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So as a handful of you may know, I write to vent. For several years now, journaling has been one of my most reliable escapes. As such, when No'C left, I was in dire need of escaping and so it might not come as a surprise that I wrote a lot following the relinquishment of the shared intimacy between No'C and me.

While I expressed my words through an array of mediums, many of my more personal, destructive, and depressing thoughts wound up in the notes of my iPod. I'm not sure if this is a breech of privacy because I withheld virtually nothing from my iPod notes.

Anyhow, the next few entries will consist of my iPod notes, raw with typos and all! I'd like to apologize for mentioning names or for spilling my secrets too personal for your comfort and such. I just... don't wish to be able to revisit that period of my past to easily.

How many times have I reread my sorrows? Too many times. And now I'm opening my past sorrows to you readers because one cannot simply keep it all bottled up.

Oh, and as a reminder, these notes are all quite old! I'll include a date for the last time that note was updated, but that's about it. Most notes consist of a collection of thoughts, usually written days, weeks, months apart. I'd also like to mention that, as of around April, many of the thoughts expressed in the following few entries are expired thoughts.

After uploading the notes, I will delete them from my iPod. This way, I can't revisit them on a whim anymore. This is... a rather peculiar path to some perverse freedom, isn't it?

Dear future me,
Sorry! I'd rather be clear glass than a hollow shell.

For now, I'll be uploading the entries approaching and following the day No'C broke up with me for these are my most burdensome notes. No'C and I used to exchange messages through my notes app, all of which still exist. There are some really, heh, really adorable things we used to share. Oddly, the bittersweet memories immortalized in those notes do not weigh down on my mind in any concerning manner.

UPDATE: Alrighty, so now that I've transferred all the notes that I wished to transfer from my iPod to this lovely little Gaia journal, I might go back a reformat a few of them or something. There are a few things I want my curious readers to keep in mind as they read through specific notes. If you could be so kind as to keep this entry open in a separate tab as you read any of my "Expired Thoughts" series, that would be splendid.

Thoughts on Expired Thoughts

". (written by No'C)"
So No'C and I used to exchange messages like this. Occasionally, we'd switch devices (my iPod and his phone) throughout the school day and we would leave each other notes and such. His phone started acting up and eventually, my iPod became the sole storage of these exchanged notes. However, approaching the day No'C would leave me, I noticed he requested my iPod less and less. (The seldom occasions he did ask for it, it was to play games. I didn't mind, though, because any interaction relieved me of my horrible shadow, if only for a moment.) One day, I wrote a note (not directly addressed to him, but I knew he would read it eventually) talking about how I always checked my iPod for new notes and how I regretted it every time because there would be nothing to find. "." was the note he wrote in response to my note. However, like an osmium fool, I didn't know that he wanted to break up with me. How stupid, right? Looking back now, it was so obvious. But, y'see, I had such faith in him that I thought this "long talk" was his attempt at healing our relationship because even I sensed something was off. In the end, this "long talk" became the conversation in which he told me he was "confused" and that he "needed to find out where [he] stands." Spoiler alert: he ended up ending things over a call late one night, aha.

"Karuless Days"
This a note I wrote to him during our last choir camp together. It contains entries from throughout the trip, starting with the first night there and ending with the bus ride home.

The reference to "facebook messages" was there because prior to this trip, I'd have breakdowns throughout the night and I'd message him until I calmed down. However, No'C is not a night owl and seldom could he stay up with me (which was something I just had to deal with). Consequently, he couldn't respond to my distressed messages as I was sending them. By morning, he'd greet me a good morning and make no mention of my night of terrors, making me think he didn't bother reading it. Meanwhile, he was almost guaranteed to eventually read the notes on my iPod.

Reading the note now, I get the sense that I was already depressed at this point in time. I also get the sense that I've already lost my sober logic. I've already turned into a dreaming fool at this point.

Ah yes, I pondered the empathetic divide between No'C and me. There was already a discord here. "Thinking too much" and "distant without distance" is a nice summary of the next handful of months.

