-heavy sigh- These thoughts on my mind are eating me alive and I can't focus on anything. This is simply a collection of mind vomit so I get it off my mind. I will reflect on this later when my mind is more coherent and try to resolve this on my own.
so. here we go.
First off I cant get rid of this draining and looming sadness. I feel oppressed and I feel like I'm drowning in my own mind. I'm suffocating on my low mood and I can't shake it. I've been trying to so hard because the sadder I am the more my friends avoid me. It really hurts that they avoid me too. I don't mean to be sad, I'm just.. Sick. I have to live with this crushing sadness. Since they changed well fare here I can't get my medication to make me feel happy anymore so I have no real choice but to suffocate. It is becoming harder and harder to breath and as the weather is getting nicer and im going out more often im getting those.. urges again...
I walked over the bridge for the first time alone in two years today. It was really scary for me to do that. I stopped and just stared down at the water. My mind kept screaming at me that I should just jump in and no one would notice. And.. I almost did. I'm really scared because I feel like I have nothing to ground me here..
I realized that I am honest to god falling for someone again. And, that in itself scares the life out of me. It's not that I am afraid to fall in love, I'm afraid of being played. I am afraid that the kindness im being shown is nothing but a sadistic ruse. I'm afraid its all a mind game and that nothing is serious. I hate being so paranoid about things but I can't help but be wary. So many people have tried to discourage my efforts and talk me down. I feel like people actually want me to run away from the person with my tail between my legs and.. The constant lingering and searing words they spoke to me are carved into my mind and have made me feel.. hopeless.. It's shattering me and I just want to give up. Not just on the person im chasing but on everything. They wouldn't care, would they?
I'm slowly losing the desire to do anything and everything i use to find great joy in as well. the more the days ware away the more i find the world around me is becoming a grey, washed out canvas that is nothing but bleak endless routines. I tested to see if anyone would notice if i was gone for an entire day and they all thought i was just in my room. so.. -sigh- No one here physically even notices that im not in the bloody house.
I have, recently, been haunted by flashbacks of my past. but none of the good memories, all the rotten ones. Its causing my insomnia too kick into overdrive cause i dont much care to sleep to simply be greeted by some negative memory of when i was but a child. That in itself could be a player in my shitty mood.
I think that's all the relentless onslaught of negative thoughts eating away at my brain tonight.
I am sincerely sorry for anyone who actually stumbles upon this.
until later,
-Lue
 Lucifer Knightroad · Thu Jun 08, 2017 @ 05:15am · 0 Comments |
