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Attenion all Gaian friends:
I have decided that my time on gaia must come to an abupt end. It is no ones fault and not a completely bad thing either. School will be starting soon, and it has come to my attention that I am "out of the loop". So for the last week I expect to send my time watching MTV , running on the treadmill, and going to Mariah's kick a** pool party! You can still contact me at Yahoo instant Messenger or on my xanga (sugar_berry). Gaia is too time consuming, and I don't want to try and juggle gaia and my numerous extra cirriculars (school, my dance classes, my voice lessons, girl scouts, all the after school clubs, and national junior honor society, and hopefully a better social life wink ) I know this may seem sudden to some of you, but trust me. It isn't. I don't want to go into details, but some of my closest friends (not inclulding Meg-chan, but she's indifferent to it, so that's okay I guess... sorry. Back to the topic) have been pressuring me to quit. Untill recently I had been holding on despite thier wishes. Now I see no reason to countinue. I love you all dearly and will miss you from the bottom of my heart.
ciao,
sad ~Sakura~ sad
 Sakura_says_Hello · Sat Aug 06, 2005 @ 07:07pm · 5 Comments |
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Nothing really special about this post. It's raining. It's kinda...I don't know....calming. I love the rain. I'm sitting on my couch just listening to the rain beat against my window. I just feel snuggly in my big blanket. For the first time in ....-reads through every diary entry she ever made- a really long time apparently, I just feel really peaceful. I love the rain. When I'm listening to the rain, everything else just seems to drift away. Things don't seem to matter. People are always suprised to hear that I hate sunshine. It always seems so harsh, blinding. Daydreaming in the rain. I think I'm in heaven. One time at my grandma's house (another place I seem to be oddly relaxed)I was depressed,(over the same people ironically) and It started downpouring, and I walked out there. No one was around. I was soaked. I couldn't see like, a foot infront of my face.I wandered around for an hour or so, just going where ever I felt like. Peace. Peace and Freedom. That was another thing I loved about it. That freedom to do whatever I chose. I never get that at home, and it just...I don't know.It feels like I could spend a lifetime warndering alone in the rain, and still cherish every minute. I remember feeling the water running past my feet to the creek and I just felt like I needed to go there. The creek had overflowed. without thinking I just got in. I stood there for I don't know how long, just feeling the water pour on me and swirl around me. I loved it. ((I think I was subconiuosly wishing that I would end up drowning some how. But it wasn't an "Oh my god I want to die" kinda thing. I t was more like "I'm ready. Should fate decide for me to go, I will go happily. the creepy part was how I fetl . Just calm. No fear or panic. I didn't even think about the type neightborhood I was in) I never forgot about that day. I never talk about, because people tend to look at me weird, but everytime it rains, I remember that day, and I just relax instantly. Of coarse my grandma was totaly cool about it. She whent inside and gave me towel to dry off. It was one f the memories I cherish most, and the best thing is no one can take it away from me! As people, we place too much worth in others, I love nature in general, but thinking back that probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. I could easily have been abducted. Then again I honestly don't care. Nothing can take that day away from me. I must be an idiot, posting something so ... close to me in this place. Especially since it's one of the few memories I have left that haven't been tainted in one way or another. The rain beats down on my window, inviting me to relive my past. I turn away from it, trying hard not to see faces in the rain. I know that if I go out, I won't feel that peace again. I know that my mind won't rest even if I do go out. There is too much of a chance I will see someone I can't deal with right now.Right now. By tommorrow, I will be under control. By tommorrow the rain will have dried. Tommorrow the only sign that there was rain in the first place will be a puddle here and there. Like me. I'm going to leave soon, and all that will stay is a couple memroies I might have given someone. I hope I made at least one person's life better in some way,though I really doubt it. I'm going to go to sleep, listening to the rain.
Sleepless dreams,
heart ~Sakura~ heart
Sakura_says_Hello · Sat Aug 06, 2005 @ 03:52am · 1 Comments |
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It's sickening how much I depended on them. Gross how close I allowed myself to get. I hadn't gotten that close to Mariah and she's been my best friend since 5th grade. I really am disgusted with myself. Trust. I thought I'd learned my lesson from Dallas and Shane. Trusting people only gets you hurt. It doesn't matter how close you are. People will never care about you the way you care about them. Friendship in itself is really pointless. I can't believe I thought that I finally had people I could trust. heh. Sweet irony raises her head to greet me again. she welcomes me with open arms, hugging me close. No matter where I go, I know irony will be close behind. Forget them. I don't care. I should have stayed an uht-oh with Melmel and chel and Amy. They were cool, and they didn't pretend to care about how I was. All they cared about was If I was fun to be around. When I wasn't, they would leave me alone. I kinda prefer that I think. Instead of all these fake "feelings" everyone seems to have. ciao.
heart ~Sakura~ heart
Sakura_says_Hello · Sat Aug 06, 2005 @ 12:16am · 0 Comments |
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Alright, i feel bad now. I blew up at someone who didn't deserve it. I am happy about it. I have no feelings about it. I am fine. I am good. I am cool. cool. I am cool. Ice. cold. Ice cold. I can't feel at all. cool. cool. i am numb like ice. cool. cold. An iceberg floating the arctic somewhere cold and desolate. cool. good, cool. Everything is fine. Alright, I really am okay now. I think. If not oh well. It's only a matter of time before I get blocked again.
