Do you remember that day, when it was snowing outside?
You called me and I didn't have much to say.
I was cold and short with you, and as we sat in silence for what seemed like forever, you finally sighed and in a pained voice and said goodbye.
I hung up the phone and sat silently at my desk, staring at the phone and wondering what had made me so distant. The more I thought on it, the more it bothered me.
After a moment, I couldn't ignore the tight pain in my chest and the knot in my stomach and I had to call you back.
...To say I was sorry, to say I love you.
... ... ... But you didn't answer; you weren't there.
I hung up the phone without leaving a message and started to worry; the way I always do. The pain in my chest and stomach became stronger and I had to call you back again.
As before you didn't answer, but this time I was compelled to leave a message.
...Short and to the point, I told you I was sorry and that I loved you...
I hung up the phone, but the small, icy tendrils of dread were still wrapped tightly around my heart.
After no more than 4 minutes, I called you again, desperate to hear your voice and to make things right between us.
...You answered...but as I heard your voice through the earpiece of my phone, the cold grip around my heart tightened again, as you whispered you were just in an accident.
I had just spoken with you not 10 minutes before! You were in an accident, my mind screamed.
How could I have been so stupid and cold, so heartless and distant from you only a few minutes earlier?
What if you were seriously hurt, what if you weren't able to answer the phone...
...what if...
... ... I had lost you?
You were calm and assured me you were fine, but my heart and my mind could not let me forget; could not let me forgive myself.
"Treat each moment like it could be our last," you always said. Just think if my cold words ealier were the last thing you heard...I would never have forgiven myself.
After hanging up the phone for the 4th time in 15 minutes, I sat staring blankly into space.
...How trivial I had been.
... ... How quickly things can change.
... ... ... How much I loved you.
All these things flashed through my mind as I sat numbly at my desk.
And then I wondered, that cold dread in my chest...
...was it guilt...
... ... was it frustration?
... ... ... Or was it my heart telling me I almost lost something more precious to me than my own life?
I'm not sure, but all I can say is I'm sorry...and that I love you.
~Your Silly Lover~
 Ryuuri · Mon Feb 28, 2005 @ 07:18pm · 0 Comments |
Kaigen is my guardian lover