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Eh it's 3:30AM EST, Can't sleep just so much on my mind lately that no one I can talk to about that I trust fully thats around daily so Im just going to ramble about whats on my mind (eh I don't need advice most of what I say I have to figure on my own).



I dout it's my old depression I really don't have anything to be depressed about except my stomache infection that Im pending on my health insurance to kick in anytime soon.

Idk I just feel lost or my life is missing something that refuses to tell or show me what it is. I felt like this since I was 17-18 but now that Im 20 it's just getting harder on me each day that gose by. Is it someone,some thing, place, emotion,pass or future?...

I calculated small things that I'm missing so far such as: Lost feeling in love life, Lost feeling with most friends, Lost feeling in my self confidance, Can't seem to let go so easily on my pass.

Im worried of the Future thats ahead of me I understand take it one day at a time - But when my parents/bio mother passes away who do I have to look up to? I don't get along with many bros and sisters. I still live with parents & I honestly wanted to move out when I was 18 had this great plan an all but put my self in some deep ends with work and school, Now days Im unemployed due to a medical problem that needs to be taking care of so I can make income again, get out more,ect.

Im a very stressful guy yet nice enough to give out the advice others seek for, I feel as if Im going to have a very lonely future. Specially when I move later this year - I want to move even though yes I will be leaving 2 friends behind that I rarely hang out, But I don't see an future in my State now. They want me to stay they don't understand I see me with no future in MA .. 3 1/2 to 4 years was in the national guard for 1 week My dream career destroyed cause of a disability in my left eye, I don't even want to bother with college to expensive and if I did go I would have started 2 years ago.

Then the harassment kicks in (I know you can Ignore.) but anyways Relationships -

Thing with me It's like a must in my life other then Job/ect.ect. Since I was a little boy It was a goal to find a long lasting loving relationship (not for sex) cause I love the feeling of being loved and making sure that person feels the same way.

Im kinda fast at first with words.. So I somewhat scare her cause some words scare women if said to fast. So I been working on that, Im a slow type of relationships - don't rush anything cause some will get hurt emotionally. But as of my past all them women I went out with well lets put it this way they wanted more physical or all then a 50/50, so relationships didn't last more then a month so I gave up in 2003 cause didn't seem I could reach out an comunicate with the few I loved. Im not seeking to hop in the sack then leave you if your not good enough... no no --- thats not what Im about/ just the fact someone is there for me when I need to talk about things others don't understand, (no im not gay), Im tired of some women that complain about there being no nice guys or around that area - Look at the male friends you have that are close an take time out of there lives an listen to you, understand, give advice, so on... They are the ones to a successful relationship - not these d**k heads that pretend to be in love with you just to get some out of it... Not all guys are like that look at your close friends seriously & stop with the brother thing only very few guys out there are interested in thinking a friend as a sister or brother, Eathier friend or no friend - get a gay man friend as a bro...

And If theres something wrong tell us don't go hide it away cause we will find out sooner or later. Trust, Honesty and Communication is Key to relationships/friendships.

And please stop with the ******** labling... It's nothing like that when your out of school /college - Grow up otherwise its going to be a tough life in the real world for you. You dislike/hate a fad leave it at that.
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Eh Anyways went a little off topic -

Yeah just have alot on my mind .... Feel : Lonely in ways, lost, sad about something not to sure of except the Med Iss.

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