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so whatever issue I had with my gf is now over. I say whatever because i'm not inclined to tell you about her life, so much as mine. but this time I'll make an exception
see, When Maci get's sick, she gets sick.
and i mean she get's REALLY SICK. and i'f i had to venture a guess as to what it was? it might as well be swine - she's got all the symptoms.
but that's not the bad part. the bad part is she tried to take medicine for it. i say tried, because her little sister gave her some morphine to go with it.

you guessed it, she OD'd. and I didn't even know it. not till it was over this morning, anyway. but I guess that's a good thing, cause with all my experience with drugs, i have no idea how to treat an overdose.
her step-brother, however, does. I never thought i'd say it, but thank god he does drugs. apparently he stayed up all night with her helping her out, while i slept soundly, unaware.
yeah, tha's right, I feel like an a** right now. but I can't FAIRLY blame myself - after all, there was no way I could have known. anyway, i haven't been talking to her at all all day cause I thought she could use the sleep. yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm sweet, sure. doesn't change the fact that she nearly died in the middle of the night and I coudn't have done anything even if I HAD been there. now at least I know you gotta do the same stuff you do for night-terrors. I got PLENTY of experience with those. i'm finding it hard not to spam her with messages even though know she's sleeping. or trying to, anyway. i guess i better get to my work. can't let my worrying about her mean getting my a** chewed - not that i think it's worse or anything

so I left Gaia.
why?
Because of an Ex. see, I still had feelings for her, but i didn't want to admit it.
I was so confused, so scared... so unwilling to let go of what I had. so I burried my face in it and wondered if I wanted it.
well, I do want it.
and I don't want her. despite all I've felt, all I feel, she is not the one I want, not who I love.
I still haven't found closure. only time will bring that. but while I still have pain in my stomach, I look forward - look to a future I want more than anything else. with her.

but that's not going so well. we got into our first real fight today, and she won't talk to me. I'm one of those guys who likes to fix things right away, but i'm doing my best not to spam her with "I'm sorry" messages. I've got a lot of pent up emotions, all churning and burning, and she's why - she's mad at me. and I don't blame her. I can only try to not insult myself anymore.
Rikka - though you may never read this, I love you. I'm sorry for everything.
anyway, I finally got myself a Facebook, and i've been leaving my myspace alone. I really don't have the guts/heart to talk about much right now. I'm still really upset about everything, but whatever. I have a bad grade coming up, and I can't let my folks see it. so I'm gonna find it when it comes, and burn it before they find it. I'm doing my best to get these grades going. i just haven't been doing enough.
anyway, my journal is tweaking out, so i'mma go ahead and wrap this up. I'm back. and I'm still messed up - but i'm actually getting better.