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LAST UPDATED 4 January 2016 at 1:00AM

So I read that it might help me to write down my worries because it takes more effort to record them than to constantly ponder over them or something. Terrible explanation, Lucia, but it's worth a shot, right? If it helps, you won't regret it, and if it's ineffective, you won't know it. Don't read this list over and over like I know you will, Lucia. Just jot the worries and leave it.

-Indifference is scary.

-One word answers are thoughtless.

-He's too preoccupied.

-I've developed a dependency on him for happiness. I've done what I wanted him not to do: limit himself.

-killer headache

-While I cried two nights in a row, I am determined not to cry myself to sleep two nights in a row. I'll distract myself. Distract. Distract. Distract.

-I really enjoyed the calls we used to share. I took it for granted since we called every night. But, skip one night, skip all nights. New customs are inevitable. Changes. You might not be happy now, but you'll get used to it. Things are... bound to become normal, whether the norm be as it was or different. I do miss hearing his voice before I sleep. I miss feeling connected like that. I miss hearing background noises and smiling that it wasn't silent. I thought things would be better once he came back from his trip. I still miss him, even though he's at home now. I still miss him. I do.

-I've been faking emotions. Is that bad? He doesn't seem to notice. Exclamation marks sure are persuasive. I just don't have it in me to be honest and tell him how sad I am. Plus, he's with his friends. I don't wish to interfere.

-ToK and ELA are gonna be lonely classes. For the first time, it feels like I'll have no close friends. Sure, I recognize names and faces here and there, but no ones to be myself around.

-Will he stop enjoying me once he realizes what a pitiful being I've become? I wish we had telepathy so that we could just think to each other and I could actually communicate with him when I'm crying. I don't want him to hear my sniffles, but the mute button (to which I've grown reliant on) makes me feel like I'm cheating him of the truth. My eyes hurt.

-I'm going to tell him. It's going to sound like he's the problem. He'll be mad at me.

-I'm so goshdarn fake. Look at me acting like I'm fine. Look at me acting like it's still easy and natural calling him "dear," "dearest," "love." But this surely isn't a one-sided realization. Can't he tell that something is dying? That something is scared and wants to fade away? Why do I fall for the ones who can't... who can't... ah, I don't know.

-It just hurts and I'm not precisely sure why. It hurts inside. Not my heart, but my chest and maybe my hands will start to hurt soon. I feel like crying just to release this tension. I can't do that, though. Not at school.

-We weren't able to reconcile our misunderstandings before we went our separate ways home. I wanted to, and it seemed like it was inevitable that we'd make up, but we haven't. I'm on my bus right now, he's not. Granted, he never is, but I feel more alone now than ever.

-Woke up around two. Bad call. Slept. Bad dream. Mum insults me shortly after I get out of bed. Bad morning. Orders and academic obligations. A day doomed.

-Same day as last entry. Spider spotted on bed. Attempt to capture failed. Spider on the loose. Me on the noose.

-I wish you could and would talk me out of this depression.

-I'm not sure if I gave up on me first or if Mr Juneau gave up on me first. I spent so many hours on my project, only to realize that, because I finished it, I didn't email it back to myself and so I didn't have it for school. I had spent so much time working on it and emailing it to myself to transfer it from computer to computer. I tried so hard. All for nought. Do I hate dragons now? What was a pleasant adventure to recall will now be forcefully forgotten. So long dream of victory and praise. So long dream of being useful. So long dream of meatballs and Halloween. It's a miserable day when your joys become your sorrows. I don't know if it was that he didn't give me a chance or if I was expecting no chance to be given. Either way, I'm in the worst of spirits. If only I was humble enough to ask for help. If only there was someone out there who can read my mind and sense my danger and care for my soul! Why am I always so isolated? Why am I so hopeless to myself? Why am I like this and why can't I escape? please

-Today, I am reminded of how hard work is not always rewarded. I put my all into being an alto 1, but I guess it didn't show. I was practically yelling out those notes in an attempt to deliver it to other alto 1 members. I'm not an alto 1, nor do I like to be one even for a day. And now I especially don't like being one. I did try so very hard. Maybe don't tell me how useless my effort is next time. It might not hurt to dream, but it sure is painful waking up.

