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There's really no other way to say it. A-kon was really weird this year. I'm not sure what it was, something seemed a little off, but, aside from some awesome timing issues and a wonderful hotel arrangement, I can honestly say that this might have been one of my less enjoyable weekends at the convention.
I did some stupid stuff. I mean some really stupid, immature, idiotic, totally irresponsible stuff. And, after some much needed rest to recover, I'm half-way ashamed of it all. Shame is not a feeling that I carry around much. Sure, I have some regrets on how my relationship with my mother was treated, but other then that I have very little baggage in that department.
Coming to my senses this afternoon after sleeping off a entire day of being extremely hung over I could only shudder at what I allowed myself to do. I'm not so much ashamed of acting like a total fool in front of people that I will possibly never meet again but rather I'm ashamed of how I acted in front of someone who for all intent and purposes is the single most important person to me in my life at the moment.
I suppose I could easily pass it off onto peer pressure. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in here. My cousin once told me that I'm normal, just not for this area. I belong in the big city, surrounded by people similar in my age and interests. I suppose you could say this weekend I put that to the test. Yes, I made a couple friends, people who I can barely remember their names. I had fun, at times, some points where I can remember.
But that wasn't me. I mean, I like to cut loose as much as anyone but I felt like I was outside of my own body, watching myself, unable to stop myself from doing all the stupid idiotic things I did.
It's hard to find a balance. A part of me thinks that this has been coming for a long time. I've always known my limit, I've never let myself get like that before for the sheer fear of what would happen. But the mounting stress of the pass couple of years may have pushed me just past the point of caring. Subconsciously I reached out for a release and, just like the saying goes, I got exactly what I deserved.
My friend M didn't think it was such a big deal when I cried to him about it on the phone yesterday before I finally succumbed to sleep. He thought it was funny, normal even I suppose. But it didn't feel right when I finally came to my senses enough to understand the fruits of my actions.
So where do I belong in this world? Letting myself become numb to my surroundings didn't exactly fit what I would call a lasting good time. This little adventure proves that in terms of courage I'm lacking but in my weakest points I failed to reach out to my one true friend and beg to be anchored to solid reality. Or maybe I did, I can't even recall that.
All this drama is usually best saved for MySpace or Facebook but, in an attempt to save the feelings of someone who was involved, I have no where else to place it but in Gaia's hands. Sometimes I think talking helps bandaged a scarred heart. I hope it works just as well for a scarred ego.
 ll Michi ll · Tue Jun 02, 2009 @ 07:10am · 0 Comments |
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