Xavier *she shakes her head* maybe I should just stop speaking my mind openly... but I dont really want to.. but when people act like yourself when I speak words like that... I wonder if its really worth it... it was right... people just think Im a twisted lil girl... its not that I just agree with his words... when you pull and push at my words, at my thoughts, I dont want to say anything stupid.. anything to hurt anyone, expesially Orion, I loved him, but he's gone.. he's gone!!!! the more you pull, the more you get, things you dont want to hear, things I dont want to say, and if I wanted to say them without a reason, then I would be mean, cruel, but Im not that kind of person, and I loved him, thats why I dont wish to say these, why cant this just stay like it is... now you are making me wonder to much about things like what if.. what if something else had happend, what if something hadnt happened... what if... what if.. what if nothing had happened.. nothing to make this conversation existent.. stop it.. just stop it...
*she curls up on the ground, not looking at Xavier*
stop making me think like that... when I used to be happy? you have asked... when I used to.. what I used to was not give a damn about what others thought, what I used to was to be happy, before all this began, all there is now is confusion behind a twisted smile... a smile with sharp teeth and fangs. manythings used to be... but what used to be is the past.. not will be.. but used to be.. do I have to hear this over and over... desitions should be made.. I should make them.. something to stop this.. stop myself.. I cant take this.. not really... its to confusing.. just when I thought it would end...
*sits upright, turning her head to Xavier*
You dont understand me.. not at all.. every word you say confirms that... or you are just not making me belive, I hardly know you, but still I can be sure of a few things, a few things I wont tell you, I dont want you to say any more things that arent true, the more I say to you about these matters... .. I just .. I dont want to think much more about this... about him... I said I would never forget.. I wont.. but the more you do.. I dont now how to say it.. but it is... I would rather forget to make it go away, start over on new grounds, it seems to be the easiest way, but ist not was easy as it seems...
where did you come from? suddenly free? when Orion died? and then you run around asking who the hell he was... I got all these things in my head.. things better left unsaid, because they are twisted words.. mean and cruel, I can be mean, I can be cruel, but dont make me.. I dont like to be like that, its not a evil side of me or anything like that.. it is me.. but its not my favorit desition to be like that...
do you think I have two faces? or just a silly lil thing following every word someone else says.. I dont.. I dont follow, I sometimes dont say things exept there is someone that understands around, or I might just let my words flow, like a puzzle, puzzle only to be found out by someone that understands, its disapointing when someone comes up to you acting though he undetstands it all, that he knows what goes through my mind, what I belive, and then slips horribly, making me see the truth, that he doesnt undertstand a single word of the things I said, only some things he has pulled together through time, hoping they were the same as mine.. it was terribly disapointing that it hurt, wiped away a smile, even if the smile was on the outside.. it died on the inside, becoming a fake smile on the outside...
I dont want to be mean, or anything like that.. not intentionaly, never have. But when it is the onlything I see as a solution, I use it, its never a lie, its not a face face, its even more true than the smile you see so often.. that is one thing I can say... are you trying to make me say these things? You seem to be begging for them.... you want them? A smile that ones was true is now a mask, hiding something underneith it.. sometimes I belive I have two faces, I probibly have... one behind the other...
one evil and one good? not really... not the way I see it...
I just want it to be simple.. why cant things be simple... even if they should have passed...
why do you come over and over again, telling me that I used to be happy, that I dont know what Im saying, that I cant say this and that, that I shouldnt say things like I do, and you didnt even know him..., suddely, with his death you appear, out of nowere, saying you are now finally free, and that darkness will have the upper hand, that you are the fallen god of merzy (whitch I wont comment on... just commenting on my thoughts is enough to telll me not to go that far) and then you run around asking who the hell he was, and then you think you can tell me what I belive and how he was and all those things...
*she curls her fingers into a fist, her talons digging into her scales, a small twitch pulling at the corner at her mouth, a slight growl could be heard deep within her chest*
can you see what I see, how wrong it seems, confusing and annoying... how can you say things you say and do what you do, like you knew them all along, when you were making int obvious to everyone that you didnt know a single thing about these matters...
I thought of you as a nice dragon to be around, but you fall farther away from my belives about you with every word you say, and then asking how my trust can be earned, right before you yell at me that I cant be right, how I can dare to say the things I say... why do you push me so.. why... I have been hoping you would end this... stop your questions and confirmatinons.. but lil things matter... a lil thing enough to make me speak my mind so, even when I say I wouldnt.. I cant help it... I speak when I wish to, even if those words arent conforting... to anyone...
I just hope as hell you understood what I said, not just lil words in between, because if you didnt, dont you act wice and allknowing... just talk to me like a person, not someone that sees it all and knows it all.. because what I have seen and heard and know.. you arent.. atleast you cant see past my midnightblue scaly hide scream sweatdrop
you dont regret what you said? wouldnt be surprised.. but I can tell you I ment every single word I said... Im not trying to create a enemy, create hate.. I just want understanding.. whitch seems to be hard to find around here... stare
View User's Journal
erotic, not exotic... fruits are exotic
|
 |
|||||||||||||||||
User Comments: [6] [add]
|
Dark stardragon Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
Dark BlackDragon_Xavier
Community Member 
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
Dark stardragon Community Member
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
Dark BlackDragon_Xavier
Community Member
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
Trygon Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
User Comments: [6] [add]
Community Member