Anyway, what's up? Well, I've been talking a lot to the guy who I was madly crushing on last year. So much that we actually enjoy talking to eachother and he's told me he loved me (in a "you're so dumb, it's cute" way) god knows how many times. It's funny, but I don't really care anymore, even before he started talking to me again... I do take pleasure in laughing at what I would have done if he said those magic words last year.
Life revolves around so many 'what ifs' that sometimes laughing at oneself is the best thing you can do.
So yeah, I'm definately over him. It sucks that with my experience this summer, I still can't seem to get a boyfriend. Confidence has always kept me back in the past but now I feel so confident that I can actually be at ease around guys who make my heart flutter.
Unfortunately it makes me feel like a flirtateous whore. There are a couple guys who I know sorta like me and a couple that I'm kinda interested in and a pervert who wants to rape me, but that's another story. I've always been head-over-heals for one guy and he's always been out of my league. I obsess for a few years and then move on to someone else. But geez, nothing can be that simple, can it? I've had jittery feelings for a different guy every other week and nothing seems to be getting easier.
Oh well, that's life.
Speaking of... life sucks. Like, majorly. Too much drama, ingnorance, stupidity, and s**t... it really doesn't seem worth all the trouble. Yet, here I am, with every second of my time claimed by some person or activity.
Quote:
My day, in a nutshell:
-Up at 6:30-7am
-At school by 7:15am
-Clarinet lessons until 7:45
(The above only happens when I get to school on time for lessons)
-School
---Band
---Chorus
---Gym or study hall with muh Mikey and Chelle
---Ap Calc
---lunch with Mike, Chris, Mat, and Chelle... and who ever else decides to join us.
---Japanese III with the dorks
---Ap English
---Ap History
---Physics II (indie study)... with Shane... hella good times.
-School's out at 3:15ish
-Then jazz, xc, work, or tutoring... depending on the day.
-Earliest I get home from any of those is 5pm
-Feed my family... then work sometimes and homework always.
-Shower and bed usually by 1am ish.
-Up at 6:30-7am
-At school by 7:15am
-Clarinet lessons until 7:45
(The above only happens when I get to school on time for lessons)
-School
---Band
---Chorus
---Gym or study hall with muh Mikey and Chelle
---Ap Calc
---lunch with Mike, Chris, Mat, and Chelle... and who ever else decides to join us.
---Japanese III with the dorks
---Ap English
---Ap History
---Physics II (indie study)... with Shane... hella good times.
-School's out at 3:15ish
-Then jazz, xc, work, or tutoring... depending on the day.
-Earliest I get home from any of those is 5pm
-Feed my family... then work sometimes and homework always.
-Shower and bed usually by 1am ish.
I've calculated (during study hall last Friday) that I do approximately 5.21 hours of homework every night... which does not include the time that I devote to practicing my instruments... though, besides designated lesson periods and that extra bit of time in the morning, I really don't have any other time to practice. Thus, I'm totally sucking right now.
The only reason I have time to sit here on my computer is because cross country districts are tomorrow so I don't have to do homework right now... though I'll regret it later.
I feel so guilty whenever I'm not devoting all of my free time to work of some sort, but hell, I feel even worse when I don't take some time for myself. The only time I really enjoy myself is gym and lunch... and occasionally j pd study hall when I decide that my brain is tired of working.
But yeah, guiltiness means that every night when I force myself to sign on aim for a couple hours, I have a text book in my lap and a word document open so that I can type up crazy-assed English assignments.
Speaking of which, my english teacher is a psycho... I talk to Kylene, Jamie, and Pam all the time about our papers (which we seem to have two a week) and we all help eachother out. So when one of us does it wrong, we all do. It's great, because otherwise, I know I wouldn't be able to survive that class.
Damn, I'm barely surviving highschool. My course load is too much, I admit it, but hell, I know I can do it if I try a little harder... my grades are nothing to brag about. And for some odd reason, people still feel that they need to compair themselves to me. It really ticks me off! Honestly, my grades are falling below average and I have people looking over my sholder constantly, prying into my business.
... and that's what I get for being thought of as the "smart kid" for so long. Even after I lose the title, it's still my identity. Why can't people see me as a normal person? I guess it's my own fault.
I've slipped into a similar state I was in last year, though it's not as obvious as it was then. Too much stress, too much hate... I can't stand it, so I fix it the only way I know how. I've even lost my ability to control my emotions and hide what's been eating at my insides... I guess it was never a good idea to begin with (hiding my feelings and pretending life was all hunkie-dorie) but hell, everyone around me loved me and was happy... though, if they weren't happy, I couldn't handle it and I'd break down privately or to a phone-friend whom I can't wait to start conversations back up with though I know neither of us will ever have time. (And yes, dear, I know you always have time for me, but let's not kid ourselves here. School needs to come first or else I'll end up like 'Chelle.)
This year, though, I have people who love me and care. I owe my life to Bridget, my occasional happiness to Mr. Good, and my sanity to Chris. Without them, I'd lose these things, and the meaning of life.
Damn I love my friends... they're always there for me, even after I've been away for so long. They're always wiling to hang out even though we never really do anything but bum around playing video games and blairing music. It really brightens my mood, being able to hang out with them.
Wow, optimism... I didn't know I was still capable of optimism.... x____X;;;
Haha, Rachel is my cynical companion. Whenever I'm feeling particularly edgey, she's the perfect one to reflect my feelings and let me know that I am not a horrible person for seeing the evil in others, but a practical person... and it's definately refreshing... if I didn't talk to her as often as I do, I'd have seriously not been able to contain myself and randomly attack a few people I know... well, random to them but I have reasons...
I'm currently jamming to: AFI- Decemberunderground.
Best money I've spent in a while. That and the new Evanescence cd = love.
Yeah, I seek refuge in my music... Chris has mentioned that he always listens to music when he's feeling particularly dreadful... and I've adopted it to save my sanity. It feels soooo good.
So, now, with that said... I think I'm going to go to my bedroom and drowning out melancholy with music. Mmmm drowning...
emo
