|
Getting Over Someone I Loved 8/9: A Letter to My No'C
(I was going to delay this entry because of more pressing matters, but I figured there's no harm releasing my combined thoughts here. Sorry if this entry ends up being a little too long.)
This will likely be the second last entry for the series of "Getting Over Someone I Loved." I think it's only fitting to have nine entries in this series because No'C is my "nine o' clock." Some people think my affiliation with the number nine is rooted in my history with No'C, but that is... pretty false, haha. It really started with Number Nine (you'd have to read quite far back in this journal to discover who that human is). I simply like the number nine now, that's all. It seems to follow me like a loving pet.
This entry will be an open letter to my No'C, the No'C that died over a year ago now. I met him last on July 28, 2015. I think this will be a liberating experience, telling a dead man all the things I wasn't mindful enough to tell him when he was alive.
So, here I go.
Hiya, my dearest!
It's been a while, hasn't it? I haven't seen you or talked to you or hugged you or... or anything with you in a really long time. It's like you disappeared! I don't know why I was so confident that you wouldn't disappear, but now that you're gone, I... miss you. Are you still out there somewhere, baka?
Y'know, it was silly, aha. I used to think maybe you were trapped in the current No'C and that I needed to free you. I used to think that you were still in him and that you just couldn't show yourself. I took comfort in the idea that, within the current No'C, you were just as pained as I was to be witnessing what was happening.
It took me a while to notice you were no longer with me and it took me even longer to accept that you'll likely never be with me again. I missed you a lot, y'know? I miss hearing your voice every night. How many nights did we miss? No more than five, I'm sure. It was routine and we kept faithful to it.
What would life be like now if the current No'C had kept faithful to me? What would life be like now if you hadn't died?
I really enjoyed our time together! I didn't know you took offense at me muting during our calls. I... thought you wouldn't enjoy hearing me have breakdowns. I mean, I know the current No'C doesn't like hearing me cry. I remember, a day in December, the current No'C hung up on me because hearing me cry was "too painful" to bear. I remember the current No'C telling me that "[my] depression killed [his] happiness."
I wonder if somewhere somehow, you still existed to share in my pain. I wonder if somewhere somehow you wanted to help me, if you wanted to fix me, but I might be beyond repair.
I know this is perhaps a tad peculiar to address to someone who has died, but how are you? How've you been doing? What's it like on the other side? The side where time doesn't change things? Is it nice? I occasionally want to visit that side, but I have too many ties to this world.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you, love. I'm sorry I let you die. It must have been my fault because if I were better, you wouldn't have been tempted and you wouldn't have died. Well, at least, that's what I think. Am I wrong?
"It's not your fault," the current No'C told me. "I'm sorry."
No'C, did I ever tell you how sick I am of hearing apologies for that?
If I loved a sheep for its fluffy wool and one day it had contracted a disease that made its coat fall off, could I still love it? Could I still love it even though it no longer had what I loved? Could I still love it because it needed my love? Could I still love it because I had been loving it before?
I mean, I'd like to think that I would love it, but it seems human nature to abandon that sheep.
No'C, I'm scared. I might be abandoned again and I'm scared. I'm scared to be alone again and I'm scared to cry myself to sleep every night again. I'm scared that someone else will die. The past is repeating itself and I don't know what to do, No'C.
I don't know what to do. Look at me, I'm writing to someone who no longer exists. What am I even doing?
I'm crying. That's what I'm doing. I'm sitting on my bed, leaning against the back of my bed frame and a pillow, and I'm crying. And I'm writing to a dead man.
I'd like to say that I've grown a bit. I'd like to say that I have matured some and that I've regained some mental stability. I'd like to say that if you still exist, you don't have to worry about me because I've resettled down and am on a journey to brighter days.
Perhaps if I had written this journal two months ago, I would have told you such things, but alas, I'm breaking.
Again. Again. Again.
Can I have a hug? As if someone who doesn't exist can offer me a hug.
It's... cold. My windows are always open now. My lamp turns off occasionally.
Yesterday, I was happy to be scared of the dark, because The Shadow tends to ward off that fear and I prefer to be scared than to be depressed.
Oh, but lo and behold! Look at me now, No'C, look at me! I'm scared and my depression isn't too far either.
But I'll throw on a blanket or two for now. I should take better care of myself.
Death is kind, isn't it? It takes away everything, the good and the bad. I think my current self would benefit more if I died because losing all the bad outweighs losing all the good.
I'm still here, though, No'C. You never did agree with suicide. Then again, you were afraid of death. The current No'C is afraid of death, too. So is someone else, someone who might abandon me real soon.
Is it the fear of death that makes people disappear? Can I consider two a pattern? Why is death so frightful? It's merely a blissful release, a natural (or unnatural) process, a finality.
I don't know why my heart hurts so much. My head and stummy have been hurting, too, but I think that's bound to pass (when I run out of these potentially expired painkillers).
