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Why can't I tell anyone anything? I want to so badly, my mind screams for someone to hear my thoughts, but my voice says nothing. Last night when I was searching for my How to Draw Manga books, I noticed that soe of my things were in wierd places. I found 2 of my glass angels that I keep on a shelf on my entertainment center, in picture container underneath the black shelves across the room. I just went through my pictures about 2 weeks ago and I remember putting them away. My shelves sit on top of the container so I have to lift up the shelves and move them just to get the container out, I wouldn't have put anything in there with out remembering. This morning I was sleeping on both pairs of my handcuffs. I didn't really think anything of it at the time, but now that I'm a little more awake...when did I take out those handcuffs? I'm sure I put them away in my backpack which was sitting next to my school backpack, come to think of it, I don't remember seeing it there this morning, and that kind of worries me. I've been thinking so much lately I have a headache. I feel like someone is messing with me. What if my mom saw my..."toys" when she came in to get Logan's matress? What if I didn't hide them as good as I thought? What if she's trying to hint to me that she knows? But then again, that's not something she would do. Maybe Tara put the angels there? Was she planning on stealing them but forgot about them? The black shelves are right next to where she slept. I'm not sure, but I hope that maybe I just overlooked my green backpack. By all means, that can't be found by anyone. I'm scared to death to go home, but at the same time I know I need to check. I've also been thinking about why I keep having such strong cravings for certain foods and then by the time I get it, I don't want it anymore. Psychology often makes me think about stuff like that, and some of the things I've heard my mom saying to her friends over the phone lead me to thinking a lot too. When I have cravings for like....cereal. All I know is that I really want some cereal. So I go up to the kitchen and get out the bowl and milk and box of cereal, but just as I'm about to pour the cereal, maybe I relize that the cereal isn't what I really want. There's something else that I want, I want it really bad. I just want my Dad to be alive again. Even if it's just for a while, even if I can just get to have a good relationship with him for just a little longer. But that's something I know I can't have, so I redirect my desire to something obtainable; food. However, no matter how hard I try to pretend that food is what I really want, I quickly relize, it's not and no matter how much I eat, it won't give me what I'm really looking for. Which also explains the slight feelings of depression I get afterwords, because I may not realize at the time that I'm thinking about how my dad will never come back, but that I don't know what I want, and if I don't know what I want, how am I suposed to make myself happy? I can't. Even if I can, it's only for a while and then I'm depressed again. Just as I was saying, I still feel lost, and although I want help, want someone to hear me, I just can't bring myself to ask someone to listen.
 HanaJaganshi · Mon Sep 25, 2006 @ 06:16pm · 0 Comments |
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