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Well, here I am again. Not exactly the spot I was hoping I'd be after several revelations, back to back in forms of either lucid dreaming or very harsh conversations with my ego(s) [As many like to think].

Before I could even lament on what brought me back to this journal, I feel the need to explain what I've accumulated over the past days since my last entry.

So, the very first thing I need to explain is that I never really read the entire 'goodbye' letter in it's fullness. This is for many reasons and the biggest one is that I couldn't stand the idea that this is the actual final goodbye. Another reason is that I couldn't withstand all the hatred and anger towards me from someone that I love with all of my heart. A final reason is that I'm in a position where I can't fix anything. I've made mistakes before and always given a chance to make things right... Yet, I'm here ONLY to live with the mistakes I've made and to lament on them.

Honestly, I REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY should have read it sooner. Perhaps it would have saved me from the whole, 'I'm going crazy in my own mind", problem a few weeks back. It's very fair to say that I was running through several different phases very ******** fast simply because of all the emotional problems I was:
A) Dealing with at the current moment
B) Rejecting to deal with at the current moment
C) Unable to deal with at the current moment
D) Refusing to acknowledge the facts of the matter and believe in the blissful existence that we once were.
With all that kinda cleared up, it goes in hand that all the ******** craziness is derived from all the denial of the truth and my willingness to accept it.

So what made you finally accept it?

Well... I kept praying to God to give me a chance to talk things out with her again. Several times, I was given foresight of the conversation and it went rather sour or very well. I was in a rocking chair, going back and forth between what she'd really do and what I hope would happen. Eventually, I begged Him for his strength and guidance to deliver me from this literal Hell I was experiencing. It was while working, not even thinking about her whatsoever and even on a toilet of all places, did this over-glaring idea come into my mind:

YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO READ HER SIDE OF THE STORY. WHY DON'T YOU READ HER EMAIL AND FINALLY UNDERSTAND FROM HER WORDS?

And with that, I did as soon as I got home. Of course, the initial reaction was that of the first time reading it... But I bite the bullet and read the entire thing through and once more for good measure. With everything read, I finally allowed myself to realize AND accept that she is thoroughly done with me and that we will never be together ever again. IF BY SOME DIVINE GRACE OF GOD OR TRUE LOVE SHOULD BRING US BACK, then that's another story and something I am not banking on whatsoever. Why not? Well, that leads me to the next and perhaps current feeling:

I deserve this.

I deserve waking up each morning, yearning for her to be at my side again. I deserve looking into the sky and seeing her soft smile and wonderfully lit eyes. I deserve feeling sour in my tongue when I listen/see the lovers together, parading in their joys across the city. I deserve to feel dead inside for what I've done to her.
I deserve this Hell that I've accumulated with my own actions and words.

I. DESERVE. THIS.

It's at this point, I'm told by myself, that I need to line out what I (personally, obviously not from both parties) have done wrong. It's a rather short list and it's only like that because there wasn't much done, just it was done over and over again.
[This might look similar to something I wrote before, but whatever, I'm just the only one reading this s**t anyway.]

I also, because in the spirit of myself and logic, explain why I've done what I did. Now, it doesn't make my actions justified in being 'good'. No. In fact, it validates why the action is so horrible. I, in no way, am trying to make any of this sound better with a reason. They are horrible things I've done and I take full responsibility for what I've done, wishing only to atone for my actions.

Sex with partners that I told/never told her
Rather huge problem that I personally under-minded for a very long time. Part because I've lied to her, in her face no less, about sleeping with other women. I'm not proud, I'm not excited, I'm not thrilled with what I've done with these women behind the back of the one I truly love. Why I did it is a rather simple yet profound reason: I was lonely. I was craving her touch against my skin, her kisses down my body, her everything and my own entwining together. *They* were just a simple means to an end to my loneliness. I told them, from start of intercourse (the flirting stage) to the end (where they bitterly left me), that I had my heart for only her and that my actions did not reflect my emotional honesty. I should have told her the truth. I should have trusted she would understand, scold me, and work with me to overcome this problem. Rather, I under-minded her and thought I could lie to you about all of the things I've done. In the end, I didn't think you'd understand... Understand that she has always been in my heart and thoughts, no matter what physical action I plunged myself into. I mean, I wouldn't be able to understand it if she had gone through the same thing... BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY HAD THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN MY ACTIONS. RATHER, ONE SNIDE a*****e THAT I CALL MY TWIN, SUPPOSEDLY DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR HIS YOUNGER TWIN, TOLD HER. NOW, I'M NOT ANGRY THAT SHE FOUND OUT, FOR ALL LIES EVENTUALLY SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY, RATHER I'M PISSED THAT THE 'TRUTH' WASN'T THE GODDAMN TRUTH AT ALL. IT WAS STILL A LIE BECAUSE NEITHER PARTY COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT I FELT. I DID NOT TAKE PRIDE IN MY CONQUESTS BEHIND HER BACK AND I WAS LEFT MORE EMPTY THAN I WAS WHEN I BEGAN.

