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Is it normal?
Is it normal to always feel hated? To always feel unloved? To always feel like the bad guy? I don't know why I feel like this all the time. Its because of my family, they hate me and I didn't even do anything to them. Feeling like this makes me fell all emo, and I hate it. They make fun of me because I feel like this, or when I cry or do something that isn't perfect. They know I'm not perfect, or at least they should. They aren't perfect, and I don't make fun of them for it. I love them, I think I love them too much sometimes. Over Christmas I wanted to show them how much I loved them, so I went out and bought them all expensive gifts and put myself in the hole nearly $200, but I'm not going to tell them that because they'd ridicule me some more for it. Just getting this out, even some place where no one is going to read it, helps. I'm feeling a little better now. I guess deep down they love me, but I think I'd feel better more often if they showed it just a little more. It hurts always feeling like this. Feeling like I can't tell them how I feel because I don't my feeling hurt further. I feel like I'm always hiding behind a mask, and no one knows what's really underneath. I feel like a phony, always pretending to be happy, for their sake, so I don't distress them. I think the only person who actually semi got it was my older sister, she thought I should be put on anti depressants, but I turned it down because they'd just make fun of me more for it. [Here I go again, crying some more, soaking my keyboard. Can't I just stop typing and lie down or something?] I'm sorry for this, I just wanted to get it out, and my gaian journal seemed like the best place for it because no one ever looks at this. I think I've stated everything that I wanted to. I'm all tear stained again, but I think I'll get over it. My brother just apologized for getting into a fight with me (our fight is what stared this whole emo trip because he was making fun of me, and so was my younger sister and my mom). I think I'll go and tell him its all right, what harm can one more lie cause when I've already filled my world with them.
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