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I spent another morning on the floor crying in pain, all alone. I couldn't move to even crawl to knock the phone to the floor to call 911. Its one of the worst hip pains I've ever had. It started in bed. I woke up suddenly and I knew. I tried to sit up and I felt the familiar fire pain. So I lay there, breathing hard, trying to think about my next move (literally). I decided the best thing to do would be to try to flip over on my back because bending that way hurts less. So I tried over and over to do that, using my headboard as leverage. I finally got in the position to get on my knees like usual, which is me with my top half sprawled across my bed and my bottom half in a crouching position on the floor, when all of a sudden my hip started to build in pain. I was using a muscle not previously affected by this before! I screamed a series of profanities in a crying voice and fell over backwards onto my back onto the floor because that's the only thing I could do to stop the pain immediately.

As I lay there, I started to think of everyone I know. I started to cry because I don't want them to see me like that, unable to move like an 80 year old woman who broke her hip on the floor. I was ashamed, sad, helpless,and I felt alone. As I lay there, I began to think about friends who would and would not help me in this situation were they here. How they would help. What I could be doing right then if there were someone to help me.

After a while, I began to try to get up. I tried countless times. The pain was unimaginable. It felt like, with each movement, someone was trying their damndest to rip apart my muscle like one rips the flesh off of a chicken bone. I have no idea how long I laid there or how long it took me to get up. I just know with one final effort, miraculously I found a part of muscle that did not hurt and I was able to get myself into a standing position using my bed with the thought process of a disaster victim urging others to go-go-go out of a disaster zone in their only chance to get out. I stood there, leaning against my wonderfully 5'0" tall headboard, eyes pinched in the soreness of my hip, still thinking of my friends.

I don't really know what to do. This hip pain was supposed to go away with physical therapy, but instead its acting like the way a horrible person does, saying, "haha! You thought you could get rid of me, but I just came back to torture you with new devices!" taunting me, threatening to attack at any time. I just don't know what to do. Medication doesn't help it. Tiger balm doesn't help. Heatpacks and coldpacks are worthless to it. The soreness from it lasts literally all day. It makes me scared to go to sleep.

I want it to go away. Of course I do. It is pain like this that makes me lose the will to live. But right now, I feel too tired to think of such things in depth, so I am safe.