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hm yep february
did you ever feel alone.. for stupid reasons? we all do. i just happen to feel this way all the time. i feel jealous, angry, alone and scared. so many feelings and emotions. when i try to speak, the words come out wrong and hurt people's feelings. some people don't get me, and some.. get me too well. not that the later is a bad thing. if i honestly told my feelings to people, they would get upset. with some people, there wouldbe no point because they're listening with deaf ears. other people are far too burdened to listen to my petty problems that i bring upon myself. i just don't understand sometimes. i want to run away, but cna't. nothing would come out of running away.. i would lose everything, and yet i want to. i don't want these responsibilities or these expectations. i want people to expect less of me so that they'll leave me alone. it's not like i'm perfect. i have my weaknesses. i'm not the smartest, the fastest, the witiest. i say wrong things at the right time. i never say the right thing at the right moment. i can't seem to make people feel better or touch their hearts. i'm worthless, even as an ear. i hate being me, i hate thinking about the things i have to do, and if i don't think about them then i'll fall farther behind. i don't know what i'm doing, why i'm doing them, what the point is. go to college. that's a nice road-map isn't it. i do things last minute and it comes out like crap. i try to find time to do everything, but i never seem to catch up anyways. i don't want to be forgiven, but i am anyways. i don't want mercy for all the people i hurt, the pain i cause, especially the person i care about the most. that person, i probably hurt more than any other. even knowing what hurts her, i can't seem to stop doing it. i hate that most of all. she doesn't care, but that's not good enough. i love her, and i want her to be happy. it would be even harder being away from her. i could never push her away, but a part of me wants her away from the ugly things in my heart. i don't think weakness is evil. thinking dark thoughts upon other people, hurting yourself, taking your own life.. that's wekaness.
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