Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm getting this ugly feeling that I wish I didn't need.
I don't want to be one of those girls that get's all prettied up for a stupid occasion or something.... What I mean is
I'm beginning to crave hugs.
Not motherly-Fatherly like ones. Loving, caring ones.
I guess I'm yearning for a relationship. What made me yearn for one even more was this one facebook picture, (hahahahaaa....) it said that when you're single. all you mostly see is couples. When you aren't single, all you see is people. It was extremely relateable.. (<--- Was that even a word? Google's correct doesn't say so, but I think it is. oh well.)
But I always denied wanting one. Everyone keeps going "Rin, you need a boyfriend."
"I can help you find one." And crap. I keep denying it. And I probably will continue to. Why? BECAUSE I ******** CRUSH ON EVERY CUTE ASIAN BOY I SEE AT SCHOOL OR ANYWHERE. I CAN'T HANDLE ANY OF THIS. AHFGJDKS
And then, in my mind, it keeps going on and on.
"How does it start? Don't you usually become friends first? Do you talk first? How do you do it casually? Does it just come to you? How do you start conversations?" And stuff. Because of the romance yaoi novels, none of them have been really about two meeting online.
As much as I prefer an LDR , I also want on that just lives down the road from me, isn't so perverted, and extremely gentle, nice, with a sense of humor, caring, asian, idgaf how tall or short he is, or how he looks, man i just want someone to love, and love me back with no ordeals. That's probably too much to ask, huh?
I'm not so straight forward unless there's a situation where I have to be. I'm terribly shy. I don't start conversations. Unlike with my friends, we always start ones naturally.
...
I just noticed. I'm not even sure how I started all this friendship with the others. I was so bold in the beginning of the year. I talked to all of them. All of my friends hated my guts at first. NO JOKE.
But they all like me now.
Now I stick to them. But that's just school.
Anime's really make you think sometimes. ( i keep bringing it up. anime, manga, yaoi, argh.)
They all have friends to hang with after school. I never do. I barely do. That's sad. I've went to the mall less than 5-10 times in my entire life. Townsquare? Yeah, under 10-15 times. Movies? Most of the time, it's me and my family. I'm a total dork, now that I think about it. I don't have any life whatsoever unless I'm at school, where all of my troubles are sorta forgotten. But when I walk home, it all just sorta comes back...
I'm depressing myself. How did I get this deep into talking to myself?
Oh. I also just noticed how selfish I am. I hate being a girl. I always feel like a whore, (different reasons), i always feel like I need to wear make-up and good clothes to have a good self-esteem, and confidence boost. Compliments. My religion is just out there. I can't stick to it, no matter how much I want to.
I hate shaving, and having to worry about my teeth. I got those bunny rabbit-teeth. It's not cool. could talk about the worst parts of my face and body all day. See how selfish that is?

Where was this really going... Where was I actually?
Oh yeah.

I just want someone to love me, for me.
Sorta long distance, yet sorta not.
I don't know.
Mom's putting me in this asian-las vegas pageant thing next year
i have stage fright now that i think about it
i don't think i'll win.
it goes from there, to prolly mrs. universe
....
hm.