I don't exactly know why I felt so cruddy after seeing Amanda and Sarah in that promo video. Maybe it's because I feel that I'm being left behind. Or that they're doing so much, while I am stuck at a standstill. It's been so many years. I have troubles moving on from stuff. I live in the past. Maybe it's because I don't have much true friends in the present to cling onto. Why do friends have to come and go? All right, this little speech just reminds me of Pink's song "Who Knew." Why do people have to change? Why do people change so much? It's a sad, sad day when someone you like is not themselves anymore. It's so frustrating...
You know that familiar scene in Hollywood, where a protagonist stands there while everything else is fast-forwarding? Yea, that's how I feel right now.
Everyone is out there living their lives while I am still stuck at this same sleepy, old, blasted town, with zero opportunities. Chloe is traveling, Alice works at the kitchen, and my friends are all starting to succeed exponentially. I wonder how I even got into this school, with so many geniuses beside me. I wonder if my life is ever gonna change. Study harder, get mediocre results, stay in the same town, roleplay... all the way until I'm forty years old, and I'll still be doing that. Go to work, stress out, try to meet the boss' expectations, work long hours, pay rent, try to scrape along. But among those negative thoughts of mine, I have a mix of idealistic thoughts illuminated in golden light. It's like dreaming while awake. What if this happened? Wouldn't that be nice? I know they're impossible, but I'm a dreamer, right? I imagine myself on the expensive streets of a large, large city like Taipei or, say, New York. Let's say New York. The sun is shining so brightly that I have to wear sunglasses. I have a stable job and I'm a regular at some restaurant, befriending the workers there. I go to Central Park, I buy newspapers, I meet tons of new faces everyday. I adore my job. I'm in love with my coworkers. I go to a cafe and people-watch. I'd like to visit New York someday. But I'll probably never set a foot in New York. New York is so expensive and high class. I'm crazy.
Out of all the people I know, I haven't changed much. Matured a bit, maybe, but not much else. I'm still the same. My writing is still the same. My life is still the same. I'm still living in the past, and part of me is refusing to let that go, hanging on for dear sweet life. I could practically be in a short story. I could be a fictional character. And people could pick out ten thousand things from my life to symbolize how I haven't moved on.
I wish it was back then. Maybe I wouldn't have taken everyone for granted. And granted, I'm still doing that now.
I guess all people are alone some time in their life. You can't live a perfect life, always being surrounded by supportive people who love you. I'm not even getting close to the students in my church group. There's no point to this club anymore. It's just like a social gathering or something, and the people are so cliquey. I'm thinking on switching to another group, but this is the largest and most active one.
I'm surprised that I actually managed to write these personal thoughts and have them reflect myself so accurately. Hear that sound? It's the sound of my forehead, hitting my desk.
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Serene: To the General Public At Last
A few pieces of Ser's thoughts and life, which are carefully broken down from her life mosaic and preserved into this online journal. Read with care.
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