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when i was ... four i think ... i learned that my personal life and my home life were two very different things.

in fact there were alot of worlds. and i knew just how to play or act in everyone of them. it is because of the secrets and lie's i was able to fool everyone with faces of painted on cheer and happiness. i was trained to lie ... i was taught how to keep quiet and and every word you confide to another could later mean your doom.

i know now that my life would have been better by far if i had just ignore those rules. if i had seen the real face of what it was .... like i do now ....everything would be different.

instead ... i followed what was set before me and as soon as i could leave home ... i did.

i feel shocked that no matter how they have hurt or damaged me, i miss them. parents and sister ... i think about them all the time.

but im still not at peace with the fact that they still live in crap ... the mud i crawled out of ... they are still stuck in anger, regret, denial, and everyother negative feeling you can think of.

is it reasonable to blame myself for not being "the bigger person" ... to forgive and forget and work on my familys 20 year curse?

is this something i can just walk away from and say ... they will figure it out themselves ... its better that way ...

am i to lead by example or continue to wait for a change that isnt on its way?