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January 5th, 2018

I thought I was reaching a turning point in my life but I seem to have made a giant leap backward instead.

Lately I've been severely depressed. Not for any particular reason (I learned long ago that there doesn't necessarily need to be one) I just don't feel like myself, let alone a person. In truth, I feel like there are parts of me missing, the parts that allowed me to function at least slightly. Furthermore I'm so tired all the time I have no energy to do anything but move from my bed to my chair. I can barely summon the energy to get food. My savings are almost entirely depleted as well because I haven't been able to work since October which is adding stress. I put up a good front, I have to, but if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I'm drowning.

I feel like part of why I'm so unhappy is because of where I am. When I was a child, I imagined finishing school and moving to a big city where I'd be able to pursue my dreams. I'd have my own place, maybe a pet, and be beginning what would surely be a long and wonderful career. This past October I turned 23 and I have none of this. I'm living in my grandmother's basement taking care of her house and pets because she's too sick to, no money in my bank account because I'm too depressed to leave the house, working a job that pays slightly more than minimum wage that makes me want to rip my ears off, and no friends in the area because, unlike me, they've all moved on to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Granted, I'm not exactly in a position where I can think clearly enough to even begin formulating a plan. My grandmother is no help, even if she wasn't sick she's verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative, my mother doesn't know how to help me because I can't tell her what I need (not for lack of trying, I just don't know), and I can't talk to my father about it at all. He's been dealing with depression and anger issues for years without acknowledging that he even has them. He can't help me.

I can only hope that with my next appointment, my doctor will be able to prescribe me a medication that will actually work so I can start feeling slightly more normal. From there, I don't know but I'll figure it out when I get there I guess.