Sakura_says_Hello · Sat Aug 06, 2005 @ 12:07am · 0 Comments |
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remember those "You're sooooo freakin' happy" Results? Yeah. Here are the new ones.
#1You scored as Denile.
you are in denile, you know your breaking but dont want to admit it, you may have incredible hatred for yourself,and you know it and a part of you doesnt want 2 admit it.
Denile
#2Your soul is broken.
You are living through a lot of pain everyday that you have to deal with, which is making you sorrowful. No one ever stays by your side when you truly need them and no one ever will. Everything is hopeless and tragic and you keep yearning for the day you will be free from pain. Love is unlikely to happen to you because you isolate yourself and are suspicious of peoples motives. You stand in the shadows of the world, watching what you can never have. The bruises you carry never seems to heal, your mind is dark and no one seems to understand or wants to help. As always, you will be alone in the world, fighting your dark thoughts by yourself.
great. I'm a broken soul in denial. Today just can't get better
Sakura_says_Hello · Fri Aug 05, 2005 @ 11:06pm · 0 Comments |
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I am so freaking shallow. |
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I am shallow and self centered. Ignore that last post. I am happy. I think. No, I know. I am happy. I really am. My heart isn't drowning in self pity. I am damned. I am alone. No. I happy. Why the hell do I bother? Because they are good people and deserve each other. What they deserve is a axe rammed through both thier skulls. NO! They are happy and so are you. The only reason I'm not happy is because I'm a self centered b***h. Seriously! Someone read that last post, and PMed me saying "Don't be such an emo." EMO!!! ME!!! I AM NOT AN EMO!!!! I AM HAPPY DAMMIT!
...i...am...happy....i give up. I don't care. This always happens anyways. I should be used to it. God I was so stupid. How could I have thought. -sigh- I do need a nap. And the people I turn to when I'm torn I can't turn to anymore. tme to bring in Meg-chan. this is serious. I need help. I've never thought of suicide before, but... no. not again. I am happy. I really am. that's all anyone will ever know. I am happy. No one will know why I died. Not suicide. I gotta make it look like an accident....or a murder.... dammit! I know one person who was good at thinking up murders, but I can't talk to him! This majorly sucks. toodles. Off to try and plot my death.
~hopely goodbye forever~
heart ~Sakura~ heart
Sakura_says_Hello · Fri Aug 05, 2005 @ 11:00pm · 0 Comments |
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I know I should be happy for them. I really should. I'm a terrible person for not being. At least they think I am. That counts for something, right? I didn't tell them I cried for like, an hour. I said congrat. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It's okay though. I'll get over it. The tears will stop eventually. I'm okay. Really, everything will be fine. I AM changing! That was the last straw. and I'm not eating anymore! It seemed to help last time. I realized I really am alone. I ...uhh..... I really hope they don't read this...or if they do, I hope they don't know I'm talking about them. God it's so bad now that even my parents know something is wrong. Do you know how bad it has to be for my parents to realise anything about me? To them, I'm this happy sweet little girl who (when she's upset) just needs a nap. Well, I know right now I need a little bit of sleep to get away from reality if nothing else. but what am I going to dream about now? This is terrible. No, I'm happy. I am happy. With life in gerneral. With my friends. With my family. With my weakening writing/singing skills. With Maris pressuring me to be someone I hate. I am fine.
Sakura_says_Hello · Fri Aug 05, 2005 @ 10:42pm · 0 Comments |
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I think this quiz is better. |
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I think this one is more accurate than the other two I took....
You chose blue-green eyes. You are a very happy, hyper person. You love to laugh a lot with your friends, and you are loud in large crowds. Most of the time you're smiling, but inside, you have a slight low self esteem, and you try to cover it up with cheerfullness. You try to live life to the fullest. You also believe in all the supernatural things. Like in faeries, ghosts, aliens, etc...You like to keep your options open. You can sometimes be a bit bossy too, when people don't always like the same things you like. It makes you defensive.
Sakura_says_Hello · Fri Aug 05, 2005 @ 09:43pm · 2 Comments |
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<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/SabrilDevereux/1122865145_resDreamer.jpg" border="0" alt="HASH(0x8b43c40)"><br>People see you as a Dreamer. You always have your<br>head in the clouds and long for a better place.<br>Dreamers are imaginative and creative and often<br>have a very short attention span. My<br>recamendation to all dreamers is to try to make<br>all your dreams come true! Never say Never my<br>dear dreamer!
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/SabrilDevereux/quizzes/What%20Do%20People%20Truly%20See%20You%20As%3F%20(lots%20of%20outcomes%20and%20stunning%20pictures)/"> <font size="-1">What Do People Truly See You As? (lots of outcomes and stunning pictures)</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>
Do people really see me like that? Please comment.
Sakura_says_Hello · Fri Aug 05, 2005 @ 09:30pm · 0 Comments |
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