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Misfits and Mayhem, Life as a Teenager
I ramble about life, love, happiness, and of course, my awesome boyfriend Steve. Feel free to read, comment, whatever but know that I censor NOTHING (other than what Gaia asks me to :) ) .
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How One Night can Change the Lives of Many |
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so in the past night several lives were changed dramatically. While one couple has separated and will attempt to patch a botched relationship another will consider its long-term plans and hopefully cast them aside for the time being. Where do I stand? I don't really know anymore. I love Steve. I love being with him. I am a wild and crazy woman who has somehow gotten herself tied down with a conservative homeboy. Not to say I have or have had any better options, but sometimes I question the future. I imagine two different futures, neither of which I am heading towards. In one, I am a dominating woman with money, power, control and a multitude of men. In another I am tied down as a mother and housewife caring for my family and casting any hopes of a real life or career aside. Needless to say, I feel that the future is quite a conundrum. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I feel dependent on a man when I long for independence. Sometimes thinking about it just makes me want to bash my head into a wall. I am both a hippie and an elitist. I believe in free love and respecting nature and only buying all natural products and clothing that do not harm animals. Yet simulataneously I want to live in a big house with a four car garage, a personal jet, a pool (with a pool boy), and all that jazz. I mean what the ******** is wrong with me? I am the epitome of American hypocrisy. I live it everyday. I want to fit in yet hate the institutionalized society with its bland conformity. I dress like a goth/punk yet loathe their common affiliation with drugs and alcohol... both of which I would like to try but avoid because of Steve. I feel like I am in a hopeless situation, being torn in numerous directions. When he's here, I know how much he loves me and do not doubt anything. When he is away, which is most of the time now, I question everything... and further hate myself for it. I loathe mainstream society but am beyond content working at Express, a clothing maker that tailors to mainstream society. I just wish I could be given the freedom, if only for a few moments, to not have to consider everything in my life. I despise my father yet insist on family values. I am often annoyed by some people I know yet continue to put up with them. I just wish that one morning I could wake up and go through a day without having to worry about the educational, social, political, demographics, or religious differences between myself and others. I am a heretic who would love to be martyred by being burned at the stake yet sympathizes with, EVEN FOLLOWS, a Christian moral code. Why?? WHY MUST I DEAL WITH ALL THIS? I blame society -- simply because it is all my influences in life that tear me apart so much. I am knowledgeable yet agree with the ideology that ignorance is bliss (hence why I watch the news only sporadically because of how depressed it makes me). I want children yet loathe the responsibility of caring for them and how financially draining they are. I wear sneakers every single day but wish I was wearing heels because of the attention I get. I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning so many people against me but still care about him and hope that he does well in life... without me, of course. Right now I want to down a couple glasses of wine but considering the consequences (homework not getting finished, hangover, and Steve being VERY angry with me) do not give in to temptation (plus I am not sure where it is so that just helps me not find it and drink it). I wish I could make sense of the world I live in. I wish I could sort out all the ideas in my mind and make them work together. I wish I could establish world peace, distribute the wealth of few to the many poor, assassinate the president, get Steve everything he wants in life, ensure my mother's happiness, make my brother stop being a bum, end genocide (and the "reconstruction" of Iraq), make cars run off of weed, etc. etc. but I can't. I am no Dalai Lama, no Martin Luther King Jr., no Nobel Peace Prize winner.... I am just another teenage girl struggling to find meaning in life (procrastinating homework) and wishing that the world would make sense so that I could figure out where the hell I fit in it.
 weirdketika · Mon Nov 28, 2005 @ 12:45am · 0 Comments |
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Find Recent Entries Here
Will post others (at above site) or here... very soon.
Oh yea, I wrote stuff a while back that you can view here
weirdketika · Sun Oct 16, 2005 @ 12:39am · 1 Comments |
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