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Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...Been a really long time since I've been here. About a month ago was my last one. I just felt like writing one. Since I've been thinking about a lot of things. A lot of good things, bad things, things that I shouldn't be thinking. Things that get's me a bit depressed or lonely or whatever the emotion is that I'm feeling right now. I'm pretty sure it's more on the lonely side.


My excuse for not writing for the last month, I got a job at the bank, I usually work from 8 to 5 or 6 or 7, it depends. I work at a bank, I dress all nice and professional looking everyday, I style my hair, I talk and communicate with different people of different races on the daily. Each one wanting different things, each person varies and each one is different. I'm a teller. I'm not scared to talk to people, confront, or ask anything. I got to prepare myself for the long day ahead of me everytime I go to work or when I wake up knowing that I am going to be doing a lot of communication customer-service work.


Basically, I work mostly all week except for sunday's but my schedule varies from month to month. I got today off, so I decided to write a journal today. It usually takes me about a good 2 hours to write everything down starting from my day. That is only from one day, I have a month to catch up on..


For the past month, I gone done training at the training facility center in Racine, and officially started on the job like..Sometime last July 5th. Ever since then I've been working like how I stated in my paragraph. My life has gotten way busier compared to last year. I got a job now, I got things I want to buy, I got things I have to prepare for, I got to study for another round of ACT testing, I have to plan everything out from front to back. Busy as of late, not to mention the parties and the eating celebrations, the wedding's the drama, everything that's going on.


But it's a good thing that I'm busy..Instead of staying on here not really doing anything with life..I miss staying home all day, I miss just hanging out looking at the clouds, I miss just going to the beach for fun and chilling with some friends, I miss acting like a fool with the guys, hollering at random chicks walking down the street trying to "pick them up".


I'm so old...Wow.


I'm gonna get touchy with feeling's now. I'm feeling things that I shouldn't be feeling, good and bad, for better for worst. I haven't talked to Bella in so long. How long as it been now? A month? A month feels really long..Longer than it already is. Feels like a couple of months to me. It just isn't working for me...I want to tell you, but I believe it's not possible. I'll rather tell you than sending it to you via PM or some other crap.


I miss you, I still miss you, but this relationship isn't healthy for me. It's better off if we stay friends. I dread relationships like this..Right when I want us to be an official item, I never get to talk to you again. I got left hanging by the door, regretting what if's. I've broken hearts I didn't want to break, I shut the door's on people who was feeling me, ever since we got official, things just changed. Our relationship changed. And it's not the good change either. Change is always good, just not this type of change. If your reading this, because I know you read every thing I send out to you, you read all of my status's you read all of my threads, possibly all of my posts, I hope you don't take this extremely hard. I hope you see where I'm coming from but this just isn't healthy for me, or for both of us. I'm sorry if you don't understand where I'm coming from, but this is torture for me. The communication just isn't working, I told you before we got together that I am a bad boyfriend, I ask for too many things. I'm sorry. We're going to still be friends..It's just, this relationship isn't going to work out anymore. At least we got to spend a bit of time together right? Take something good from this, just not all the bad.. 7/4/2011 - 7/25/2011 </3


Forever alone....



Hopefully your not reading this Mai, but I know you probably will. As you know, I've liked you a lot. Probably not even liked but loved you. And you know that, as, I don't hide anything. I regret us not having a relationship that both you and me desired. As you know, your Amazingly beautiful. I knew that if I didn't pick you up, somebody would've accomplished that job for me. I'm sure we already know the results of what happened after I got together with Bella. I regret not having you for myself, I regret being so impatient, I regret it all. What I find kind of funny, is that scientific people said that "Indians will surpass Asians" and I believe it has happened. Ray William Johnson from Youtube surpassed Nigahiga in having the most subscribers. Your boyfriend surpassed me in getting you first. I'm not surprised that you said yes to him though. I was already going out with somebody at the time, what were you supposed to do? Wait for me? Wait for us to break up? Have your whole world stop because of some guy? I can understand where your coming from. Oddly enough, after I decided to go out with Bella, you started getting on more, I tended to see you everyday online, we started talking again. I guess I really was too impatient. I should've waited, and now I regret my decisions. I should be happy for you and for the relationship that your in right now. Trust me, I'm very happy for you, the guy must obviously be doing something right if he caught you. I can't help but feel a little jealous of your relationship. I admit, it hurts a bit. I'm thinking of "What If's" now. Feel free to tell him that I'm jealous of him. Or just tell him that I was too selfish and stupid to not wait for someone like you. I'm over here laughing at how stupid I was, at how dumb I am. Sighing and thinking about stupid Za. I don't know if you think of me as much as I think of you. It may not seem like it, but I actually think about you a lot. I swear it will be unique if I ever see you in person. At the Asian Store or at some tournament in sheboygan or green bay or some other city in Wisconsin. What's sad, is that, I know we will never be more than friends. We were never supposed to happen. And we won't ever happen. We had potential, it could've been something extraordinary..But I made stupid choices. Ever heard of the phrase "Don't leave the person who loves you for the one that you like, because the one that you like will leave you for the one that they love." In the future, we can try and see what happens, but I'm just too stupid. I'm really happy for you, I really am. I get a bit jealous seeing how much you two love each other and I think to myself, "That could've been me with you.."


Tell him to never let go, because I sure as hell wouldn't.


But I guess I should be feeling better right now. Knowing that I'm not that special of a person. You probably showed him everything you showed to me. You probably call him a bit as well. Or I'm just over here thinking too much..Thinking too much can be bad ya know? But who cares. I'm over here typing what I feel. Goodluck to you and Navi or whatever his name is. xD Sorry, I should know but I don't really know. And if your reading this, don't leave him for me. I'm not a home wrecker, and I don't intend to be one, I hate home wrecker's myself. I told you that I'm a good guy over the phone, and I feel as if I am. And that song that you dedicated to me, actually was a pretty good song of how I felt about you. I don't really listen to Hmong music but I really liked the video you sent me. And kuv xav tau koj thiab thiab...


It's a great song that if I knew it before you did, I would've dedicated everything in it to you and I would've meant every line that he said.



That's all for now..I'm sorry if I didn't hold back..I don't intend to hold back. I'm not trying to convince myself. I'm letting this journal know what I feel. Some of it hurts, and will probably hurt for a long time until the scars heal up a bit before I stop feeling this way. We'll see what happens..


Thanks for reading..And if you want to make fun of me for being smushy with my feeling's, go ahead. I have nothing to hide. If you think this was funny, good for you. Still not going to change how I feel. I have nothing to hide...Again, thanks for reading..


Oh yeah, Mai, that "lucky" girl was you..Don't think anything of it. (;


p.s. Sorry for any grammatical error's, I don't feel like proofreading and I am sorry if some of it didn't make sense whatsoever, but you know what I mean.