Lying (In General)
I guess one could say there was a lack of trust that I had in her as well as she did in me. Her to me because I've been a known liar... But in very recent time (due to re-surging details coming to me) me to her. Maybe there wasn't any sort of honesty in our relationship at all and we lasted together only because of our emotions. On my side, I didn't tell her about false lovers on the side and the previously mentioned sex with others (false lovers being girls I legit just flirted with and never did anything with. Yes, there were plenty and yes, they meant nothing to me.). Yet, me to her is a little more profound since there actually hasn't ever been a moment, at least I hope, that she lied to me directly. As the definition of lie as a verb, to express what is false; convey a false impression , is exactly what she did to me on a daily basis. Understanding fully the scenario she was in and everything that was happening because of outside informants, rather than confront me with the truth... Scurry along to friends for moral support eventually come back and lash at me whilst pissed and given full support in her actions. Was this wrong for her to do? Well, if my word should mean anything to myself... Which I really hope it does, I believe so. Whether it be lack of confidence on her side to come to me about my problems, to reassure that her emotions were valid by an outside party, or the fact that she never saw me as an adult and thought I couldn't handle such issues properly (going the way she dictated); not coming to your partner about any sort of problems you have with them is an obviously glaring issue with the said individual. It wasn't only with me she'd perform such actions. She'd come to me about her past (current? I don't know) lover, Mike, and all of his issues. I'm starting to doubt her when she told me that they would 'talk' about their issues and he wouldn't understand. Perhaps they never had those conversations and she, just she had done with me, went to others to assess herself and the scenario. In the end, why she never DIRECTLY CAME TO ME ABOUT ISSUES, INADVERTENTLY LYING TO ME AS WELL, will never be cleared to me until one day she comes back and I can ask the question. Lying, no matter how 'noble' or 'well intended' the purpose stands for will never justify the reason to lie whatsoever to anyone. Truth needs to be spoken by both parties in fullest of hearts.