-Open House happened today. I was at school from around 7:50AM and just left now around 9:00PM (heh). Ahh, two things. Okay, first regarding him. What is this, really? We're literally in the same building for over half a day, and you know what? I can count the words (not sentences, not replies, not conversations) that we exchanged today. Maybe I'll keep track of them in the future, give myself numbers to solidify my desperation. If you want space, just tell it to me straight. If you don't, why not make an effort to keep me close? Because if I feel distant while you're close, I'll be inclined to bring to reality that distance. Ah, but, I'm the silly one here. I'm aggravated and I want to direct this frustration towards something, someone. I need to release myself. Catharsis. I don't know if I'm mad at you, but I want to vent and these emotions have been chasing their tails in my head and you know what? You're constantly, constantly on my mind, too, so, sorry for being like this. It's just this unsatisfied desire to be near you collapsing in on itself. It's just I cherish the past far too much more than the present now. It's that dreams are better than reality again and I wish, oh I wish, that I never woke up from our fantasy, our adventure, our trust, our mutuality, what I dared to see as our love. And my parents have seemed to lose trust in me, too. Constantly reminding me of things that break me, constantly, constantly, constantly. Please, someone tell everyone for me. Please, pity me. I'm so tired.

-She, mumsy, doesn't want me to wait outside, but I need the air. I can't... I don't know why.

-I'll send this note to Ryan if this feeling persists for more than a week. Rejection is a bad thing sometimes. It's basically someone telling you that you're not the one for them. What's worse, though, is neglect. I wonder when you'll notice that I'm forcing myself to stay near you in the physical world. It hurts a lot of the time (recently it has been hurting more often than not), but I still do it. I want to stand near you, sit near you. Because of what has happened, what you've decided, I can't bring myself to be beside you. Near is the best I can do for myself. Why? Well, I want to be close to you because my feelings for you, while hurt, are very much still there. I thought being near you is enough, but I'm selfish. I want you to approach me, share a decent talk with me face to face, tell me something silly or serious. I just want you to prove to me that you're not ignoring me. Maybe you are. Maybe it's that I want to prove to myself that you're not ignoring me. This won't go well. I convinced myself we belong and look where that put me now? So this is what winning my bet feels like, eh? This is what hopeless frustration feels like? This is what desperation feels like? Should I give up? But I don't want to. I want to go away from this not just with, "At least I tried." If it ever comes down to it, I want to say, "Well, I did my best." Backing out of situations is something I can control. I don't want to say bye. It's not a "yet" thing. I don't ever want to say bye, but watch me. I'll say it eventually, regret every ounce of it, and then purge myself of the memories we shared. I don't want to forget you because I still... you know. But at the same time, I want to forget you because it would be an easy escape for someone like me. How can I be caught up in something that I no longer know about? How can I cry over something, someone that I don't remember, that I no longer know? I wonder if you see the appeal in this option or if you think it's stupid. But you know what's stupid? Giving me hope when I'm down only to shoot me when I'm up. "Don't let it fade." Do you regret saying that? Was it impulsive? Because, yes, maybe asking was stupid, but a hopeful answer is just as stupid. baka. To think I'm still... you know. To think that I still smile when you visit my dreams. How... how pathetic of me. I'm hopeless like this. I want to fade.

-"We'll have a talk," he said. Joyed I became. "Breakup... advice," he declares. Oh.

-Well, what do you know? Turns out I do get jealous. Is he slipping away or is it only in my mind?

-He swears a lot now. He has always sworn a lot, but he used to make an effort not to swear around me. Now he doesn't care. Should I not care, too? But I feel offended every time he swears, even though he doesn't swear to me directly. He just goes ahead and swears in front of me as if it's okay. As if it didn't matter what I thought, what I valued. Please stop swearing. Please, please, please. This must sound so silly. You might think swearing is trivial, but... just... I'm losing you. Please don't go. What good is a plea? I'm pathetic. Hopeless. No good. Not good enough. Not brave enough. Not open enough. I'm just... not enough. I'll work hard. I'll do well in school. I'll get into university, I will! And I'll get a job that makes enough money to let you live comfortably. I'll work hard. Please, at least let me live for you!

