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01. Robert, are you okay?

I guess this would technically be my first day of ‘freedom’. It doesn’t seem all that exciting. I can’t seem to stop thinking about Robert all of the time. He was my little brother, and I feel like I abandoned him or something. Does that make me a horrible person to have done that? I know I had to get out of there, and I still feel really bad about all of it. But still, they could have let me stay in the first place and then we wouldn’t have had to come to this point. I guess it’s pointless to complain, but I can’t seem to stop thinking. My only escape for peace of mind is television, sleep or being around Wendy or Niota. Plus every time the phone rings I wonder if I have to listen to dad bash me or something across the phone. I hope that everything turns out okay, and that eventually I’ll get everything that I left behind. Right now I think I have about 5 shirts and two pants. The rest of it is in some boxes and stuff. However I did get my books… I still feel really bad about it, but I mean they didn’t care about moving me from where I belonged or anything. Most likely I could go on about it forever, which I will so that maybe everyone around me won’t get stuck hearing about it all the time. Although I do enjoy listening to myself type at the computer. For some reason it’s just a soothing sound I guess. Maybe I’ve been around computers too long?

Also, I wonder about what happened at school and what people will say, but for the most part I’m okay about it for now. I still feel queasy any time I think about mom and dad even though I’m pretty sure that they’re not going to be able to do anything. Right now there isn’t too much to do because the girls hog the game cube all the time, but when ever I play video games or even think about them I remember Robert and I feel so horrible and sad. When will the pain stop?

I’m grateful for everything that they’ve done, and I know that they’ll never feel the same way about me ever again, but in a way I guess it was just a matter of time. But I really wished that they could be there for my concerts or for my graduation and stuff like that. I know it sounds stupid, but they’re still my parents no matter what I do. Plus I can’t find any of my old dairies… I know I had them with me. Hopefully they’re either in my suitcase or the box… I wrote some things in there that if Dad read them he’d be pissed at me-I know that much for sure! I know that eventually Robert is going to be okay, and I’m really proud of him, I still can’t shake the feeling like he’s disappointed in me, and I want to make it up to him somehow. I know it’s tough having your brothers and sisters leave on you like that. Hopefully Dad won’t be an a**… I mean he is already, but that doesn’t mean he has to go ballistic or anything like that. Plus I’ve been waiting forever to get to Niota’s but I guess that isn’t a really big deal. Besides that it still doesn’t feel real yet… It feels like I can just drive over to Wayne’s and they’ll be waiting there. I didn’t realize that I would miss that little … I wouldn’t miss Robert this much. It even hurts to hear people call him names, even myself! Please God, please make mom and dad let me visit him!

I guess I should call Niota and ask about today. Honestly I’m not even sure if I’m staying the night there or anything, I just asked if I could come over and I’ll probably wait until we have dinner so I can spend a little more time with Wendy today. It’s late and stuff right now and it would seem kind of pointless to go over there to hang out or what ever… I don’t know, sometimes Gloria can be a b***h like that.

Besides everything else, I’m really, really sore from lugging that suitcase across the house. That has to be one of the craziest and scariest things I’ve ever done. I really should have done that while everyone was sleeping or on Saturday, but then dad would have found out… Then I would have been stuck there… I just wish I didn’t have to break mom’s heart and leave Robert behind, you know? But at least Gary is there and maybe he’ll actually believe what I and Wendy say about them being crazy and stuff like that. I’ve never really rebelled against mom and dad like that, and in some way I had hoped that I would have been different too, and maybe I wouldn’t have to leave like that. But no, they had to be selfish bastards and take away everything that I ever knew. I’m probably just rambling now, plus I’m really tired even though I just had about 10 hours of sleep, but I think somewhere my body still feels like it’s on Central Time instead of Arizona Time / sometimes Mountain Time.

Robert, are you okay? Are they treating you well? Are you happy? Will you ever forgive me? I only wish I could have done more for you…

“Take me with you!”
“How long will it be before I see you again?”
“Why are you leaving me?”

I love you Robert, please be strong in my absence.