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I recently got into a television series called Hannibal. I think the last time I wanted to watch TV was when I still went to my grandparents' house after school when I was in elementary. I'm now a first year university student. It's been a few years since I've followed any shows by myself.

Anyhow, in the show Hannibal, I'd often hear the word "postmortem." For example, the wounds inflicted on a body after death are said to be inflicted postmortem.

Post = after
Mortem = death

I don't recall what inspired me to write this entry. Hannibal gave me an idea for the title, but I don't remember much else. I'm not surprised.

The idea of death has been floating around my head for what feels like weeks but must have only been days. I cannot say for certain that I am not suicidal, but I can say for certain that I am alive as of this very moment. I am also quite sure that dead people struggle to interact with the world of the living. I have never shared a conversation with someone who had passed away. When I die, I doubt someone could share a conversation with me. (Feel free to talk to my corpse, though! My spirit will listen to you diligently, I promise!)

The purpose of this entry is so that someone who loves me beyond my passing has access to some more of my words. Casual talk, maybe. Some reassurances, maybe. I'm not entirely sure what I'll include yet. Pretend I'm talking to you from the afterlife!

And I'll pretend I'm dead, too, so the experience might be mutual.

Life is... was(?) full of ups and downs. I'd assume more ups than downs, but we all know I remember more downs than ups. Is that tragic? I think it helped me appreciate the good times, y'know? When life seemed so dismal, the little happy things shine brighter! And so don't pity me. Well, I mean, I'm dead now, so you have no reason to pity a deadman. Silly human, haha.

Hey, how close were we? Did you love me? Did you really love me? I wonder if I loved you, too. Depending on who you are, maybe I did! And maybe I still do beyond the grave (if that doesn't freak you out, dear)!

Slight change of questions. Let's venture into a hypothetical world where I'm still alive. How much do I know and how much do you want me to know? I can tell you right now that you have no idea what I know and what I think I know and what I'm forced to assume. There's one thing you can do in this world about me. You can let me know whatever you want me to know! But, reader, do it quick because a deadman is deaf! Quickly, now! Tell me before this hypothetical world is disproved.

Did you tell me anything yet? One of the reasons I am writing this entry is so that it might urge you to tell me what you need/want to tell me before it's too late. Don't you know the future is ambiguous? Some days, I wake up without the personal will to live. What holds me back, what keeps me alive, is the prospect of causing grief and mal-emotions to others. So, y'see, if one day, I wake up without both my will to live and the concern of others, that day may be my last.

And y'know what? While we're still in a world where I'm alive, yeah, I'll admit it. I don't particularly want to die. Today's a lucky day where I think tomorrow still exists for me. I'm… rather unnerved, though, because I can't say with any degree of certainty whether or not I will last tomorrow.

I might wake up and have nothing left to keep me down. I might not wake up again.

I've been rather unstable in the last few days. In fact, I'm reaching a point of depression that reminds me of the transitioning months between 2015 and 2016, except I can't even blame any of it on No'C. Not this time. It would have been easier to place the blame on him, but times are hard.

I occasionally get… visions? Daydreams? I occasionally imagine my daughter in the future. The scenarios range from life to postmortem. Sometimes I imagine my daughter wishing I lived longer. Sometimes I imagine my daughter begging me why I didn't take better care of myself. Sometimes I imagine my daughter being mad at me because I was going to take away her mother through a lifetime's worth of bad care.

And you know what? That does make me sad. I have a friend who said something similar. We were talking about one of my many bad habits, and my friend said, "Think about your children!" And of course, I don't have any children. Not yet. I need a mate to repopulate, hahaha, ahh… I do plan on having kids. I don't want my lineage to end here. It might, but I don't want it to. Is it selfish of me to want children? Is it selfish of me want a family?

Is it selfish of me to want to settle down already? …says someone who is already dead. I hope I had children before I died. It seems… It seems ghosts don't know much. This ghost, me, it seems I don't remember much.

Thank you to everyone who knows me or has known me once upon a time. I might not have ever known you, I might should have known you and forgot, or I might know you still. Chances are if I've met you at all, you've changed me. Chances are if I really thought I knew you, you affected me. You are part of the reason why I became who I became.

And you could be the reason why I am as I am currently. I'm still alive right now, fellow soul. You can come visit me if you'd like. You can go ahead and shoot me a message if you'd like. Hm, but, for a moment, pretend that I'm dead. Imagine how I died and why I died. Do you think you could have saved me? And now, going back to reality, do you think you can save me?

Because I beg of you to try.

There are things happening right now that are incredibly stressful. There are circumstances that trigger high levels of anxiety. Equally so, there are things that are not happening that threaten my well-being. There are actions not being taken, words not being said, thoughts and efforts not being spared. I am in trouble. I am not stable. I need help.

The lyric excerpt today:
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

For the record, I am actively open to help from fellow souls. If you have anything to spare, I'll be here until I'm not, aha. yum_puddi