-He keeps swearing nowadays. Does he think that I'm okay with it now? Maybe. I mean, I guess he has no obligation to refrain from offending me. Plus, he was really mad at whoever he was swearing at, so is it justified? "A boy wants a good girl who is bad only for him. A girl wants a bad boy who is good only for her." Is that true? Was I drawn to his delinquency in hopes that he'll behave under my influence? He says he started skipping class only this year. This year is the only year I can't watch over him. If anything bad happens to him, is it inherently my fault? If he can't support himself, is it my fault? Is he in need of saving? Can I be that saviour? It's like trying to save a drowning person when you can't swim. You just helplessly watch them suffocate underwater. Jumping in won't do you any good except make you a martyr.

-Someone help me. I'm breaking. I'm breaking to pieces and I feel it. It's not pleasant at allllll. No, I don't like this. My hands are hurting. Am I depressed? Physically speaking, this feels like depression, but I was fine a few hours ago. Did something trigger it? Did I have a bad dream during my nap? Nonono, please, it's not the right time to feel like this. Don't drown me in doubt like this. Don't do it, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. I am slain.

-Ryan slept with Nickie. Was this during the Nooses Off play? I don't want to ask. Do I even really want to know? Ryan is showing signs of intimacy with another girl. Do I want to know? No. Ryan isn't conserving himself for me. Does he have to? Not anymore. Do I want him to? I am selfish, after all. I don't want to be a terrible person. If Lucia can stop calling me one, life would be better. I'm only human. Humans are selfish, right? I don't want to be like this.

-I have to fight this urge to seclude myself. I have to fight this desire to return to isolation. I mustn't see the good in retracting my human relations. Outgoing is good, Lucia. Being with people is good, Lucia. Look, Lucia, try to remember the joy of being with different trains of thought, different locomotives carrying vastly different cargoes. Remember the joy of variation, discrepancies, ideas new to you. Don't build your walls again. They broke for a reason.

-He didn't wave back at me. He didn't bid me good bye today. Has he sent me off anytime this week yet? Tomorrow is the last day I'll see him. Tomorrow is the last day. What if he disappears? What if he drifts? What if I forget him? What if he forgets me? He didn't wave me good bye. I'm shaking. No, this is not good. I... I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think. I need help but there's no one. I'm in need of someone--someone gave me a cookie. Oh, it's good. I just realized I'm hungry. Good thing she gave me a cookie. Food is a gouda distraction.

-"That's not love. That's obsession." Not my words, but I don't know how to disprove it. This entry is to Ryan. Today--actually, this whole week, you've been so darn far away. I have been consciously fighting painful thoughts and I'm kind of sick of it. I shouldn't be writing right now because my mind is clouded with overflowing thoughts. I should wait until I calm down, but I also want to vent a little. I feel hurt by you, to put it in plain words. It's not the things that you do that offend (?) me. Instead, it's the things that you don't do that hurt me most. So, sorry. I've been trying not to be mad at you, but sometimes I get so frustrated. It's not healthy when I start craving for possession of you. It's selfish, immoral. I want to punch you, but a part of me feels like I won't be able to stop myself after starting. Pent-up rage. Remember? Which trip was that? You were on that trip, too.

-I'm breaking. To whoever is reading this, please help me.

-What it feels like right now is... maybe familiar. Has it been about a week? I seem to have a breakdown once a week and I wonder if this is the beginning of it. It starts along my neck, right below both of my ears. It's a... numb-like sensation, but it's not numb because it hurts. And now, my chest. Is it my heart? Something feels constricted. I hear myself breathing now. I wonder if I'll let myself cry. I don't know if this will reach my hands. I just know that he hasn't been putting an effort towards me all today. Or has he? I have to check. For the past few hours, I've been waiting for his reply. First, he tells
me he's consoling a girl who had "just been played." Hours later, he tells me "Tired // Sleeping." I mean, it's my fault for expecting anything from someone to whom I mean nothing to anymore. Surely he would deny that. He would deny that I mean nothing to him, but he... I won't truly believe that. He's too nice, I used to think. He's too nice, but he's hurt me a lot these past few weeks and I should really wake up. It's just, when he's around, when he talks to me, when I can sense him, I'm so filled with relief and happiness that there's no room for anything else. Here comes the sniffles. I see the tears forming, clouding my vision. There. I forced it out. My mind hasn't cleared, though. No karu today. I wonder if there'll be one tomorrow. 2/3 days he called me this year. At least that's majority. It won't stay majority for long, though, will it? Will he say good bye if he decides to go? But didn't we promise not to leave?