Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Since saterday night my mom has been in the hospital. I was with my grandma in chicago and had no way of coming home so I missed school on monday. I am home today and its 4:40am and I have finals in the morningin 2 hours this will be my 3rd day of no sleep once again... I can leagally kill some one and clam sleep depervation. But with the way things are going I dont really want to talk about killing and death. I wish I had never talked back or yelled or cursed at my mom. I wish i had behaved better. And I hope that I will control those things when she gets back. She had her best friend drive me and my younger sister(14) out her a 3 hour drive for her just to watch 2 older children. I know that is all my fault for the way I have been acting.. I have had nothing but thoughts of killing myself latly. I dont know how to make them go away, even when I'm talking and laughing with my friends I'm thinking not only in the back of my head but almost out loud, i'm thinking, why cant I just die? why cant i just be dead?How can I make myself just dead forever gone forever not here forever is a long time, but thats ok because the time I've been on this earth has been to long...I dont want to be here any more. I had a thought and a plane on when and what I was going to do.. but it didnt work crying but then before I could get ne more self absorbed, my moms "sweetie" had called my grandma and told her that my mom was going to the emergency room. the docters where shocked on how bad her face had swolen in the 10 minutes she had been there it went from pain as she said to the docter pain at level5 to pain at level 9 right along there 1 # away from childbirth. Well I wasnt to scared yet because my mom has tooth and sinuce problems and I figured thats what its from. Well her 2 doctures where fighting over what one it was when my grandma gave them and new thing to test her for, see I think she said it was her oldest brother or something like that had died from poison from his tooth that leaked up to his brain and if he had came in and got his teath fixed he could have been fine. Well my moms tooth has been hurting her for well over a year. And my grandma wont tell me much else... not how long he had the tooth problem, not why my mom was always crying when we talked to her on the phone, who we cant go and see her. I am very scared and I love my mommy. Thats right you hurd me little miss dont take crap from no one I love my mommy, shes alll I have and I love her dearly, I am so very sorry for all the times I've told her I hated her I am so very sorry for all the times I yelled, screamed, and cursed at her. And most of all I am sorry for all the pain I have caused her, the most wounderful woman alive.

entry pic.