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[September 27, 2016]
Last night, or rather 16 or so hours ago, at about three in the morning, I had a breakdown in the shower. It wasn't my worst breakdown, but it wasn't over. I went to my room after putting on some clothes and then, as I thought to lay on my bed, I broke down again. After having barely recovered, I decided it was time to ruffle through my hair with a towel and maybe braid it together if I had the energy to. Unravelling my hair from the towel I wrapped it in, I started breaking down again.

And then I felt sick. Sick to my limbs and sick to my palms and sick to the soles of my feet and sick to my heart and my mind. I wanted desperately for there to be someone to talk to, but by then, it was nearly five in the morning and everyone I knew was either sleeping or waking up to get ready for their own daily lives. I realized that even if someone were awake, I might not have had the energy to swallow any word of consolation.

These past couple of days have been very rough for me, dear reader. There's a certain weight to my heart that suffocates me when it gets too silent. There's a cursed door that invites all the bad thoughts in when no one is with me to guard it. There's a sure way to fix it, and that's to ward off the loneliness, and in doing so distract the silence, but… such things are easier said than done, especially when depression is involved.

It's hard to admit that I suffer from depression. It's hard to admit that I need help, that I even deserve help. It's hard to accept the fact that I will keep on having breakdowns in the foreseeable future. It's hard to admit that I'm not as cheery as I make myself out to be in person, hard to admit I'm wearing a mask to not scare others away. It's easier, however, to admit that depression is killing me than to perpetually fake an immunity against the Shadow, so call me a wimp for taking the easier route.

It really hurts to break down, dear reader. Sometimes I think I'll pass out from my hyperventilations and sometimes, like last night, my throat feels so dry that I need to fight the urge to vomit. I'm sure vomiting would have added to my pain, not like I would have noticed much anyway due to my dulled physical sensitivity.

On a related note, the scratches on my left hand are healing well. They've evolved into scars that draw out a smiley face if I use enough imagination. If only such an emotion could be expressed anywhere else in my current life.

I have often said, either in this journal or another, that I am flattered by the concern of others. The idea that another soul actually cares for me is something I find much warmth in. There's a level of comfort in knowing someone will miss you when you're dead and gone. I recently realized, however, that my perspective on the concern of others goes beyond flattery.

I find that I am pained by the apathetic dismissal of my struggles. It must usually only be an apprehension of neglect, but that's all the shadow needs.

[October 3, 2016]
As you will find out in a later uploaded entry, I woke up grey two days after writing the above entry. A day after that, I woke up to an opportunity of retaliation, a desperate invitation to an immoral distraction who will henceforth be referred to as Aniki, if I choose to write about this case later.

To clarify, however, I do recognize that Aniki is only a distraction, and a tempting one at that. I am certain that I can identify the difference between a temporary joy and a lasting satisfaction. Whether I have the willpower to choose the latter option given my instability, well… only time will tell, it seems. I'll update you all soon.



The song to today's lyrics has been used before, but I've grown a new respect for the song after going through the lyrics a few times. Here's today's excerpt:

And we keep on paying those freaks on the TV,
Who claim they will save us but want to enslave us.
And sweating like demons they scream through our speakers
But we leave the sound on 'cause silence is harder.

I'm currently working on the other entry, dated on the 29th of September, 2016. The reason that these entries experience delayed publishing is that they start on my handheld device (my iPod or phone) before being transferred to my laptop to be reformatted and then uploaded to Gaia! So yeah, if you were curious, that's how the process goes for probably majority of my entries. Anyhow, off I go! And reader? Live long and prosper. yum_puddi