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I mentioned Aniki once some entries ago for the first time without any introduction or follow-up. It simply wasn't the time then. I'm going to write about him now, though, for two reasons: so that you may come to know who he is to me (and how that came to be); so that I won't forget him after the Fall 2016 term ends.

I don't know if I'll write about Aniki more after this entry, so I'm going to make this as thorough as I see fit. (Some sections may sound a little off because, as I so recently discovered, much to my dismay, the "Memo" app on my phone does not automatically save my progress. Some paragraphs were therefore rewritten at a different time than the time when their intentions were born... if that makes sense.) Hm... But I'll occasionally make reference to my relationship with Root Beer because it ties into why Aniki is to me as he is to me now.

Rewind a few months ago, my sister and I were making my schedule for university. I opted for four courses simply because I was scared of having five. My sister told me it was fine and she helped me pick out my courses for the Fall 2016 term. Organizing my schedule was soon done and over with.

A week before university started, there was orientation week, called O-Week. I started seeing old friends again, and I found out on the last day of O-Week (through an old friend) that I was in a math course that I shouldn't be in because I completed an equivalent course in high school. Two days before the first day of university classes, I had to change my carefully crafted (and woefully wrong) schedule. This whole ordeal, I might add, was very stressful and very, very painful. (I got scolded and, if you've not read my entries that address this, I can't handle being scolded.)

I ended up with three courses before the year started, one of which I need, another of which I have because the "easier" alternative didn't fit into my schedule, and one of which I picked out on my own. This last one is JPNS 205 - Beginner's Japanese I (keep this in mind for later reference). On the first day of classes, I added a philosophy course just for the sense of having four courses.

After being scolded for trusting my sister who attends a different university (How could I have known the systems were so different? How could she have known?), I had another issue: I didn't have sufficient ID.

I'll try to briefly explain my former situation. *ahem* I didn't yet have a learner's/driver's license. My passport had expired over summer. My provincial health card had a name other than my legal name because when I was born, my parents wanted to name me Leocritia (the name on my health card) and not Lucia. I needed two IDs to get my learner's license. I needed two IDs to renew my passport. On the bright side, I only had to apply to get my name updated on my health card. In the meantime, as I waited for the government to respond to my application, I couldn't really do anything.

And yes, not having proper ID was bothersome, but I was especially in a rush to get my life together for this reason: There's a thing called a unicard and it's more or less a mandatory little piece of plastic issued by the university to each full-time student that makes life a lot more convenient on and off campus. I needed two to three IDs to claim my card, depending on if I had government-issued photo ID. The fact of the matter was this: I needed ID to get ID.

So there was a girl (by the name of Lucia) who had an unorthodox and largely unsatisfactory university schedule getting yelled at for trusting her own sister for reasons she could not have been mindful of months prior who was struggling to renew her existence with the government, and all she wanted and wants to do is to be happy despite the Shadow being her faithful follower. She just wants to be happy.

And then, coupled with external situations, she realized she had trust issues. Okay, let's stop talking in third person. I'm currently working on my last entry in the journal series "Getting Over Someone I Loved" and in that entry, I tell the current No'C everything I need and want to tell him.

I just want to make clear now for this entry that I loved and trusted No'C, and when he abandoned me, I was utterly crushed. I thought that No'C really knew me and I believed that he really loved me, and so for him to have the audacity to replace me (or so it feels), it's as if I was ruled unlovable. That sense of inadequacy follows me even to this day.

For the sake of this entry, it must be said that I am currently (at the time this entry was written) in a relationship with Root Beer, someone who I deemed as my best friend. He grew up as I grew up, and perhaps a more hopeful version of me would say that we grew up together. As of the 21st of May, 2016, we started dating, but it's been, on my end, rather... hectic?

Perhaps if No'C and I ended on different terms, I would not have trust issues to the extent that I have them now, but there's no use in pondering hypothetical situations of the past simply because, in my reality at least, the past is the past and it cannot be changed. At best, it can be forgotten.

So, if you read my entry "Life Raft," you will know that my relationship with Root Beer had become long distance. I knew it would be hard, especially since Root Beer and I hadn't been together for that long, but I had a lot of hope going into this relationship. It's tragic and somehow seemingly illogical that I have hope while having trust issues. What makes it worse is that I am stalked by the Shadow.

The Shadow tells me that Root Beer is going to replace me as well, just as No'C did. For whatever Root Beer doesn't say, the Shadow says something in his place. So you see, if you're reading this, dearest Root Beer, your silences (unintentional or not) have inarguably adverse effects of my state of mental well-being. All I can do is tell myself that you have good reasons for being so distant and that any "apprehended neglect," as I have come to call it, is merely an extension, an intangible manifestation, of my Shadow.

Starting university with as messy a schedule as I started with was not a fun time. Having to deal with the immediate issue of obtaining valid IDs was not a fun time. September last year, I started having breakdowns, but at least I was still convinced then that I had No'C, whom I believed loved and cared for me despite my hardships and shortcomings. While my blind trust in No'C may have been unfounded, the thought that someone loved me like that was comforting.

