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It's funny wondering whether my shadow likes me, or if it's just there because without it I would be an empty case labeled success, transparent and defined by numbers and figures. Or if my shadow stays because it needs me to be it's opposite. It's goal is singular, while I live in plurals, and in the end it always wins the day and I'm left behind, bothering with lights and hoping my shadow comes back the same but it never does. I force it, demand it, control it, reform it. So I wonder, if my Shadow Like me too, because without it who would I be, besides the mistakes that it absorbs. The hate that my shadow devours, the will that is endless because my shadow never leaves my side even when I feel I leave myself in the dark, with hopes that aren't realistic and dreams that are just that. So I wonder if My shadow like me. Even when it takes all of my sentimental abuse it still grows through the day, but by the end it's tired of it all. Tired of the suffering, tired of always being behind watching me purposely destroy it's necessity for life. So I wonder. Does My shadow Like me?

I see what makes me happy, self worthy happening, breaking bringing and seeing my self straight in the eyes. Took what was left, and let it die, still growing in the grave I bury the rage. Even when I say I'm alone here, I don't even try to find myself. Sick this mind falls to sleep.

Screa, screa, screa, screaming

turning in my head I hold it in with my palms and let it escape through my eyes and the heavy feeling rocks me back and lets me fall into the swirl that is responsibility. And if i could turn it away, but it consumes space and leaves no air for breath.

I can't speak, but I can see.
I can't Speak but i can see
I can't speak but i can see
and I can't speak but I can see

Wrapping arms that dress you, the motivation! IT'S GREED.

If only I could put into words the depth of me screaming during restless nights that linger on my eyes and continue even when I ask them to stop and let me be peace, they turn me and sounds unheard shake the existence of my wanted solitude, but I know, I know that what I ask for is this, the relentless conscience that loves the despair, I want the self-loathing, the desperation, the diluted sanity in a paper cup on a blank screen, in a black room that only changes where the lights falls, I want the bottom that reaches beyond the rocks and lifts the rest of the earth, I want understanding of what that force is, that I can have it and power an unreal struggle that I dream of telling. But I fail even in failing, I'm desperate for fleeting hope to knock me from my bed and let me ware down my gears. I want to be capable.

The cold rain will sputter the words
and in the drama of it's pucker
only the weak will survive for the strong
have fought till little, but sympathy is left.

I am dependent.
Dependent on the reaction of others, but, I can't cause an action
I'm limp
Limp like the flat sea on its flat sand letting the moon push it endlessly. Dancing day and night getting its toes stepped on and its new clothes dirty like its thoughts.
I'm caught.
simply caught. In a net of all things imaginary fighting with myself and letting me win. I am a meditation on reality releasing my prejudice and accepting nothing that I can doubt, but I doubt it all.
I am a dead walk from the stale hug, dried tear, and sorrow sigh that lies heavy on the dirt pressing the grass to come up and covering the new mound built especially for me.
I am that grass
I am that grass
I am that grass
repeating myself because that's what makes life go on, repetition of what I want to be.
I want
but I can't have because what is a "want"? What else but hope, solid hope that if I try hard enough it will come. But I can't
That is my truth
Can't.

I want to wake up
saddening discretion from a retreating room.
Images continue while emotions hold still in an eternity that follows the path of a single clock.
Circular in my sleep, the day rambles on with heavy steps and the nights follows.
I'm convinced that my eyes are open, but still I realize I haven't opened my eyes
In a long time.

Coma made me do it.

[1] I committed suicide:
[2] I said I liked you:
[3] I kissed you:
[4] I lived next door to you:
[5] I started smoking:
[6] I stole something:
[7] I was hospitalized:
[8] I ran away from home:
[9] I got into a fight and you weren't there:

What do you think about my:
[1] Personality:
[2] Eyes:
[3] Face:
[4] Hair:
[5] Clothes:
[6] Mannerisms:

Other:
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] would you kill me?
[13] would you have sex with me?
[14] Would you marry me?
[15] Emotionally, what stands out?
[16] Do you wish I was cooler?
[17] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[18] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[19] Am I loveable?
[20]how long have you known me?
[21]describe me in one word.
[22]What was your first impression?
[23]Do you still think that way about me now?
[24]What do you think my weakness is?
[25] you think I'll get married?
[26]What about me makes you happy?
[27]What about me makes you sad?
[28]hat reminds you of me?
[29]What's something you would change about me?
[30]well do you know me?
[31] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[32] Do you think I would kill someone?
[33] Are we close?
[34] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you ?