Giving False Impressions of the Relationship
Let me just say: Excuse the ******** me. I'm sorry she believed in all the dreams that me AND her were making together and my lack of ability to actually complete any of them by several constraining factors. Excuse the ******** me that I would have LOVED to see every single fantasy of her's completed... IF I HAD THE ******** MEANS TO COMPLETE THEM ALL. Whew. Sorry. I need to just... get THAT out of my system. Because I get it, I gave false impressions of how I THOUGHT we would be together and I apologize in HALF. Half? Because I've LONGED to complete those dreams with her when I could actually do them all. Cooking and having the place clean for her when she arrived back from work? Alright, ******** me because I should have done those things for her. In my only defense, I'll say that she lacked supplies for cooking and I didn't want to muddle her things around with my cleaning. If that doesn't hold up for her then absolutely ******** me in the a**. About owning a home together and making each day peaceful? I wanted to and still want to have that come true... BUT I'M HER JUNIOR OF SIX YEARS. I'M SORRY THAT I COME FROM THE HIGHEST JOB MARKET SATURATION IN THE US AND THAT FINDING A JOB ISN'T JUST WALKING TO A GODDAMN STORE, TWO MILES DOWN BY CAR, AND JUST ASKING FOR THE OPEN POSITION. I'M SORRY THAT OWNING AN APARTMENT ISN'T JUST GOING TO A PLACE YOU LIKE AND SIGNING THE LEASE BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, PRICES DOWN THERE ARE ABYSMALLY CHEAPER. I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY SUBSTANTIAL WORK EXPERIENCE, READ REASON ABOVE. I'M SORRY THAT I DON'T HAVE ANYONE, AND I LEGIT MEAN NO ONE, TO FALL BACK TO FOR FIANCIAL SUPPORT. DON'T YOU DARE SAY YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER HAS BAILED YOU OUT OF s**t PLENTY OF TIMES. NO? SHE HASN'T? WHO PAID FOR MANY OF YOUR HOSPITAL BILLS, INCLUDING THE SPINE PLACEMENTS? YOUR FIRST CAR? BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DON'T HAVE MY MOM OR DAD THROWING ME A USED CAR MY WAY LIKE IT'S ******** CONFETTI. YOUR INSURANCE FOR THE WRECK YOU WERE, thankfully not servery harmed and I'm very happy you aren't, CAUGHT IN? YES, YOU HAVE A FALLBACK NET. I HAVE A NET KEEPING ME THE ******** RIGHT HERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. YOU HAVE s**t EASIER DOWN THERE THAN I DO UP HERE WHEN IT COMES TO WORK, LIVING, AND FUNDING s**t. DO YOU, IN ALL OF YOUR HONEST TO GOD THINKING POWER, THINK I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANY OF THE THINGS I SAID WE WOULD? DO YOU REALLY AND HONESTY THINK I WAS TRYING TO ROPE YOU INTO A 'SUGAR MOMMA' SCENARIO (Being that you buy everything and I sit back, taking the rewards)? BECAUSE, AND EXCUSE ME IF I'M RECOUNTING THIS WRONG, BUT I PAID FOR MANY OF THE TICKETS/HOTELS THAT YOU/I HAVE STAYED IN. NOT ONCE HAVE I, BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY VISIT, INSISTED THAT YOU ALONE AFFORD EVERYTHING. ********, I'VE ALWAYS THROW MYSELF FORWARD TO PAY FOR s**t WHILST YOU WANTED TO MAKE SURE I COULD AFFORD THE SPENDING. ********, I BOUGHT YOU GIFTS WITH THE LITTLE ******** SCRAPS OF CASH I HAD. BOUGHT YOU GIFTS THAT NO ONE, IN YOUR ENTIRE TIME OF DEALING WITH GUYS, EVER THOUGHT OF ******** BUYING FOR YOU.
I. HAVE. NO. ********. INTENTIONS. IN. USING. YOU. FOR. MATERIAL. USAGE.
I. HAVE. NO. ********. INTENTIONS. IN. USING. YOU. AND. ABUSING. YOUR. TRUST.
... *deep breathing* Alright... I think I've gotten everything about that off my chest...
In the end, I shouldn't have glamoured that everything would be 'perfect' when we lived together. I should have kept things realistic to what I could do as a guy attempting to grow into a man and reminded her that I'm not her peer in age, that most of what I said we should do together was physically impossible at the time. I feel to throw that my words are 'empty promises' is rather cold and un-needed because of the reasons written above in very defiant, angry words. Anger, not because I feel she is wrong, but because I'm offended that my dreams and desires were presumed to be 'false intentions' and a means to 'keep her roped in a relationship'. No, I didn't lie about my dreams with her. Each time I recall what dreams I had between me and her, I die again and again. I guess the reality is; It really doesn't matter since we'll never be together again.