When this school year started as it did, I was terribly disheartened. I had hoped that the new environment would renew my spirit, but I found that I was in even worse a state than I was a year ago. This year, I was depressed and I didn't have the idea of No'C's love.

Oh, but I had Root Beer, you might say. Just like today, I have Root Beer. But it doesn't always feel so. This is where Aniki comes in.

Before you label me as infidel, I want to explain to you the title.

Recall that I enrolled in JPNS 205 and it was the only course I chose because I personally wanted it. Nearly two months into school now, and I can confirm that I absolutely do not regret choosing to be in this course. I love it. Not sure if I ever wrote about my relationship with Physics class throughout high school, but JPNS 205 is like my new Physics class. I enjoy it, I don't feel the right to pursue it, but it is my safe haven every school day.

On the first day of Japanese class, there was this older fellow (I later found out he's four years older than I am). His face looked familiar to me somehow, but surely I didn't know him. He's our class' "Student Group Leader" and I think he's supposed to enrich our learning somehow. On this first day, I bet neither of us, him or me, knew that we would get to know each other.

In my Japanese class, I have three classmates who attended high school with me. We sit at the front everyday and have assumed the role of the "keeners" in the class. The Student Group Leader used to sit at the front facing the class and this is how he got to know me and my current friends.

My friends and I aren't the quietest bunch in class. I feel at times, we can be a little disruptive to the rest of the class, to be honest. I mean, I've somehow renewed my status as the "quiet" one, but I won't deny my association with my friends. We kind of fool around in class occasionally, but in Japanese, of course (That's what makes it worthwhile!). The Student Group Leader dubbed us "Goon Squad," a name that we now identify ourselves with.

It was really strange how the Student Group Leader only got closer to us. We recruited him to our Facebook group chat which has become our main method of communication. In the group chat, I started calling him "aniki," which means (to my understanding) big brother. He's since become the aniki of Goon Squad.

"Imouto" means little sister. At the time I dubbed Aniki as the big brother, I was the only girl in Goon Squad, so I became the "little sister." We're like a family. smile For the sake of completeness, "otouto" means little brother and the original Goon Squad has three people fulfilling the role of "otouto."

The syllable "no" in Japanese can be used to modify a noun. In the phrase "X no Y," Y is the main noun while X is the modifier. It can be used to indicate things such as possession. The title, "Imouto no aniki" means the big brother of the little sister, or "little sister's big brother." The relationship between Aniki and me, therefore, has been established as the relationship between siblings. It made him safe in the sense that I wouldn't fall for him

and I didn't and don't want to fall for him because I have Root Beer. Moreover, I know what it's like to be replaced and I don't want to force that upon anyone, especially not Root Beer.

I don't recall if I've uploaded it yet, but I wrote an entry about how it must be hard to love me. I'm a package deal after all--you can't have me without my depression. We're a two for one special, except without the merits of speciality.

Recently, in contrast with the first few months of Root Beer's and my relationship, my depression has been becoming more evident. The frequent breakdowns have returned, the temptation to give up on school has returned, my hands have recommenced aching, nightmares are back so I've been sleeping less and less--

and the other day, I seriously contemplated suicide just to escape, but there's already an entry on that. On Thursday, 29 September 2016, I confronted Root Beer about these mal-emotions because he said in the past that he'd be there for me and I trusted him.

A few background thoughts. So Root Beer talks about these instances where he... sways. Or rather, he tells me when he experiences his heart sway. To my understanding, this means someone else becomes interesting to him... in a special way, I suppose. It's fine if he finds someone interesting, but it hurts when he admits to being interested in someone while he has me. I sometimes dub these instances as "baby crushes," or --and this could be the Shadow speaking-- "infidel tendencies."

Over summer, it seemed to happen with two people in Root Beer's life, one more than the other. Since the start of university, I've heard too many names to keep track of, but the most prominent soul I hear of will henceforth be "Floormate." Oh, how hearing of her affects me.

Keep in mind that No'C left me because he also found someone else interesting. Is it my fault I have trust issues? Is it my fault that I fear Root Beer will leave me? Rhetorical questions, those are. Playing the victim allows one side of me to pity myself while the other side interprets that pity as self love.

*sighs* So I had issues with my family, my education, my status with the government, my ever deepening depression, my past, my supposed significant other... Am I forgetting anything?

One day, I snapped and I ranted about everything and all things to Big Sis (whom I don't write about often, but she has been mentioned before somewhere in my journal--in short, a really cherished friend) and she advised me to tell Root Beer about Aniki because at the time, Aniki was treating me suspiciously well. I won't lie. It was nice being petted and given cookies and being accompanied around campus. It was nice feeling like I mattered to someone simply because I existed. It was nice that someone who was pretty much a stranger treated me like I was more than a stranger, nice to be paid attention to.

Did I have special feelings? It depends on how you define special. Did I want to pursue Aniki? No. Did I want intimacy with Aniki? It never got to that point. I call him Aniki (big brother) for a reason. Did I want to cry to Aniki? Yes. Did I want Aniki to take care of me? Yes. Did I want Aniki to save me? No, but sometimes, I wish anyone would save me. I'm getting ahead of myself.

