tonight was different.
and i'm kinda upset by it, actually...
today started out early. didn't have to bring kids to kerk, but had to get up and do ditches and a 4-H meeting done and over with by 11:30. then k&i went to town, picked up alex, worked at church for 3 hours setting up VBS stuff (doesn't look as good as i thought... :/), stayed at austin's grad party the entire time (which wasn't actually that long), then the youth group went off to do what sara called "lawn games" at a park.
at first i was a little hesitant with the idea because it was really organized, and we're all teens.... "hanging out" is what we do, not structured playtime.
so anyways. after a failed round of kickball (three boys versus like 7 girls... boys won lol), we gathered to see what we would play next.
a screwed up version of capture-the-flag.
i was okay-ish with it, until the firing lineup.
you know, when everyone lines up and the team captains have to pick their team.
the instant we lined up, i was thinking "oh s**t, oh s**t, oh s**t..."
why? because guess who was always freaking last for every freaking thing in freaking elementary.
no matter what.
of course.
both caleb and heather were picked before me, leaving me last, as always.
i just lost it.
i was trying so hard to pay attention, but i got a sick feeling deep in my stomach and the tears just started falling. it wouldn't stop.
many, many thoughts were running through my head.
and still are.
introspection.
anyways.
fast forward a few minutes. karen discovers that i'm crying behind my sunglasses (which i had kept on for a reason) when i try to talk to her and it comes out as a barely audible whisper, then eventually tells everyone that i've been crying and that they haven't been paying any attention.
what the hell am i supposed to do then? say "I'm crying because i was picked last" when i'm supposed to be grown up and freaking GRADUATED?!
nope. told them it was nothing, and to carry on.
remember saying something to karen along the lines of "I thought this was gonna be super fun.........."
and she's said "I know, i'm not having fun either."
and then ramee overheard us and wanted to know, so I said something along the lines of "There's a reason that I never signed up for any voluntary gym classes."
then everyone came over, awkward silence then talking about gym classes.
ramee wanted to sit out. i sat out, too.
she eventually said the words that I so bitterly despise: "Wanna talk about it?"
no s**t.
but you see, i can't explain this to anyone.
it goes deeper than just being picked last.
so much deeper...
CB, do you know what it's like to try to always be nice to people, yet you know that even if you call yourselves friends, you really don't know each other that well?
that no matter how hard you try, there's always something wrong with your personality that no one understands?
no one likes?
to always be last, and pretend to be okay with it?
to come to the realization that your ideas about social complexities were right all along?
i'm a loner.
no one understands.
i don't know how it started, but it never ends.
i graduated, CB.
things are supposed to be different.
people are supposed to be courteous, kind,
changed.
so much for that idea, b***h.
that moment sent me back.
talking to me is a pain.
i can sense that.
CB, I'm so scared.
what if all the progress i've made this past year was destroyed in that single action?
because i still feel that sick feeling in my stomach.
that quiet that settles over my person, so i don't want to talk to anybody, and it comes out awkward when i do talk.
i was so happy.
nothing's changed, though.
that's the problem.
i thought we were old enough to realize that there were certain things that should be avoided to achieve equality.
at least the illusion of one.
because, please, i know.
okay?
i. freaking. know.
it upsets me that i know these things. how people feel about my presence, about my actions. what they think.
but they don't even take the time.
i am jenna. a quiet, smart, socially awkward b***h that doesn't know how to respond to sarcastic comments and jokes, and is therefore to be treated with caution; never teased, never anything.
they leave me alone, just like i say.
CB, i think that's my problem.
i have achieved my goal of fourth - sixth grade.
"Leave me the hell alone."
When i graduated, our teacher from like 4th grade sent us letters that we wrote to ourselves back then.
i refused to let mom read it.
it dredged up another me that i was hoping had died.
it talked about how i knew I was overweight.
how life sucked then just as much as it does now.
and the therapy.
turns out i had two daily sessions.
i don't remember that.
i thought things had changed.
i seriously, honestly thought things had changed.
guess i was wrong.
guess that's really what the tears were for.
but i'm still afraid.
what if this only continues in college?
what if, for the four years of my life that i will be doing a lot of growing up and mature networking, it's all just some meaningless charade of just being nice??
no one knows.
no one understands.
no one cares.
perhaps the saying "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" is really true.
i guess we'll see what happens. because i sure can't learn to love these arrogant bastards parading as friends who have no consideration of or desire to consider me.
"and be loved in return"
i know i'm blowing this way outta proportion.
but it hit a really sensitive nerve.
it is most definitely a defining thing of my personality.
CB, i'm alone. 18 years on this planet,
and I have no one.
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just watch me.
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