So I was cleaning under my bed, and I found a lot of stuff that I thought I lost or forgot I had. I found so many loose notes that turned out to be long lost poems that were written in my psycho days. I found an old photo album that the twins got me for Christmas 2005 with all the pictures from 7th and 8th grade in it. I looked so fake back then. Not fake as in a poser (well at least in the pics. Im pretty sure I looked like that in person) but fake as in not happy. My smiles were pretty, but so obviously fake it's scary. I had one in there where I was on one knee to a friend with her ring in my hand and I made it look like I was proposing. My smile was so fake it was beautiful. I found old tabs of long lost songs I composed on the guitar and piano (they were all crappy though) and I found pictures. Pictures of forgotten faces from Elementary and Intermediate.
It's funny how you look back at those things and you feel exactly what you felt that day. Looking down at those old banquet pictures in 8th grade made me re-feel being forced to be happy by my friends just so they'd be happy. When I saw the 7th grade picture of me and my old friend Elaine, it made me remember how empty I felt and how much I wanted to fit in. I changed so much since then. I was the biggest loser and poser back then. Eww, I'm starting to scare myself. Haha then I saw a picture of me hanging out with Ross, Jacob, and Ryan Sejalbo, the breakers. Seeing that made me realize that after he broke up with me, I tried being so many different things just so I could run away from myself and not be Lina-Chan or Woof, who AJ once loved. I wanted to be someone else for the first time. Funny, right?
Hah. I'm going to clean under my bed once every year so I can put all the year's memories into a shoe box, just like my 8th grade year and soon-to-be 9th grade year. So far I have 12 letters and notes from Dwayne, Jana, and notes I've written myself.
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Rain.
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My life is a lesson in losses.
I learn one at a time.
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heart My life is a lesson in losses.
I learn one at a time.