppose I'd quite like it if a huge bag of money materialised in front of me, and that sort of counts as a financial miracle, so yes, I'm seeking a financial miracle. This means I can now read on. I feel so priveleged. Also, please tell me who referred me to you so I can strike him or her off my Christmas card list.

>"I can help you make $2,000. per week from your HOME with
>your computer and phone. This is not some scam or mlm opportunity.

>Are you Serious about earning an excellant income at home
>starting Right Away with a simple system where people contact you?"

And there was me thinking this was a scam. It clearly isn't, look! He says it isn't! I wasn't actually thinking this was an mlm opportunity, mainly because I don't know what an mlm opportunity is. Maximum Lasagna Man? Sounds like a superhero! Maximum Lasagna Man! Scourge of wrongdoers! The mightiest pasta-based dish in all Italy!

But yes, I am Serious about earning an 'excellant' income, starting Right Away. Does this require any selling?

>"No, this does not require any selling."

Jolly good.

>"Currently we are accepting new team members at this time. We will
>train you thoroughly. In addition, we are willing to provide you with
>Advertising Assistance to virtually insure your success!"

What the hell is Advertising Assistance? Is that where you get someone to walk around with you and point out all the advertising posters? Or is this assisting me advertise something? Well, I don't know, I suppose I could erect a big sign to hold up saying "I am Yahtzee, and I'm brilliant". I suppose I could do with someone to help me paint it.

>"Experience is not required. However, you must have a serious Desire
>for personal success."

I have a feeling they meant to capitalise the word 'serious' in this sentence but the retarded man they have to type this stuff up missed. Or maybe they have some computer program to randomly pick words to jam capital letters on. Either way, there's really no excuse for adding the capital to the word 'Desire' in this case, unless they were talking about the character from Neil Gaiman's Sandman books. Somehow I doubt that.

>"Call Mr Poopoohead at 1-800-CON-RTST Anytime" [phone number and contact name censored by management]

I like that 'Anytime' thing. Makes me want to stay up 'til three in the morning and ring them just to see if they're as desperate as I think they are. Well, it all sounds very tempting so I think I might - hey - wait a minute! That looks like an American phone number! Gah. That's my chances of making 2000 smackers a week blown out of the water. Aren't they supposed to check these things?

>From : ********@msn.com
>Subject : hi there

Jesus Christ, do my eyes deceive me? Is this really a mail from ... MYSELF? Good lord! Perhaps it's a version of me sending a message from the future trying to warn me! Wait a sec ... I always use capital letters and punctuation even in my subject lines! My future self must have had an accident that damaged his brain!

Looking at the mail, it would seem my future self wants me to go on holiday somewhere. Perhaps my house is going to explode. I dunno about you but this is the first piece of spam mail that I've ever paid much attention to! Man this has freaked me out. I'd better go and pack my bags.

[ADDENDUM - ONE DAY LATER - House still hasn't exploded. Good sign. Going to the Cayman Islands next week. Received another mail from my future self telling me to go see him and all his girlfriends play around in the shower at www.hotsexyschoolgirlslutwhores.com. It would appear in the future that I turn into a woman. Sounds like fun. I'll keep you posted.]