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It's a hell of a thing, your body. It can be so tough, so resilient, yet so fragile if you're not careful. Time after time, I'm hit with more things that make me think I do, in fact, have Lyme Disease. My body has become so delicate. My body, for real, needs a sterile room to recover. This s**t happened during thanksgiving and is repeating now. My brother came over, he does his e-cig thing and smokes pot around me. I got sick right after he left on thanksgiving. It hit hard and I still wasn't fully recovered from it by Christmas. It was getting a lot better but not back to normal yet. Now, he was here a few days and leaves today, not even 12 hours later and I, for real, am getting sick. I feel awful. It feels like the start of a cold, like the start of the last one. I feel like absolute hell, and it hasn't even fully begun! I'm doing everything I can to lessen it's affect or stop it but I feel like it's like slowing down a train. It shows me how weak my immune system is, how compromised it is. My God, I don't wanna be sick again. This s**t is hell! It always starts and ends with my lungs, and the coughing always sets off the Occipital Neuralgia in my neck so bad! I know it's just because I've felt pretty bad the past few days because it's that on top of a wisdom tooth trying to come through, but I'm wondering if it's impacted. My top tooth hits the top of the inflammation though, so I can't eat without pain right now. I'm so sick of this though, so tired of being sick, of pain and allergies... So tired of extreme fatigue. I've felt sick for over 2 years, I don't need a reminder or to feel worse. I'm getting so dizzy and my heart is starting to feel weird again. I just want to feel normal again, to have a normal day.

I find myself getting angry when something happens to me or someone I know. I don't like it but Idk how to fix it. Someone I know, recently, had a second miscarriage in a row. Why? She's torn to pieces, I just feel so bad for her. I don't understand it. Why couldn't the baby have lived? Once upon a time, I'd come across someone that would question God or why stuff happened. I didn't know an answer I just, optimistically said with hope, everything happens for a reason. Now, I find myself on the other side of that, questioning what possible reason all this could have had for happening. I'm not convincing myself, I'm just angry and distant from God. I know it may sound bad but, honestly, I find myself questioning the very foundation of my faith. I stand on my faith but it's cracked, honestly. I would have frowned upon this thinking before but I really don't understand. He's an almighty God, sees everything, can do anything, is for me and not against me, yet He lets all this happen? It's been a hell storm since I was a kid. It just feels twisted, warped. It's always so much at once and it just keeps bigger. I really wish I understood, I want so badly to understand. Until then, I just feel betrayed.

I'm also starting to feel kind of alone. I know I'm not but I feel that way. Mom's off her meds and has been semi-bedridden, plus, I just feel like I worry her if I talk really blunt and real with her. My best friend is so busy. My other best friend died, so I can't talk to her. My brother doesn't handle serious things well. I'm not really close to the rest of my family and I'm not close anyone else that isn't busy. I feel like a 1 woman circus. I kinda want to get back into writing, redirect my emotions into something positive but Idk if I have the energy for that. I have so much I have to do anyways and trying to run the SeneGence business. It's not doing great.

I still fear people/animals are going to die. If my mom isn't snoring or if she's been sleep for a while, I get hit with a wave of fear that she died. The other day my mom woke me up and told me to come here. I could have sworn her dog died, by he tone of voice. Her dog has been having a lot of coughing problems lately. Could be a lot of things, collapsed trachea, heart worms, congestive heart failure... The list goes on. Sometimes my dog just goes into a deep sleep, normally she's a light sleeper. I literally lifted her head and was talking to her asking if she had to go potty. Her head was limp. She finally woke up and went out but I was sure she was dead or dying. I hate feeling that way and constantly scared, but I do.

I hate sounding all depressing and all but this is how I feel, it's what I've been thinking about. I know everything is going to get better but it's just sucking until it does.