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Would you help me... if i wanted to die? |
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...uh..FYI i don't want to die...i couldn't think of a title and it is a line from a song i am listening to (Fallen Horses by Smashmouth) But i thought it was kinda fitting since thats what i have been thinking about today (death)
I got a lot of sleep lastnight (comparitavly to how much i have been having) and then i drank a Rockstar during first period....and for the first time in a while...the fog on my mind was lifted, the veil that makes most of my life seem like nothing more than a dream. And i started thinking about stuff around lunch time.
At first...i was thinking about bubbles again. And i sat down and watched people run about and do their things....and i looked up and wached mchelle and kenny for a minute...then i started thinking...Invisa-bubble. I'm in an invisa-bubble and no one sees me here. Not even Mr. Invisable himself. Michelle talked to me for a second or two i think twice and that was about it....so i was left alone with my thoughts.
If i were to die at that very moment...become a ghost to reflect on what i had done in my life...what would i regret not doing? And i just started thinking of all these things. First off i was thinking about how i would regret not having a lover... how i would regret not having had those experiences...being kissed, held, loved...made to feel like i was a girl, that i was important, that i was somenoe's world. Then i thought...there has to be more to it than just that... Then i realised...i would regret how distant i am from my dad...and not getting to go many places and do things with my family...i would regret not being around my little cousins more often as they grow up. There are a lot of things i still want to learn, things i still want to try, things i want to see, to feel, to do. I haven't even had a taste of life before.
Then we had to go outside because the fire alarm went off.
It was raining and that just made me think even more.
Then when we could go back inside....i stood and watched Michelle, Kenny, and a few others walk inside...and i was just amazed because everything was clear. Was real. i was alive, in the rain...watching people i know walk into the building ahead. And then i started to think about people. We are all the same. We all start out the same, we are born with basic desires for food and to survive. As we grow, we develope differences, ,in tastes, in thoughts, in friends, in personality. And if we were all to be stripped of everything but out minds....well, our personalities and out thoughts would be the only thing to seperate us all from eachother.
...then i started to wonder what a life is worth. If it has a value. How could you place a dollar amount on a life when everyone is all so...individual and different from all others? ...but does that make some worth more than others?How do you measure that worth?
Do you measure value by the imprint you leave on the world? or the imprints you leave on others? Do you count you're life goals accomplished? The amount of money you have when you die?
...what if you measured the life of a human in tears? How many people would cry when you are gone, how many would still miss you and still cry after the fact? ...How many people loved you, would have given their life for you....Knowing that if i died, that my family would mourn me, that my friends would cry for who knows how long....knowing someone would bring flowers to my grave for years and years...makes me feel valued.
I felt restless so i just wandered around the courtyard place outside in the rain for a while mulling over thoughts.
>.< Then Michelle and Kenny came out and were like WTF are you doing in the rain?
So i went inside with them....and when the bell rang...i just wanted to go. I started walking off but then i kinda fought with myself. I kinda hovered and waited for him and michelle to come my way so i could say bye....because this was the last time i will see him untill next monday...its thanksgiving break. And if i died, or he died, i would hate not having said bye. So...i dunno. Maybe i just gained a new insight on life.
Once again...life is so odd. Sometimes i like having moments of clarity, and other times i would rather stay in the fog.
 HatsuharuRocks · Thu Nov 23, 2006 @ 04:19am · 1 Comments |
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