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You know, the original reason I started writing in my journal on Gaia was to express how sad my life was. I got to admit, I used to not like living very much.

My childhood was pretty plain. I was the forth child of a poor family. As a kid, I did want stuff. Living in a poor family, I didn't get anything I wanted. We couldn't really afford anything at that time.

When I was smaller, I'm sure I had a pretty good grasp on our family's situation. Two parents from another country coming to work for small wages, trying to support their new four children. It was probably harsh on my parents. Whoever moves to another country to live has to have it hard. I feel your pain, bro. LOL, kay, no I don't. But I could imagine the problems.

Anyways, at a young age, I declared to not want. I mean, what's the point of wanting something you can't afford? I knew how sad it made my parents when I wanted something they couldn't buy. I made myself not want. I destroyed the ability to want things that money could buy. Even now, I don't like buying things.

Actually, I hate it. I hate going out and buying things I don't need. Toys and such, I would never buy myself one. I really don't like buying clothes. It's a waste of money, really. If I need new things, I'll buy new things. I won't buy what I don't need.

I thought that in doing this, my parents would be happy. Turns out, they weren't. Because I don't really want anything, they can't get me anything. Now, my family is pretty stable financially. I could afford anything I want. Problem is, I don't want anything, and my parents hate that.

I don't mind accepting gifts, because a gift means someone spared me a thought. Even if someone gives me something I don't need or want, I'm happy because it means I mattered. 4laugh However, if someone orders me to buy something, I can't do it.

This summer, my family went to California. I was looking forward to spending some time with my family away from our home. It was nice at first, but then we started buying things. sweatdrop

As a girl, I'm pretty weak emotionally. I've built walls around myself, but during summer, I'm a fragile as thin ice. emo cry crying

Anyways, at the moment, things in the States cost less than here in Canada. As I should have expected, we went shopping while we were down there. I didn't buy much. I didn't want much. And I got yelled at, time and again, because I wasn't taking advantage.

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I can't be the child you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I have nothing I especially want to buy. I'm sorry that I can't be decisive when having to buy things. It's because I don't want to spend money, especially the money you earned through hard work.

When I get a job and earn my own money, maybe then I'll start buying things. Right now, please no. Buying things is just.. bothersome.

Boy, I'm getting distracted. rolleyes

I went to California to celebrate my cousin's wedding. So..

..To Alex and Nida, congrats on your marriage. heart heart heart

Anyways, yeah, my childhood wasn't all that great. I got yelled at a lot, and I couldn't handle it. You know, now, I don't even know why everyone was yelling at me. gonk

One time, I actually did try to run away. I thought hard about it. I realized though, standing at the door, with no one noticing what I was going to do, I like my life.

It's not the best life. I did go through a lot of hardships mentally. I didn't know what I did wrong, but I apologize for it anyways.

When I first got Gaia, I was at that moment in life where I still dragged myself through each day. sweatdrop This journal was started during that time, but it wasn't written in continuously, so that's why it stopped.

My life... is the same. Same old, same old. xp But, you know, even though it's the same life, I changed.

I can't smile outwardly. While growing up, I didn't smile often. I'm sure it's because of that that I can't smile now. neutral I probably lost the control of a few muscles, but when I'm happy, I'm happy.

I can't smile anymore, but I'm not frowning. blaugh

The thing I like about the internet is that no one can tell if you're smiling or not. So imagine me smiling, but I write what's in my head, and in my head right now, I'm smiling. biggrin

I had an easy childhood compared to some. I feel spoiled every time my mind isn't happy. emo

I am so fortunate, honestly.

I have a furnished house. I have a family. I have the greatest friends of all time. And this freaking awesome journal that doesn't insult me even though I'm not the best person.

I had a lot of bad things happen in life, but I don't want to spread negativity. From this moment on, I won't talk about how sad I was crying , but how happy I am. mrgreen