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I lost my pet yesturday morning.
Bebe "squeaker" has been...had been ill for 2 weeks and,...this morning at 6 she was having problems walking. It was like she had a stroke. The vet told me it was a lot worse than it seemed. Her blood cell down was virtually non-existant, severely dehydrated and she had two masses in her. Her liver seized up and she was suffering from Septis. God, I can't believe I didn't see the pain she was in! Jamie and her fiance, came with me and my dad to the vet hospital and had her admitted to find out what was wrong with her. I just wanted her to get better....to heal. Not for her to leave me forever. I've ..o god...I miss her so much. Knowing she's not home to greet me is too unbearable. I held her for 2 hours before the vet finally saw her and took her pain away. I keep getting these heartbreaking glimpses of memories of when I got her, of when she was healthy, when I was playing with her, holding her in my lap, carrying her with me to my room at bedtime. She would sleep on me as I slept...kind of like she was protecting me as I dreamed...I can't stop my tears. They flood my vision like my memories flood my mind. I just wish I could go back and love her just a little more everyday I've had her. I wish I could cry out in my pain, just once to let it out but it'll have to wait until I can get home and cry into my pillow. just shut it out mandy....remember the good times mandy....don't cry, it'll just hurt more....let her go, the pain will disappear over time...

I remember telling her that Momma was with her, I wouldn't let anything happen to her...I'd...I'd take care of her, that I loved her with all my heart and if she had to...if she had to go, I'd understand. God, I hurt so bad. I could easily shut out the light and hide forever. I know some people don't get as attached to animals but she was a part of me, my soul. I feel like I've been evicerated and left behind to bleed out. I am not as complete as I once was. I want my baby back. I want to undo today and never return. She was my baby since I can't have any of my own. why take her from me? so I feel pain...desolation?! She was one of the bright stars in my life...my reason for smiling everyday. Why?! I don't get how it would do me any good, teach me any lesson by taking my baby from me. Fates, why are u so cruel to me?

I can feel her...her soft fur, so black it was blue in the light. her yellow-green eyes.....the way her paw would grab at my fingertips when I caressed her little digits.

I'm driving myself crazy with grief.