Oh, also! "Karuless" is a joke on the roumaji of "call" in Japanese. No'C and I used to share call every night. We would skip days like those during this trip because the internet connection was unreliable and we both roomed in rooms of three other people. A day without a call = karuless day.

"Kowai"
This is an interesting note because I kept track of when each entry was written. I think it's also coolio how I was mindful to put a title for each entry. Those titles, by the way, were not put there on a whim. Do think about them if you want a better understanding of the entry. c:

The first entry (FRESH IN MEMORY) was written right after the "long talk" mentioned two entries ago. I started talking about my depression (that I couldn't admit was depression at the time) and then I had a breakdown while writing that entry. You can typically tell when I'm having a breakdown by how often I start repeating things, like "sudden," "maybe," "dearest," "selfish," "please," etc. (Hey Root Beer? If you're reading this, did you catch my confession of my loss of innocence?)

GHOST is an interesting entry because, little did I know then, I would have countless more ghostly days. This might sound strange, but the last paragraph of this entry is so pleasingly accurate of what I was feeling and what I would come to continue feeling for months and months.

About RECOVERY, what comes up must come down. (Dear Root Beer, where's the dealio? There's the dealio! Reread the dealio and understand who it now applies to.)

SERENDIPITY is basically me being a complete fool and giving in to my delusional fantasies. (But, Root Beer, have I ever told you that you're cool sometimes?)

FUTILITY is me skipping over the bounds of realism and straight into logical pessimism. "Today, I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow" is something I learned in French class. I was an FSL student and No'C was an FLA student, so we shared things like this. Also, for new readers, I have tendency so remember my dreams and nightmares haunt me beyond my sleep.

HESITATION. Ailicec, sorry for injuring you. Those nails marks should have been on my flesh with the rest of them.

I really like the entry HABIT. It's sober and I think it's very mature of my past to think those things.

This CARDIGAN retained No'C scent and I would seek comfort in it almost daily. One day, I went to No'C's house and while I don't remember what we did there (I can very well guess, though), it was raining terribly hard when it was time for me to leave. Like the rebel I was and still am, I didn't have a jacket, so No'C gave me this cardigan from his closet, claiming he hardly wears it anyway. Eventually, it became a necessity to sleep, the scent of him lulling me to slumber nightly. I finally washed it and put it away earlier last month. Funny story, I think I got blood on it, which is why I was encouraged to put it in the laundry, hahaha.

"Colours and Promises"
This is a series of undated writings meant for philosophical or more profound reflections. Sometimes cryptic, sometimes nonsensical, these entries exemplify my most abstract form of literary escape.

In [Observation], the "it" in reference is the interaction between No'C and me. [Imagination] was some polished nonsense inspired by Mr Train. Hm... I kind of wish I sought medication for my depression at this point, haha. Oh well.

"Why"
It might seem like I am contradicting myself or repeating myself between the questions of this entry. That's because my responses to my questions were written at different times. In other words, the responses are independent of each other. Weird. Reading this now, many of the things currently apply to Root Beer.

My responses to "Why am I crying?" are... Oh dear. The agony of my past self is palpable.

"The Worry Note"
This was an attempt to cure myself of depression because I feared that one day, I would wake up without the will to live. Like the note tells me, I won't read it over and over. Just know that this note was started quite early in the school year. At the start of this note, No'C was not the biggest triggers of my depression. By the end of this note, I had already started counting the days between my breakdowns because they were coming so often.

"The Relief Note"
By the sounds of it, this note was started in September, which means They Worry Note was also started in September.

The kisses mentioned near the beginning of this note are No'C's kisses and I can't help but wonder if he really kissed me or if... if those were all empty.

The "krew" is Root Beer's group of friends.

The entry that begins with "Today" is such a bittersweet memory now! It kinda hurts to read the words of a Lucia who was okay.

Most of the entries were recorded when I was in what I like to call my "dream-state." It's when I willing succumb to my delusional fantasies, when I accept the role as the fool. Reading things like the things in this entry reinforce my belief that I wouldn't mind being absolutely lunatic so long as it meant I could be happy. I only want to be happy, dear readers. yum_puddi