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Teenagers everywhere tease their friends by saying, “You have no life,” or “Get a life”. Even teens that aren’t friends with one another say that, but teenagers say it to each other all the time. I’m not saying I never did say those kinds of phrases. Actually, I said those things a lot. It made me feel better after my Mom died and my Dad began ignoring me.
I hate thinking about those phrases. I despise them. They’re cruel and vicious sayings. I haven’t thought this until three months after I was kidnapped, but I suppose it is better late than never to realize this, right? Why do I suddenly think so? Simple: because I truly have no life.
Teens will say that to their friends who might play videogames for an entire weekend straight, or their friends who text for a living, or even to their friends who cook because they're bored. Me? Why do I have no life? That’s because I sit on my a** every day and literally do nothing. I look into the black abyss I’m trapped in all day and all night. I have no video-games to play, I have no phone to text people with- though that’s not the first thing I’d do with a phone anymore-, and I most certainly don’t have access to a kitchen to cook something. I am constantly bored.
Many teenagers can’t be bored for five minutes straight without going crazy. I’m bored for days, weeks, even months straight, and I’m doing just fine. So what if I don’t talk anymore? So what if I get extremely sick from eating normal food? So what if I can’t stand on my own feet or walk without support because my legs are broken? Who cares? Nobody! Nobody cares. It doesn’t matter, anyways. I have no life to care for. My existence in this world has been pointless the whole time, so everything about me should be pointless. At least I'm not crazy!
I shouldn’t even be alive. I should be dead. I need to be dead. I want to be dead! I’m already becoming the best of friends with Death during each and every beating and rape session. He brings me so close to Death, but then as we’re about to shake hands, he pulls me away and forces me to leave Death all alone. Death’s waiting for me so we can meet each other for the first time. I want to go meet Death. We’ve become real close, but we’re so far away. Why can’t Death and I just be together and be friends forever and ever? Is that too much to ask for?
Am I just using Death? Am I using Death to go be with my Mom again? Am I using Death to cheat myself out of life? Am I even a friend for Death? He asks me these questions. Not straightforward, but he asks them with the way he looks at me. I really don’t think I am… Am I?
I just don’t want my life to be such a waste in the end. I just think it’d be easier on myself if I were dead. Suffering for such a long time in life is something nobody should have to go through. And if there wasn't a way to end the suffering, wouldn’t it be okay to commit suicide? I already have no life. Would it be okay to commit suicide if I have nothing to live for?
If I were to somehow have all my health fully restored to the way it was before I was kidnapped and to be taken back home, what would I do? What if a teenager came up to me, friend or not, and told me “Get a life”? What would I do? Friend or not, I’d go and hug whoever said that to me tightly and cry my heart out (and if I needed to use a restroom, I’d probably piss myself) and say, “I know I do, I know I do, I’m trying! I’m trying, but it’s so hard! Please forgive me, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
That’s what I would honestly do. And before I ask myself why I would say and do such a thing, I’ll answer myself with this simple answer: because I still had once been kidnapped, whether that had been a reality or not. No matter what happens, I need to be with Death or get a life before I suffer much longer. I have one question for myself, though: which will I get sooner?