On September 29, as advised, I told Root Beer about Aniki. He told me he expected as much, that it was inevitable that both he and I would meet new people. To me, it sounded as if he thought our relationship was bound to end from the start. I... I don't date for giggles, and I wouldn't date if I knew things weren't going to last. I don't date for leisure, but I realized I didn't know what Root Beer thought anymore. I didn't (and don't) know what Root Beer expects out of a relationship.

What do I want out of a relationship? Happiness and security. I want the security that someone will love me forever and always, and happiness would ensue.

On September 29, I told Root Beet I was scared that my depression would kill our relationship. I told him about my struggles with depression, and it felt like he brushed it off. It was as if I, with my depression, was a bother, a nuisance. I, our relationship, was taxing. Who cares if I'm depressed? A lot of people are depressed. Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

On September 29th, on the fourth floor of the university library, I cried. I told my friend who was there at the time that I was ready to go because we had planned earlier to visit Aniki at his workplace, a bubble tea shop called Quickly. It was my second time going to that specific location. The first time was with Root Beer at the end of summer.

So on my way there, I told my friend what was on my mind. I had to pause several times to regain some composure and not have a breakdown in public. When I got to Quickly, I sat where Root Beer and I sat about a month prior, ordered something different, and cried. My friend got me paper towels from the washroom and they were rough against my eyes. (I now carry tissues around.) Eventually my friend left and Aniki went to talk to me.

The date was September 29 and I hardly knew Aniki. I didn't want to talk about Root Beer. I didn't want to cry in front of Aniki at the time. We weren't that close. In fact, I was scared of letting Aniki see my tears. I was scared to be vulnerable. I was scared. My heart didn't race when Aniki sat by me. How could I even care about Aniki? I wanted Root Beer to magically appear beside me and hug me and pet me and tell me he was sorry and that he'll stay and he won't disappear and that he won't replace me with her and that I'll be happy.

A week later, it was my birthday and I was turning into a legal adult in Canada. There goes my youth, aha. Root Beer was busy writing an essay that day. So was I, actually! I skipped a class to get it done. But that's beside the point.

After Japanese, I followed Aniki. First he went to the gym while I sat outside and did research for my essay. After, he went to the food court and introduced me to his friends. As they ate lunch, I started my essay. Next, Aniki had English class so I sat in it with him. I finished writing my essay and Aniki told me his story through a series of yellow sticky notes. It was cute, I thought. A good bonding experience. I still keep those yellow sticky notes for the memories.

He told me about his long distance relationship. She's in Japan. I found that Aniki and I had a lot in common in terms of how we think and respond to others. It was comforting and that's when I decided that I wanted Aniki as a trusted friend. He... understood my pain because he was going through the same thing. I didn't and still don't want to end up like Aniki's relationship. She gave up on him and he loved her. She neglected him and yet he believed in her. She disappeared and he was willing to wait for her return, but she's gone.

Anyhow, after that, I had to obtain a hardcopy of my essay so I skipped Math to write it out due to my lack of access to a printer. After, Aniki left to go to work and I went to submit my essay. I don't recall what happened immediately after this, but I eventually did go to visit Aniki at work for the second time. It was nice! He made me bubble tea and I did my Japanese homework and he helped me with my work because he's the Student Group Leader after all.

I started writing a letter to him. I thanked him for letting me spend my birthday in his company. I asked him not to disappear and let him know I appreciated his existence. It was to be the first and last letter from me to him before I decided to put some space between us. Why? I'll tell you just for giggles.

There's a girl just a few months older than Aniki who was rather fond of Aniki and Aniki wanted someone who could love him like she was showing potential to. I wished him luck with her, encouraged him to pursue her, assuring him that he may one day come to love her. She, meanwhile, was quite uncomfortable with how close I had gotten to Aniki and I didn't want her to feel like that, for I know how that feels.

Now, by the ways, Aniki is together with her. Goon Squad calls her onee-san, a typical title for an older sister. They seem to be going fine. She cries a lot apparently, and Aniki complains about staying up for hours to console her, but you can tell he wants her to be happy. It's all very cute to observe from a distance.

September 29th was unfortunate timing for me to tell Root Beer about my depression. In the past, when the Shadow attacked me, Root Beer used to say he'd always be there for me. The Shadow has become more relentless since then and Root Beer claimed on the 29th that he doesn't respond to me sometimes because he doesn't know how to console people. Meanwhile, that night, Aniki messaged me after reading my letter to him. He thanked me and said he had never been in the role of an aniki before, but he would try. He said he wouldn't disappear and assured me that he would always be there whenever I needed him. Who knows if it was a sweet lie? It hurt less than being told Root Beer believed he couldn't console me. It hurt less than believing Root Beer would rather leave me to the company of the Shadow than try to save me.

And the Shadow is so cruel. A merciless torturer.


Today's lyrics:
You're alone 'til you're not alone
And that's all you need to know
Every time you decide to stay
Then the world will make you go

Today's entry is a bit belated in terms of the upload date, but I... just wanted to publish this all eventually. Cheers, reader! yum_puddi