Is it weird to still miss you even though a year has passed? But time is silly, isn't it? Our time together went by so fast, like a violent ocean wave that swept me up and away. I can't swim, No'C. I thought you could, but you're gone now. Have you drowned?
I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to everyday. Silly you, you got me addicted to safety. Maybe this is better. Maybe it's about time that I... *ahem* that I get used to the silence.
It hurts, No'C. It hurts so much.
Oh, right, I have to tell you about Root Beer! Because I can't seem to bring myself to talk to him.
Remember when you said that if you left me, Root Beer would probably take me? Well, aren't you psychic? You were right! And for some time, I was glad that you were right. If only your foretellings stayed true. Is life destined to be composed of temporary things?
Oh, I'm beginning to lose sensitivity. I'll try not to give myself a red sleeve again. Did you ever read my journal entries, No'C? No, I guess not. I didn't write much when I was with you. You made me a very happy child and I tend to write to escape my sorrows. Thank you for taking care of me, No'C! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for being there for me. Root Beer said he'd be there for me, too, but alas, I'm surrounded by silent shadows and no one is here to save me. I would save myself if I could. If depression is a terribly deep hole, I would get up and walk out of here if I could. Yes, I have accepted my depression as a part of my identity, but that doesn't mean I want to be depressed. It just means I'm tired of fighting it. I have no energy left.
I'd like to talk about Root Beer, if you don't mind. This might seem incredibly out of place, but it's... so lonely. I made something for Root Beer! I made him something to remind him of me, but I still have it. It seems I couldn't deliver my gift soon enough. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault.
There's a note I never delivered to you, too. It's on some cute stationery. Would you like to know what it said? Here, I'll go get it. "Hiya, dearest~! I really don't want to do my Physics and study for the Social exam. I just want to... idk. Coitus. Jks. Aren't these note things cute? Tbh, I just want to use one so I can put a stiker on it. kukuku. We should go on a date sometime." Based on the context, I think I may have written it following your death. How inappropriate of me, joking with a dead man, haha. Ahhh, but I miss being able to fool myself into bliss.
Root Beer is the one that came before you and the one that came after you. He's like the bread to a you-flavoured sandwich! But the analogy pretty much stops at the bread, haha.
Haha. Can someone make me laugh? No'C, you did it so easily. I miss that. Heh, it was you who would pretend you were Pizza 73 or something silly like that! I remember now. I remember laughing too hard because I needed to laugh so badly and I definitely need a laugh now.
Ahhh, this is so unsettling, so unsatisfying! Is it my flawed memory that idolizes you? Were you really as heroic as you are in my dreams? I don't want to compare Root Beer to you, but how can I help it when both of you mean so much? Root Beer wins with the history, hands down. I've known Root Beer longer and he knows more of me than you do in some cases. Root Beer knows me more than I know myself, and I think you only know me based on what I chose and remembered to let you know. If I were to take into consideration the current No'C, Root Beer has been the cause of less tears.
But I don't like clumping you with the current No'C. In fact, I can't recall a single time you were the cause of my tears. The current No'C has shot me while I was down and I've cried over a hundred times since you've died and evolved into the current No'C. The No'C that exists now is to blame for many tears
and so is Root Beer. Am I really so hard to stay faithful to? Are my assets really so limited that other souls may only maintain interest for a set number of weeks or months? Am I really so insignificant?
Dear No'C, I am soon to be abandoned. Again.
Dear No'C, I miss you. I miss our happiness.
Dear No'C, I have seen you die a handful of times in my dreams. Why did you suddenly appear this week? Are you perhaps coming back? Or is this your farewell?
Dear No'C, why did you leave me? It's hard to fix my mistakes when I don't know the cause of it. It's cruel because I saw my past repeating itself for a while, thinking perhaps life was letting me redo something so that I can do better, but I don't know what I did wrong in the first place and I'm approaching the same unhappy ending.
Dear No'C, do you still exist somewhere?
Dear No'C, my life is falling apart and I can't do more than hide it.
Dear No'C, did you doubt me? Is that why you left? But how can I confess my love to someone who isn't here? When you died, the current No'C became so distant, and now Root Beer is distant. I'm tempted to seclude myself. I'm tempted to let The Shadow consume me. I'm tempted to disappear.
Dear No'C, you never approved of me getting pills, but I think I might.
Dear No'C, did you ever believe I was depressed? Like that diseased sheep, did I lose a part of me that you loved? Is that why you disappeared? But like that sheep, I am diseased, suffering.
I won't live long. Is it so wrong to want to be happy for the rest of my life? It might only be a handful of years, God forbid a sooner nature.
Dear No'C, I was happy.
The song which these lyrics come from makes me happy. I used to jam out to it a lot.
She was pure like snowflakes,
no one could ever stain
The memory of my angel
could never cause me pain
Sorry for the scrambled thoughts during this entry. If you made it to this end, thank you for bearing with me, fellow soul. If you can, won't you send me a message of consolation? Anything would help. Tell my future self that this entry sent you and I'll forward my thanks to the current me, which will be the past of the future me. Retrospective effects. yum_puddi
|
