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This explanation might be a little all-over-the-place. Please bear with me.
So here is the thing, recently I've been having to fake a smile around some people. I don't feel sad or anything, which is weird. Just kind of... empty? I think that's a better word to describe this. Yes. I feel empty. Something is missing from my life but I don't know what it is! I mean, I have relatively good grades and stuff, so I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Not many of my friends know about this because I don't want to worry them. And besides, I'm the one who cheers them up and if I'm not happy, how could they be? I was talking to one of my friends and he says that it's okay if I need a break, and that I don't have to be the "superhero" all the time. But still I feel strange when I don't smile and laugh in front of them. And even if I do feel kinda crappy, whenever I see them I smile. It's like I subconsciously do it!
(My friend (from OR) told me that it seems like I want to have a relationship with someone. There's a INSANELY SMALL part of me that wants to, and I want to focus on academics right now. He said it's possible to do both and be happy. But I'm a skeptic. Besides, there's no one cool and likable around me. They're all jerks.)
Last week, my iPod went through the wash and broke. I'm trying to fix it but I have no idea when I'm going to be able to go to the Apple store because my mom is always so busy with work. Not having my iPod means that at school it's like I'm "running on empty". I'm at the end of my rope, man. It's so strange to go through art class without my iPod. I think I rely on it to keep me upbeat (even if I do listen to Japanese rock/metal).
For my birthday, my "friend" told me that he got me a The GazettE poster (the most godlike band EVER) and so I got insanely hyped up. It was the one thing I was looking forward to the most. ON my birthday, however, he told me he started listening to Gaze-Rock, and decided that he liked them. He put the poster on the wall in his room. Frustrated and angry, I broke down crying (typical me) and he felt pretty bad. He said that he would give it to me. After a moment, I realized that it's best not to get my hopes up since he is so damn unreliable. (Excuse my language). I told myself to just not hang out with him anymore, since there were related incidents where this has happened too. But I feel kind of bad since the guy has like.. no friends besides our little group. He's really violent and moody, and one time he was angry about his girlfriend and took his anger out on me (he wrapped his hand around my neck for a moment and told me to eff off. It was rather traumatic). I don't know why I allow these things to happen.
My friend says that I am too nice for my own good, and that is restricting my happiness. There is some truth to this but I don't think that I'm that unhappy. He says that I care too much about others that I put them in front of my well being. The only time I realize this is when I'm by myself. In front of my friends it's like automatic smiles and laughter, no matter how bad I feel inside.
Sorry, I know this is kind of long. I didn't think it would turn out this long. I don't know what I want you to say, I just wanted to tell someone.
 dynamo version · Sun Apr 10, 2011 @ 10:38pm · 1 Comments |
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