Darkness seems to forever plague my thoughts now. I flee to hide my face beneath this mask. This mask, I can bear no longer. It makes my heart heavy and my body weak. My soul is dead and dying and the future looks so bleak. I push everyone away, I can't seem the goodness in myself. The self-hatred coats itself in an unremovable layer, for my discomfort and pain. I deserve every bit and drop of sadness. Every tear, every pain. The tight hand gripping around my fragile, cracking heart - the stomach that's being wound together. My fatigue, my weariness, my hopelessness... The light that shined through all this bitterness, the sliver of gleam that blossomed into a glorious phoenix-colored dawn.. How many times have I blanketed that morning and darkened its skies with ink? How many times have I shot down that litle bird hope that yet tries to flutter about in my chest?
If I regret, I will regret more. If I remember, more will come to me. But what council can my memories yeild? Faded thoughts and days long past that tell me of my past failures and how I never learned from them. As I drag my feet, anxiously waiting to hear a word from that hope, from that old joy and the passion it holds. Speak, call, appear, anything at all so that your voice does not remain only in its mind. Let your heart tell mine, let me say my piece and beg forgiveness though I deserve none of it at all. All the words known to me or you or anyone at all, there will never be enough. Not enough to tell you how much I wish you were beside me like this grief is now. To profess my love more and more. This dwindling orb hanging in my chest is hanging onto one thing that matters in this world. Someday, I may push too much and lose that last ounce of strength and hope. That last bit and drop of the blessings given to me. What then, but to sink into utter dispare?
I pray, that my precious angel takes flight to me now in her heart. Find my reached soul crying out for judgement and silence its tortured screams. Cleanse, purify all the darkness that lies behind the truth. The shadows, the lingering thoughts, bansih them if you will. Appear and show me the world is not a vast wasteland without sympathies. Arm me with your wisdom to allow me to see what is not illusioned, but there to be seen. Hold me down to sanity, and hold me close to your rythmic heart. Don't let me fall again. Something, anything, let it be there so I can hold it close to my own chest as well. Warmth and love - your heart - it's all I need. Please allow me to make mistakes, but never allow me to hurt you. For every pain, I deserve ten lashes, for every tear I want to lose ten breathes. My back for your own, I won't let you be destroyed again. Let me find my own revolution and apply it to everlasting redemption. Let me help you be free, and help me let you nuture the wounds and erease the unthinkable scars. Tear out the black, cringing weeds sprouting from its roots and till the soul with laughter. Shower me in soft kisses and plant them with tender care. Stay beside me, and let them grow, and block the darkness out. Let me see again, and believe again. Be carefree again. Let me hold you, help you, kiss you, love you more than before. Let me repent, bid my apologies and worship your grace and beauty. Walk in your footsteps and share in your dreams and wisdom.
If I regret, I will regret more. If I remember, more will come to me. But what council can my memories yeild? But if I cast this aside. If I break the mask, and swear to run no longer. If I can bring my soul back to life and cast a light to cut the darkness. To shed this skin of self-hatred and replace it with something more. To banish every tear and every pain, mine and yours. Sleep will come, and my heart will mend with time. Every day will bring our paths closer together until they merge to become one, we will walk it hand-in-hand without fear. Stop closing the doors, and break down the wall between us I've created. If I reget, I will regret more. If I remember, more will come to me. The council my memories yield is the sometimes unspoken love for you. I fear for my own sanity that I can never hold onto this beautiful little bird and the glorious phoenix-colored dawn... Painstakingly, and effortlessly, let me whoo you with soft words and promised promises. Let me believe, and let me believe in you, see the gooddness and beauty.
My love, dearest, love. True, unbending, never-changing love. Evergreen love, soft, tender, swift and sweet. Taunting, teasing, full-fledged passionate love. I promise and swear with every part of my heart, body and soul. What ever it be I can give, let me give it and more. Let me see into your heart, and unravel mine. Lets take another leap, and tie together what is left to be tied. If someone as dispeared as me can be saved, impossible should be stricken from meaning. Allow me to once more be in your life, the joys and sorrows and everything of life. All I truly ask of you, is to love me and let me love you.
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If I Fade Away
.....Would anyone notice?
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