Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

recently i tried to train with my friend. names will not be mantioned. i was trying to do something new so that i would be fast enough and have the mind set to even compare with her. yet when i ******** up once, ONCE, she was angry and got cocky about how she couldnt hit me anywhere. just for everyone i accidently hit her in the chin with my nails and palm.

then i said we should stop because evidently i sucked and couldnt fight well. and she wanted to know where the hell she could hit me seeing as how evidently i had told her that she couldnt hit me anywhere. yet keep in mind that before this happend she had hit me in my arm,a**, and both legs- yet evidently i had told her she couldnt hit me.....

so i became angry and took a stick to the pavement because i had no other way to get it out.

once i had finished i layed out side. i just layed there wondering if my friend would care. would hse come outside to check on me? or if i layed outside and fell asleep would she just left me there. i layed there untill the sun set so prolly about 30mins at least. and no one showed up.

i went inside and there she was talking to her boyfriend as though nothing had happened. which brought me to the conclusion that i dont really think my friend sees me as anything more than a car, some money, and a p***y.... yes my friend and i are ******** buddies.

but evidently through all that i guess it doesnt matter. cuz everything i attempt to do goes up in flames, downa the drain, and is generally s**t all over. i have no talents, none whatsoever. and to make matters worse, im utterly alone.

the only person i let in blew me off today. and i know she doesnt care. i tried to write this with her in the room but it didnt work out. i had to leave the room. they started dancing to a song.

i know i overreacted in the begining about hitting her. but still, why didnt she come out to check on me?

i guess her boyufriend is a really interesting person. i guess he means a lot. i guess im just a pile of s**t.

i mean where does the world have a place for me. i have no talents, nothing i excel in. and no person to strive for. none.

alone

so what should i do? should i just suck it up and sew the wounds shut with my own flesh? should i smile and pour salt on my wounds? or should i sit out here next to the kitchen and display to the world the hate of my friends. The hate of how no matter how close they are, they are never part of you, and they generally just dont care.

we are all being used by our friends in one way or another. there is on exclusion to this however, friends made in early childhood. a connection is made then, almost sipiritual uin nature. its a wholesome inclusioni of anothers being. an allouence on both sides to accept anothers fault and shortcommings.

yet friends made in later years lack this. the mind stands before the heart. decisions are made. should i? shouldnt i? and thats where they stop being friends. when the descion has to be made. from decsions come regret. a neverending spiral of regret. one that no man can escape from and doesnt know he's in untill its too late to turn back.

at times i wonder what it would have been like if i had just stopped. could this whole thing have been changed if i just shut the ******** up and took it like the b***h i am. but then i think that it takes two to tango. its never one persons fault for anything. its only your fault if your the only one involved, else its both or all your faults.

the only difference is that i mighta got a hit in on her, or shew woulda got a hit in on me and then wwe would have stopped. if she had hit me hard enough then we woulda stopped and she woulda made fun of me about how everytime i get hit i stop fighting. if i had gooten a hit in on her she would have been angry like she was today.

so where do i go from here? this weak lil wanna be. who has no values,virtues, and is overall weak in every asect of the word, would like to know ehre to go.

i have no idea

all i know is that living from dayto day is becoming increasingly painfull. the loss of love that i have experienced, and the rejection i have felt today hurt a lot. i kinda wish for her to go home yet i know that i am the one that has to drive her. i dont want my mom to know we got in a fight either, so i guess when she comes home im going to have to smile and laugh.

nothing like plastic.

i wish i could leave this world. maybe go somewhere where someone cares. where someone will hold me dear. or possibly even want me. but im increasingly realizing that i am nothing and therfore will become nothing. yet another endless cycle that i have no control over.

i'm sitting in the dark right now as i type this; the computer the only things giving light. i wish that she had come in to ask me what was wrong but se doesnt. i can hear her talking to her boyfriend about the movie going on. i hear the movie. both false pretences.

i know that when she gets around to reading this if she ever does she will either be sad, or angry. theres never an in between. theres wholesness in her for this. she will express her emotions in anyways necessary such that the other person will understand. whether it be yelling, screaming, crying, suicide attempts. it doesnt matter.

she will prolly read this and wait for me to call. because she cant call me. her phone wont let her and they have no phone cards. so as soon as i call she will tell me how much of an evil person she is. and how much she wishes she had never called me in the first place about 2 years ago. and how i should just stop hanging out with her becasue shes a bad influence, person, not worth my time, etc.

yet i dont think she'll take into consideration the emotions that went into this as it was typed. the feeling felt when it was written. she'll take it in as though i had just typed in 2 seconds ago.

now when i call she'll be angry. angry at the fact that i insulted her intelligence. that even though i think so highly of her i evidently dont display it.

but theres one more hting. could a friend that i think lowly of, and not like at all, make me feel this much? when she makes me laugh i laugh hard, sad and i cry, angry ...... people better get outta my way.....

but in all i guess it doesnt matter. shes special and im not.

im probably the only normal person on this planet.

i have no talents, no hopes, no dreeams, and no special person.

scarth that, i have a dream, i've always wanted to build something technologically incredible. however i lack any talent for it. so the lack of talent, and the lack of the person, adds the loss of dreams to the list.

with all this to back up my cliam i stand before youall to say that if there was a god why the HELL would he make a person like me? one that can do nothing? one that is not special in anyway?

everyones special my a**! everyone but me!

if i was special i'd have some talent right now. soem ability, math, science, history, ANYTHING!! but i have none. nothing but complaining.

great

wonderfull

i have a talent now..... complaining

where the ******** is that supposed to get me? i wish i wouls die. God is an evil little man piecing people together and hoping they work out right. the frnakenstien of the cosmos. i just wish he would stop being so mean to me. i mean what the hell did i ever do to him? i try and be a good person!

i care way more about others than myself yet it gets me no where. all i get are religious friends telling me im doing it the wrong way. so i guess all god wants is you to stop everything your doing and pray to him every moment of every second of your life. i guess caring about other people gets you no where. i tried so hard too. tried so hard to make everything work. to make everyone happy. yet it didnt work. no one cares.

no one will read this. no one will comment. and i will be yet again alone. condemned from a happy life, condemned by god, condemed by everyone.

and all this because one friend was angry that i ******** up a little and stratched her chin.

isnt life wonderful...................