Lack of Emotion
This one is rather tricky for me to apologize to. I mean, I understand her position and why she believes I'm heartless (Sleeping with women all over and breaking their hearts to be with her... maybe even to validate my emotions are true to only her in some sort of sick fashion.) and that she saw nothing when I was there. In fact, to quote her, that she saw nothing but true darkness, a great lying demon that deserves nothing more than Hell for what I've done to her. I really REALLY understand the reasoning behind why she feels this way and I agree to it. Just... She had explained to me that my emotions were 'fake' and that it was, "looking into a mirror. Whenever I smile, you smile because I am" etc. So, I personally believe (and yes, there are people worse out there than me and I should be grateful. But I don't know/care about those people) I've lived a very shitty life. Given the very end of a shitty stick with tons of ever-growing responsibilities that weigh down on said s**t stick. I wasn't and still aren't a very happy person. I can find myself being happy in sprints of time, but overall? No, I'm not happy. I don't have much to be excited/happy about and I prefer it that way so when I actually am happy, it's meaningful. When I came down there to see her again, she told me that mirror analogy and I wondered if it was true. Part of me agreed and another didn't. I don't need to validate my feelings by the vibes of others. If I seem to be happy when they are... MAYBE I'M JUST ******** HAPPY? HOW ARE SOME OF THE EASIEST ANSWERS TO COME UP WITH THE HARDEST FOR HER TO DRAW OUT? I'M A MANIPULATING, LYING a*****e WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TEASE A POOR, INNOCENT WOMEN FOR NINE YEARS OF THEIR COLLECTIVE LIFE?! ********! YOU'D THINK AN AVERAGE PERSON WOULD WAGER, "WOW, NINE YEARS WORTH OF COMMITMENT? THAT GUY/GIRL HAS A LOT OF LOVE INVESTED RIGHT THERE." NOT, "WOW, NINE YEARS WORTH OF COMMITMENT? THAT GUY/GIRL HAS A LOT OF INTEREST IN ******** THAT PERSON OVER." I WAS HAPPY DOWN THERE, LIVING WITH HER AND BEING ABLE TO ACTUALLY LIVE OUT MY DREAM OF WALKING UP IN HER WORLD, WATCHING HER WORLD, AND ******** BEING IN IT. THERE WASN'T A GODDAMN MOMENT THAT I WASN'T HAPPY DOWN THERE, EVEN WITH THE GODDAMN ARGUMENTS ABOUT ME GOING BACK TO NYC, WHICH BY THE WAY, I EVENTUALLY AGREED WITH RATHER THAN FORCING IT ON HER... BUT NO, THE MERE FACT OF FORCING COMPLETELY OVERSEEN BY THE INITIAL ACTION.
... *more deep breathing* Again, sorry. It's not ACTUAL ANGER AT HER, rather just frustration at the ******** scenario I am left with/how things have ended/what was felt by the other party without any sort of conversation about my side of the story. In the end, I loved every moment and did my best to give her the best time she had as well. We had rough patches because I wanted to live down there with her and she JUST got off a relationship with a guy being with her for a long time. Yes, I've ******** up on that and I'll gladly admit it over and over. Yet, I didn't 'fake' my emotions. I didn't 'mirror' her happiness; I was GENUINELY happy to be there with you, even if everything wasn't the way she wanted it to be.

And as I somewhat wrap this whole journal entry up, I've realized that I also included in my reasons of why I did the things I've did with personal ALL BOLD/ALL CAPS rants... I just don't think that my personal feelings with her actions should escape my actions as well. Like both sides of the story kinda deal. Just to press this little fact in:

I'M NOT ANGRY WITH HER. RATHER, FRUSTRATED AT HOW THINGS ENDED AND THE SCENARIOS THAT I'M LEFT TO DEAL WITH ALONE.

Maybe if I had more dialogue than just a bloody angry email, describing how I ******** up and what sort of horrible person I am, I wouldn't be as frustrated/depressed/hurt/angry/etc. about this whole thing.

So, with all that written... I come to my most recent problem: Still dealing with all of this. When I came true to myself about the mistakes I've made and also realizing that this is the end for me and her, I wasn't set free of all of it. I still feel her emotions randomly through my day. I still see her when I least expect it... swelling tears in my eyes as I do my absolute best to keep the flood gates closed, desperately clawing my eyes to prevent anyone watching me. I want to be freed of feeling her feelings, dreaming of her in them and seeing her all over my world while I try and finally let it all die... Why am I still plagued? Is it because of my frustrations at how everything ended? My desire to understand fully her side of the story? Do I secretly covert her and think that we might come back with enough time between us? Might as well ******** be yes to all of it, but it doesn't change the fact I've bought her words: It's. Over. Forever.

... I just want to finally get on with my life... There's literally no more point in beating this rather over killed horse. I don't know what else to do that's within my power of doing. Friends have suggested to go and talk to her. Talk to her? She HATES me. She DESPISES me. If she was open to the idea of talking, she'll do it first because she has made it VERY ******** CLEAR to never contact her again. Again, very stupid choice that will end in nothing being resolved. I don't have anger in my heart about her, I'm not 'sick with everything' she's done over the last nine years, it's all of her and her alone to either resolve with herself or, as she's said, leave it the ******** alone and walk away.

Maybe when this Love in my heart finally subsides... will I find actual peace.
Maybe I will never stop loving her and never find peace.