Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Tears of Remembrance......

Life is so confusing...... nothing ever seems to go the right way, I see myself from another perspective, and I want to change what I do, but yet I can't. I yell, I scream, but I don't want to be that way, I just want to explain, but yet, they never let me. Sometimes I wonder, why talk, if I won't be heard? I've confessed many things to the world, just through this journal. I think this will be my deepest confession yet. Don't take me as one of those angsty teens, the ones who say their life is thw worst, but I don't say that, I just say mine sucks. Life is a b***h, get over it. I say things I don't mean, I act ways I shouldn't, I'm a person on the inside, but I'm a monster in a child's clothing. I want to do things, I want to change the way I act, I don't have the breathing room, I have no way to relax. I cry for the pettiest things right? I know, but this is me, and I'm trying to change, they just don't give me the breathing room to. When I go to Japan..... that is when I'll finally get the breathing room I so rightly deserve. I was always the child without, the child that was quiet, the child who had the most on his mind. I liked it that way, they liked it that way. Then they had to bring me to reality, tell me the truth that I go without, tell me the truth that I should speak up, they're the ones who wanted it, and now that they got it, they don't want it. I liked my 3 years of dormancy, left alone in my own thoughts, those were the best times of my life. I never did anything wrong, it's like I wasn't even the inhabitant of my body, but some perfect child did, and I was just there to watch. I always liked those times, I never did anything wrong, I never hurt someones feelings, always on my best behavior, but in reality, it was always a lie. During those years though, my depression manifested the most, while I sat in dormancy, watching the world. No one understood me, or cared about my accomplishments. I always got straight A's, I was always the top of my class, but then came the truth, and all that was destroyed. I'm not sure if I'm the best person for this life, I don't know if I'm the best person for anyone's life. We've always been in debt, we've always had problems, but despite those facts, I've manged to get along. I just wonder sometimes..... how would I be, if I was never pulled out from my mind, never shown the truth, and just oblivious to my life. would I still want to go to Japan, would I still like anime, would I still be a loner? How different would I be, if the real me never came out?